(Closed) His House or Mine?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Yuck.  I can see why you are unhappy with that.  Even if the house wasn’t filthy, to feel like you will always be there.. no chance to upgrade ever?…If you salaries go through the roof?  I like that you a re thinking of renting.  Is it possible that he will hold on to his home and rent it on a more long term basis?  I agree it doesn’t sound like a good time to sell.  But maybe even longer term, he can hold on to it but rent.  It seems as though he has some attachment issues, but does not seem to want to care for it.

I know what it’s like to not want to let go of your childhood home.  Most of us have to face it eventually.  I hope he will at least be willing to move to your home.  That will help loosen his grip on his home, not being there everyday. 

Also, there are some other issues you have to be willing to discuss.  You don’t seem to be too keen on the dog, yet it will be there after you get married.  Your Fiance has some issues in cleaning.  I have a friend like him, it’s bad.  You will probably have a hard time keeping up with the mess.  Once the honeymoon phase wears out, these things will frustrate you. 

Marriage is often about working on yourself to try to help out your spouse.  It is about making compromises and coming up with solutions to make both people satisfied.  This is a great opportunity to see how well you both are able to do this.  Good luck.

Post # 5
596 posts
Busy bee

If you believe his attachment to his house is symptomatic of a larger problem, I think it’s really important to discuss this before you guys move in together or get married.  Have you guys considered any kind of couples counseling?

Post # 6
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Have you seen that show, Clean House?  Your description of your Fiance reminds me of the reaction of some of the homeowners featured on that show!

I don’t know if he is a hoarder, but if he is… it might be helpful to get some books from the library on how to live with a hoarder.  I’m sure there are tips and techniques you can use to find a way to live together in peace and harmony.  Good luck!!

Post # 7
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Yikes!  So sorry you’re dealing with all this drama.

  1. In my experience, an ‘inside dog’ NEVER turns into an ‘outside dog’
  2. Pack rats and messy men don’t suddenly morph into super cleanly guys
  3. A man in love is a man willing to jump though hoops.

I dont think I could live in his house either.  Even if he fixed it up, I would still have nightmares about the junk and dog hair.  I would need him to completely gut the place to feel ‘clean’.  Is there anyway you can pause all conversations about moving until he actually cleans his house up…’id be willing to move into your house but I would need to see if after your parents belongings have been removed and the rooms have been professionally cleaned’.  If you are willing to compromise on moving into this house, filled with all of ‘his’ memories, he should be willing to do whatever you deam necessary to leave in it…


Post # 8
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree with FutureMrsMorgan’s 3 points. And I’d like to chime in because even though my situation is different, I can definitely empathize with you and I wanted to tell you you DO have valid concerns here and while we’ve only heard one side of the story, I’m 95% sure I’d still be on your side if I heard his.

As for relating to you, I’ve had similar struggles with my fiance, as he bought his grandmother’s house about 3 years ago, which is in his hometown and less than 1/4 mile from his parents house. I’ve always struggled with how I will move in one day and ever make it feel like "mine" because not only does it feel like "his," – for a long, long time it still felt like his grandma’s. Basically, when she died, people came in (other relatives, not just people, ha) and took what they wanted, the "good stuff", and left all the bad stuff for my fiance. Because he’s a guy and would rather use 1970’s appliances and furniture and focus on instead buying great electronics (you should see the tv, the one room that looks modern and he actually re-did!) it has all stayed. It has been QUITE the struggle over the past few years to get him to purge his stuff and buy new stuff. He doesn’t see the point when the oven works and no one sees the ugly brown tiles in the 1/2 bath anyway. Let me tell you, I can not WAIT for the day when we have all our new stuff from the showers, and he is at work, and I can finally throw out all the junk!!!!! I’m going to drink wine and throw a purging party, I swear to god.

So, even though my fi has been quite the "guy" about this, I have to admit, he has come a long way. BUT- it took a LOT of work. There was a lot of give and take and it took a lot for me to be able to explain how I felt like it wasn’t ever going to be mine at all. We finally built an addition that is a master suite and we got to decide how we wanted everything, he built a walk-in closet for me, etc. Also, lucky for me he agrees that we should only stay there for another 4 or 5 years or so, and then move somewhere to our "dream house." He also is quite determined to make the house feel like "ours" and not "his." That’s always felt nice to me, though after hearing your story, I’m really curious what his take on things would be if I also owned my own home and didn’t just rent. How do you decide? Especially in this economy, where it doesn’t make sense to sell right now. ALthough if you think about it, even if you guys lose money on both your houses, you’ll still come together with double the amount of money to put into one house. Have you talked about that? IF it’s that important to you, even though it sucks you’d both lose money in this market, maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing?

Have you talked about remodeling a few of the rooms completely so that it feels more modern and like "yours?" I know that has helped me a ton. Though I know, it sounds great, but it also sucks when you don’t even want to be there period because you HAVE a home you love and is modern and doesn’t need work!! AHH! What a rock and a hard place you’re stuck between!

 Definitely get a therapist and do some couples counseling. I don’t like how he isn’t willing to bend at all, and might even choose his (gross sounding) house over YOU! That’s nuts! And your house sounds charming, what is so wrong about living there? You guys definitely need to talk about these things as they can be HUGE indicators of what lies ahead for you. Figure it out now, before it’s too late. Good luck!! ((hugs))

PS- Also, it makes sense to me why you don’t want to sleep at his house, but why doesn’t he ever want to sleep at your house? Isn’t that alarming to you, considering that would be the first step before actually moving into either one of your houses??

Post # 10
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Messy. This does not look like a fun situation. I think the only thing either of you could do is sell both your houses and move into a new, fresh one together. Yeah, the market sucks right now, but with the equity from two homes going into one, you’ll benefit in the long run.

Other than that, I really don’t have much good advice for you! 

Post # 11
82 posts
Worker bee

I think there’s a strong likelihood that your fiance has a mental illness that really should be addressed before you two make any decisions about your future living arrangements.  I’m sure there are many wonderful things about him that you love, but the willingness to live in squalor (which is how you describe his house) is a serious indicator that he may need to see a psychologist to help him address what’s going on.  I would also challenge you two to have some serious discussions about other aspects of your future life together – I would be very alarmed if my future husband said that five years was too far away to make a commitment.


I wish you the best of luck!  Please, for your sake, don’t compromise your own mental health to try and live in this admittedly depressing house.  You deserve a clean and comfortable home!

Post # 12
1508 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I so feel for you. We have house problems too, specifically condo problems.  I own a Condo that has appreciated in value a lot from when I bougt it but it’s still down 50,000. My Condo is slightly slower than FI’s but is a lot furhter from his work. Even though his is located in a different direction from my office, my commute time would be about the same as it is now.

Fiance is under-water in his condo and owns it with his brther who as never lived there. I feel like his Condo will never feel like my own home. I feel like I can’t do anything to it without the brother’s permssion and any money I spend on it would go into a black hole if it remains under-water, or if the market comes back anything we did that increased the profits would need to be splint with his brother.

His condo association is also poorly managed, they’ve had multiple special assesements. I don’t like the layout, i.e. one must go through the kitchen to get to the Laundry Closet, the carpet’s a wreck and the kitcken looks awful. No pool or rec facilites with his, which my condo has.

My place if I can’t sell it,could be rented out at a profit. His the rent wouldn’t even make the mortgage payment. 

I reallly want a house before a baby and he says we should be able to make do with a baby at his curent place. I’ll be 36 when we marry, I just don’t want to feel on hold and I don’t want a baby unless we are in a house. Major sticking point. I probably sound like a selfish brat.

Post # 13
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

None of us sound like selfish brats, we are women who deserve to live in a place that feels like home! And that we love! SCCRNE1, I don’t know about a mental illness, but it definitely sounds like your fiance needs to see what it’s like in your shoes. Does he have any empathy for you whatsoever? It doesn’t really sound like it, and that makes me sad for you. Please please PLEASE before you get married, go to a therapist for some premarital counseling to sort some of this out. As much as you love him, this is serious stuff! That needs addressing! I think you know it, too, and might be scared to trust that little voice in your head. If you’re starting to question your relationship there are also websites for that, visit http://www.consciousweddings.com or http://www.theregoesthebride.com, and I’m sure there are dozens of others as well. 

Post # 14
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Oh sweetie-that sounds tough. I can’t imagine. I have not had this problem bc my fiance and I are both encores-I own my house (well, the bank owns and I make payments, but you know what I mean) and he does not. I live here in my house with my kids (he considers them his, so hence, ours-ANYWAY) he is moving in here. I can offer some perspective on the other side of the issue-hear me out because I don’t want to make you or anyone else angry-

The idea of my Fiance moving in here, at first sounded divine, and then sounded terrifying. Let me explain-my house was built in the 1970’s, but has since been COMPLETELY remodeled-from the HVAC to the windows to the roof, to the hardwood floors being refinished, to installing tile in the bathrooms, to fresh paint-COMPLETELY. However, I am a single mom and have lived here alone with my twins since they were 15 months old. When my Fiance first started talking about changing things, I panicked-BIG TIME! It made no sense-he was talking about installing new shelves in the laundry room, repainting the garage so it looks fresh and clean, figuring out some type of bench that he could build to go in the mud room so there is a place for the twins to sit while they take shoes, soccer cleats, dirty clothes, etc. off & stash backpacks-all of these things are good right? I just felt a bit, I don’t know if this explains it, but kind of like I’ve been making due with things the way they are and why do you feel like you have to come in here and change things? I know it’s silly, and it sounds ridiculous-it reads even more ridiculous when I reread it-but I almost felt territorial. Forget the fact that I am tripping over those same soccer cleats and we’re on a backpack hunt frequently-it was MINE. We talked it through and that made it all better. I was able to share my feelings with him and that was all it took-I know he wasn’t trying to take over, I know that those are good suggestions and the idea of not breaking my neck tripping over random foot apparel of my children sounds lovely-

That being said. I agree with the other girls that I think there is some sort of underlying problem here. Your FIs unwillingness to see reason or even CONSIDER that there may be some (not even alot, he can just consider a NUGGET) truth to what you are saying-that things are dirty, that things are in disrepair, etc. I can also tell you that the idea of those living conditions frighten me tremendously. That your own health is at risk is one thing-but the idea of having children in that house makes me scared for THEM and for YOU. I have little ones and literally, EVERYTHING is touched by their hands, goes in their mouths, etc. That your peace of mind seems to be insignificant to him alarms me. Like one of the other bees said-guys in love jump through hoops and making arrangements to combine your lives should be an act of joy, not of constant arguing and bickering. I also feel that the money is an excuse-like other things seems to be-If no one sees it, why do I need to fix it? If I’m not in those rooms, why should the electricity work? The misappropriation of funds concerns me also-plenty of $ for gadgets, but not willing to spend $ elsewhere. It seems to me that he should be proving to you how ready he is for YOU and HIM to be a WE and an US. I understand completely about living with the ugly brown tile until you can afford to do something about it (girl-I had YELLOW linoleum in my kitchen, couldn’t WAIT to rip that mess out!!!!!) and some things-such as getting electric up to code have to come first. You can save for the remodeling that you really want to do, but that is unwilling to even come off the starting block makes me sad for you.

I know this is ridiculously long and I hope doesn’t sound too harsh. As someone who has been married before, I can tell you that things do not get easier for issues like this. Like someone else said-the honeymoon phase will be over sooner or later and things like this-annoyances-can become major issues in your marriage. Issues that are tiny grains of sand turn into boulders. But it sounds to me like it is already way more than an annoyance. Your home should be a reflection of the two of you-a place that you can look forward to returning at the end of the day-your santuary, not something that you dread.

Post # 15
1428 posts
Bumble bee

When I met my guy I owned my own house, which I LOVED. It was perfect to me. However it would’ve made his commute a nightmare. He bought his own house a few months after we met, but I consciously refrained from giving any opinion on it as it was his first house & we were still a fairly new couple. His house is super cute but has not been updated for many years by the previous owners…no cental a/c..whattttt??? says me who is used to central a/c. Anyways, I digress.
When he asked me to move in, I told him that he would have to paint the interior first (every room was wallpapered in hideous 60’s colors). He took a few days off work & worked his behind off stripping the wallpaper & re-painting every room in colors we picked out together. He wanted ME to feel comfortable in "our" home.
The fact that your Fiance is not willing to make any concessions whatsoever is worrisome at the least.
I do think that perhaps seeking some counseling together would help your Fiance realize more how important it is that YOU feel comfortable & at home in the house also.

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