Post # 1
My fiance has 2 children aged 17 & 19 who live with their mum. I met their Dad 8months after she left him so was not involved in the break up. I do understand how it is hard for kids when parents break up but they have nothing to do with him unless they want something and will lie through their teeth to get what they want. They wrote lots of nasty things (So unrepeatable even their mother phoned me to apologise for ther disgusting behavoir!) about us on twitter. I confronted them and the daughter who is 19 said telling the truth gets her nowhere so she has to lie. She said she can’t stand me, that I was a pathtic old woman,her Dad could do better & I am out to take him for everything he’s got! Bit rich that seeing as he has nothing to take! I had bent over backwards to be nice and welcome them into my home.
I now have nothing to do with them at all.My fiance understands and he is still in contact with them which is right as he is their father.
But I do not want them sneering and taking the P on our special day. Am I wrong to not want them there?
My family think the world of my fiance and welcomed him into our family without any bitterness or jealousy and I am sure things would kick off if they showed disrespect to either of us.
We are so happy together all the rest of his family, especialy his mother, are delighted.
Post # 3
Though you have a right to feel the way that you do about them, you can’t ban his children from the wedding. Especially if he wants them there.
Post # 4
@2PeasinaPod: He understands how I feel and says he would like them to be there but not unless they have apologised to me and made things right with me. he also says he will not tell them they must do it as it must come from them.
To be honest I cannot see why they would want to come other than to cause trouble and ruin our wedding.they certainly will not want to be there to wish us well & be happy for us.
Post # 5
You are marrying a man with kids, wether you like them/get along with them, they are always going to be involved and be his family. If he wants them there, then they need to be invitied. Excluding them is only going to make things worse between the 3 of you.Even if his family knows how the kids feel about you, not inviting them is going reflect very badly on you.
Post # 6
@Carolekins: Really though, he NEEDS to tell them what they should be doing. He needs to be standing up for you to his grown children and telling them their behavior is not appropriate. For you all to just wait for them to act appropriately seems a bit like your Fiance hiding his head in the sand on this. If they need to apologize for you to welcome them at your wedding, then they need to know that.
Post # 7
If you think they hate you now.. just wait until they are not invited to the wedding.
I cant even comprehend how hard this must be for you and your Fiance and I am sorry your are struggling with this. Not inviting them to the wedding will completely ruin any chance of a relationship you have with them as well as your FI’s. They are his children and a part of them, it would be wrong to not invite them. Eventually, they will grow up and things will hopefully change but until then you have to be the bigger person (even if they are being awful).
Post # 8
This is such a tough situation but for me personally, I wouldn’t want to be married or get married until my relationship with the kids is right. They are lashing out at you, and not handling their feelings properly. Your Fiance and his ex probably didn’t manage the separation well, or the children…and its probably just too much, too soon for them.
They sound very angry and I am so sorry you are caught in the middle of all of this. Big hugs.
Post # 9
@Carolekins: I’m going thru a VERY similiar situation. Fiance has 2 daughters and 1 is refusing to come. I can feel your pain. I have no advice. I’m sorry
Post # 10
It might be difficult to explain the behaviors of his teenagers but people will make excuses for them and chalk it up to them being teenagers, however if you choose not to invite them to the wedding people will not make excuses for you but rather chalk it up to you being rude, selfish, not understanding, etc (many things I AM SURE you are not but from an outsider looking in you will be classified). Be the bigger person! YOU are the adult here.
Post # 11
They sound nasty enough that they could cause drama at your wedding. You guys could invite them, letting them know you only want them there if they support the marriage, but making it very clear in your invitation that they only should be there if they want to be there. If they do come, maybe have someone on bratty teenager duty that will drag them outside if they start causing a scene.
I’d also be concerned about where they got all their ideas. Could their mom be encouraging this?
Post # 12
@Neetch: Agreed. If FI’s not defending her now, that’s a serious problem that will only fester.
Post # 13
I’m on the other side of this. My oldest has a lot of issues and resentment towards everyone not just my Fiance. If her attitude doesn’t change, she won’t be coming to our wedding because I will not allow her selfish behavior destroy our day (or our honeymoon since it’s a DW). She was supposed to be in her father’s wedding and decided a half hour before to not show up so it’s nothing new. It’s HER choice. She will be an adult and will be expected to behave like one.
Personally, I don’t believe that your Fiance should be telling them that they must apologize. Forced apologies do NOT mean anything (every parent knows this!). However, I do believe that he needs to tell them that their behavior is unacceptable when it is. He needs to tell them that he is happy with you, when they hurt you they hurt him also and it must stop. The next time they start anything have him end the conversation and say ‘When you are ready to behave like an adult we will talk again’.
Post # 14
@fivemonthsnotice: Thanks for the hugs!
My fiance and wife split 3 years ago and the “kids” are adults more than they are kids. Their mother has had 3 partners since then, being live in partners at times too. Seems she can do what she likes as she cheated on her marriage yet that is fine with them. I think they are jealous that their Dad is happy.
Even if they do say sorry I know it will not be genuine. I know 100% I will never be accepted as their step mum because they told me so. To be honest I now think that is fine by me. But sad for my Fiance having such unpleasant offspring.
If mine had talked to him in such a nasty fashion they would not be coming either.
Post # 15
If you want a relationship with your step-kids in the future, invite them to the wedding. If you intend on never having a relationship with them, exclude them from the wedding.
Nothing good will come from excluding them from one of the most important days in their father’s life…
Post # 16
Obviously these kids have had their world turned upside down, and they’re lashing out at the one person they feel they can – you. Although they’re almost legally adults, emotionally they’ve just come through a shitstorm and are behaving badly.
I would just brush it all off and try to smile. Treat them the way you would want to be treated even if it’s difficult for you because, at the end of the day, you’re the adult. The more of an impact you allow them to have, the more they’ll push your buttons. Concentrate on making your day as wonderful as you can and if they show up and step out of line, ignore them. There’s nothing quite as diffusing in a situation as not rising to the bait.
Best of luck!