(Closed) His kids…any others in this situation?

posted 11 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@Trying, this is a tough situation.  I am not going through anything similar, but can imagine that if I were, it would be very difficult.  Some suggestions:  Have you ever done anything with the kids alone?  If it would be appropriate (depending on their situation), maybe it would be cool for them to get to know you without their dad around.  I can understand how they may want to spend time with their dad alone, regardless of how they feel about you.  Maybe you should try giving them some time with their dad?  I know you want to see him too though!  Sounds like there isn’t enough time with him to go around.  Have they ever been to where you live?  Maybe it would be if you all (dad included) took a weekend excursion to your neck of the woods and did cool stuff there.  It might help if they get a sense of where you are from and what your life is like (beyond their dad’s SO).

Post # 4
8351 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Before you came along, the kids had their daddy all to themselves. They are in an adjustment period just like you are. They are probably jealous of the time you two spend together. You handled yourself well, even though you cried, and your Fiance is awesome for sticking up for you and explaining the “policy” to the children. I am sure that you and your new family will get things worked out and do very well together. Just don’t forget that the two of you need your time together, and the kid’s may need some alone time with dad too.

Post # 5
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

ah yes, we are in the same boat. My fiance has 3 girls 6, 9 and 12.  I am lucky that the girl s love me and think im cooler than dad which is nice but at first i was nervous as hell.

One of his girls (the day i met them) asked him “if i dont like her are you going to dump her” he said no way…WHEW!  

Its so great that he stood up for you and your relationship.  Always remember that he is probably more nervous that YOU would be the one to think its way to much to deal with versus him thinking its to much.

He is probably afraid you would walk away first (especially if you do not have any kids, which i do not)

They will get used to you and they will see that their dad is happy and they will love you too.

Also, one thing i want to share (my experience) is that it will get hard.  There are times I get very jealous because its hard to share him even if it with his kids.  Let him have his daddy/children time but know he also will appreciate the time he gets with you even more.

Post # 6
8031 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I am the parent with the child in my situaion, and I had to figure out how to incorporate Fiance into our life.  And its not always easy.  Do the children get to spend any time alone with their dad?  If not, then I can see why they’d be displeased.  I understand you don’t get to see him often but they need time alone with him without you there. What I have found to work (fairly successfully) is that my daughter and I have one night a week that is just girls night where Fiance is not there.  It makes her feel special and lets her know that she and her mom have a relationship independent of the 3 of us.  Im sorry that it scared you, but I bet the kids are scared about losing their dad to another woman too.  I wish you all luck!

Post # 7
36 posts
  • Wedding: May 2010

This is very normal and common. It would really help you if you bought some books on step parenting. They been a god sent to me. Also join some online step parenting groups really helped me thru the hard times. They can help and give you great advice for every step of the way !

Post # 8
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

The kids aren’t going to censor anything that comes out of their mouths. Hopes, dreams, fears, anxieties—all will come straight out at you. Your fiance is right that the kids don’t make the policy. Like others have said, they are just adjusting. Give it time and make sure to communicate lots with your fiance. It sounds like you are doing a great job spending time with them!

Post # 9
2633 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with the poster that said they are probably just wanting to spend some alone time with their dad.  Both my Fiance and I have children and there are times where we all do stuff together and times where I spend time with mine (alone) and where he spends time with his (alone).

Post # 10
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I was the kid in this situation (13 when my stepmother moved in) and my heart goes out to you! It’s always a tough situation and is going to take every ounce of patience you had! But just to let you know, I was grateful to have a new older woman in my life, and just be careful that you are not misreading kid/teen behavior (ignoring, blurting out rude stuff, mood swings) as against you personally. Kids just have a different communication style and don’t think before they speak … You don’t have to pretend to be superhuman just like you don’t have to pretend to be their mom, just be patient and be real with them and they will come around!  and it’s a good sign that your Fiance is backing you up 🙂 feel free to PM me if you have any quesitons!

Post # 12
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Many on the Encore board are well-adept at this kind of situation and something I know alot about.

I’m a mom and my Fi is a dad.  Three between us.

I made it well known to him that I didn’t want to immerse myself 100 percent into “their time” when they came to see his dad.  I did not want to see myself as an interference in their time with dad.  I slowly became more involved during “their time” as the last 2 years went on.

You have to see things from a childs’ point of view.  They’re the ones who didnt’ get a say at all about any of this in their lives.  They didnt’ get a chance to vote on does mom and dad divorce.  They didn’t get a vote on “do I want mom or dad to date again or remarry”.  Nope.

I saw my son go thru something like this when my former husband remarried.  Granted, he was cheating and it was literally an add-water kind of marriage and shake, but my son had a difficult time.  He had somebody around (the stepmom) who he didn’t really know, and was told “son, this is your stepmom.” and he had to like it or lump it.  

I was the one ironically who said to be nice to her, he didn’t want to be at all.  I also spent some time (yuck) ad nauseum talking to my ex, to encourage him to have son and dad time alone.  Just the two of them.  But he refused, and it caused my son to feel left out and have issues with the whole thing.

I know it’s difficult, tryingtobepatient, to have couple time with your Fiance,  but you knew he was a dad going into this relationship, just as I know T is a dad going into this also.  We sure don’t get as many date nights as two childless partners would, but that’s ok.  We took the slow road on this one, and it’s paying off well.  HIs kids 100 percent accept me and we have no issues with my son either (he loves him!).  It’s a slow process, does take alot of patience, and when you’re married, you will be there full time!

One thing I did was meet up with T on a weekend when his kids were there, meet them all for lunch, and then just make over, be so happy and supportive and say stuff like “Wow, you all are going to have so much fun today.  I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend/day with your dad.  Can’t wait to see all of you later”.  That really worked.  My counselor btw, who I worked with after my divorce and saw again a few years ago, said that making demonstrative efforts and being very vocal about how you love and support their relationship with their dad and support them having quality time with their dad will make the ease into becoming a new family just so much simpler.

Much of them accepting and feeling comfy about all of this is perception.  If they perceive they have you, a stepmom to be, all supportive and happy about them spending alone time w/dad and then saying how you can’t wait to spend time with them too, it will be perceived quite differently than if you’re not vocal about things.

He’d spend time with his kids for most of the weekend, then on the last day we’d have a night all together where we had dinner, played games, or watched a special movie (family things) so they could feel comfy and ease into things.  They don’t feel I am there to steal their dad from them.

(((((tryingtobepatient, Fiance, and kids))))))

Post # 13
10 posts
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’ve definitely been in that situation too. I know it is hurtful when you try so hard to make the new family dynamics work and *gasp* even enjoy each other…only to have what sounds and feels like rejection. But, they are just kids and as everyone else has said, they are really hurting from the situation. I think you and SO have done everything right. With how much time they get with him solo that one week he is around you have been more than accomadating. They just needed him to put his foot down and now more time to get used to it.

It will get better eventually, but they probably just wish it still was as it was before.

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