Post # 1
I am now entering a great debate…Baby O’s last name…
Before, it had never crossed my mind whose last name Baby O would have, but now I am not so sure. Her father hasnt been terribly active in her growth in development in womb, and I am scared it will carry on after birth. He is particularly upset at me for having picked out her name already without him, but refuses to partake in doctor’s appointments, registry, furniture shopping, pediatrician picking, etc. I feel like by giving Baby O his last name, he should really step up to the plate and fast! I want her to have that connection with her father, but I dont want him to be her father in name only. I know they say that men dont become a father until their baby is born so maybe it could be different then?
Oh bees! I have no idea what to do!
Post # 3
This is my personal opinion, but I would never pick my child’s name with the father being equally involved in the naming process (aka compromise). Many men don’t feel the attachment to their child until they are born. They don’t feel the baby moving regularly, etc, which doesn’t help with bonding. I think talking to your SO and deciding together what to name your child (first, middle, last) would be the best option.
Edit: I think I am missing a lot of backstory…. If you and the father are still involved, I think he should have more of a say than if he’s no longer really in the picture. Without more info, I’m not sure what I would do in that situation.
Post # 4
I’m not sure what to tell you to do, but i can tell you what’s going on in our family. I have a niece that 7 years ago had a child (my nieces and nephews are only a few years younger then me) and gave the child the father’s last name. They both had problems and the long and short of it is 7 years later my great niece has NO contact with her father. I have her once a week, and once a week we have the same conversation, how come she doesn’t have her stepfather’s last name, or even our last name, can’t we just change it. It’s a shame cause she brings that up with everyone in our family.
Post # 5
You should not give your baby his last name.
If i remember correctly (or vaguely, at the least), he didn’t want the baby and you guys broke up. He doesn’t even remotely deserve to share a name with the child YOU have carried and YOU will be primarily taking care of.
Not at all. And don’t expect him to suddenly change, either–i think that’s expecting far too much from this guy seeing as how he won’t help with furniture, registry, pediatricians, etc. So all he cared about was picking her first name?
He should like a piece of work, frankly, and his inactive behavior will likely continue after the birth, as sad as that is to say.
Post # 6
Are you and the Father still in a relationship? Sorry if I’ve missed prior details. I don’t think many babies are real to the Dad until baby is actually here so he may be a fine
Post # 7
I would give the baby your last name unless you sit down and have a serious talk with this guy and tell him what you are planning on doing unless he steps up. I wonder if you can change the birth certificate if he does come around after baby is born?
Post # 8
i remember your older posts. since you broke up, i would give the baby your name. he isn’t very involved and probably won’t have a magical turnaround once the baby is here.
Post # 9
My aunt gave my cousin his father’s last name instead of hers because he wouldn’t even agree to hyphenating. A few years later she became a single parent and continued to regret that decision. When my cousin was 12 or 13 he asked his mom about why he didn’t have her last name & asked if he could change it. So, lots of work and money later she changed his last name to hers and wishes that’s what she had done from the beginning.
Now, in your case, it’s your choice, but I thought I would share her experience with you just in case you would also one day regret not giving your baby your last name. And since you’re already broken up I would personally lean even more towards giving her my last name.
Post # 10
Logistically, I think it’s easier if you and your child share a last name. A friend of mine had a different last name from her daughter after her divorce, and found that (for the first time) she was constantly being asked to show proof of being her daughter’s mother (i.e. if she as Mary Smith was taking Katie Smith on a plane, no one wanted to see Katie’s birth certificate or other proof that Mary Smith was her mother, but now that Mary Smith is Mary Jones, she needs to carry around more documentation).
Post # 11
Yours! You will always be there and be primarily involved in your daughter’s life. If he continues his current disinterest, she will more likely hate that she shares a name with someone who could care less about her. If he steps up to the plate and wants her name changed to his later in life, being the good dad that he has become, he can foot the legal bill.
I also agree with @Lozza since you wouldn’t have to “prove” your biological relationship if you have the same name.
Post # 12
If memory serves, you are no longer together with your daughter’s father, but you plan to co-parent.
Your baby should have your last name since you are the primary parent. Its just easier logistically.
Post # 13
Your last name!
My niece and nephew (born out of wedlock) are dealing with this now. Even though they know their “dad” he isn’t in their lives and it stinks that my IL’s that are raising the kids with different last names. Their “dad” (I say that i quotes because he’s not a father) will never be a father to them and they shouldn’t have to feel left out of the only family they do have (the ones with our last name).
Post # 14
Why would your child automatically get the father’s last name? I chose to take DH’s name because I wanted our family to share the same last name, and thus my child will have our shared last name. Even if the baby’s father does step up, now or later, why would you necessarily need to give your child his name? I’m assuming you are putting the father’s name on the birth certificate, so you are saying that the child is his. If he is not wanting this child and is not involved in anything, I’d be even less inclined to give the child the father’s name.
Post # 15
I agree with other posters, I would give the child your last name. It will also make things less complicated, especially if you two are not on good terms.
Post # 16
I would give the child my last name in your situation. If the father does flake or is distant I’d feel like a kid having his last name would be a constant reminder to her of being less than favored by her dad.