His mom picked the ring

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
11 posts
Newbee

I would give him the ring back and tell him when he can go pick one out himself I would be more than happy to wear whatever ring he picked.

Post # 17
Member
835 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

I would feel the same as you bee. 

The flip side is it’s not easy for most guys to make these choices and probably out of fear of disappointing you, he turned to his mom for advice. It’s alot of pressure for anyone to pick something out that is usually very sentimental and personal as an engagement ring without the receiver of the gift involved. My SO flat out told me “I want your help because I want you to love it”. Some ladies might not apperciate that because they have an expectation that their SO is suppose to know, and thats a lot of pressure for anyone. Then the receiver is left with unmet expectations that are hard feelings to work through. 

His mother must be fond of you and that’s always a good thing! And the fact that he paid for it is most important part IMO (my ex had his mom buy my ering, I should’ve known then!) 

Congratulations on your engagement! Maybe y’all can look for wedding bands together and having his input might make you feel better about your set. Letting your expectations be know is a good start to any healthy relationship, especially if you’re getting married. 

 

ETA: Oof I missed alot information in this thread before I posted. Future Mother-In-Law sounds a bit unbareable & now I understand more how hurtful this was. I still think buying a personal item like this is very difficult but as other bee’s have said there needs to be some boundries to how involved his mother is. Maybe y’all can return the ring to get something you pick out together. You have to chat it out and not be afriad to hurt his feelings, as long as you express yourself in a calm manner (not assuming you wouldn’t), I don’t see why he can’t make this right for you both. You’ve been together a long time, so hopefully that helps. 

Post # 18
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

wondering1 :  Yeah, pretty dumb on his part.  Best thing at this point is to make it clear how that made you feel.  Tell him what you’e telling us.  Communication, clear communication is your best friend in relationships.

Post # 19
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

wondering1 :  Don’t laugh it off. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him with empathy but full honesty how I felt. I’d own the feelings, be specific, and suggest what I wanted him to do about it (apologize? replace it? etc)

“Greg, it makes me uncomfortable that you outsourced picking my engagement ring to your mom completely. I know I laugh it off yesterday because I was feeling awkward and didn’t want to show you how hurt I was – I should’ve been up front with you from the start. I feel like an engagement ring is something really personal between the two of us and knowing your mom was ultimately responsible makes me feel weird about wearing it. I would be much more comfortable if you and I went back, returned it, and picked out something new together that’s JUST for the two of us. If there’s an exchange fee, I will cover it.”

But that’s just me.

Post # 20
Member
9728 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Congrats on your engagement to his mother!

But really, what the hell. 

Post # 21
Member
611 posts
Busy bee

Ack I know how you feel! Oh so many years ago this happened to me, but he got his sister to get me the ring, I was livid and then years later broke up with him. Maybe this is an opportunity to return the ring and pick out something yourself? That way at least you get exactly what you want. 

Post # 22
Member
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

 wondering1 : Sounds rather passive aggressive of him to share this info with you.   Did you have to coax/ask/convince him to get engaged? It sounds as if he may feel forced as no one could possibly be so clueless as to think it’s ok for someone else to pick out your engagement ring!

Post # 23
Member
3216 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Aw man.. I totally get why you’re hurt by this.. it’s one of those situations where you know he didn’t mean to be hurtful, but he just didn’t think at all. Your Engagement Ring is supposed to be very personal and intimate.. so it MEANS something to either pick it out together or for him to pick one based on what he wants to convey about and to you.

I think you need to tell him how it makes you feel that it was so impersonal.

Post # 24
Member
10028 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Post edited:

Oops.  I read your post wrong, I thought Mom picked the ring UP, not that she picked it OUT.  Ok, mind changed, I understand why you are upset, I would be too!

Post # 25
Member
11946 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

What he really should do at this point is to offer for the two of you to go back and pick out something together.

Post # 26
Member
11946 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Deleted

Post # 27
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Yeah I’d be hurt by this too. With the information you’ve given that you’ve been together 9 years and his mother is overbearing, my first thought is that perhaps she pressured him into getting engaged because you’ve been together so long, he resisted, but agreed to propose to you if she did the work of picking out the ring. I really hope that is not the case, but the minimal effort he put into this would definitely be cause for concern.

Also it would concern me because he KNOWS you wouldn’t want his mother to pick out the ring, as evidenced by him saying you weren’t supposed to find out, but he let her pick it out anyway.

Post # 28
Member
10028 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

weddingmaven :  Lol.  I didn’t catch your comment before you deleted it but I’m sure I deserved it.  😉  I completely read it wrong the first time!

Post # 29
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

This is messed up. I know my husband went ring shopping with his mom because she knows about jewelry and he is clueless, and he thought she might have an idea of what I would like. But he was there and made the decisions himself! This is just weird. I think you should tell him how you feel about this. I would definitely not be cool with this at all.

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