His mom picked the ring

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

wondering1 :  So … you believe that even if you tell him how important it is to you (not try to be a “cool girlfriend” and laugh it off) that he won’t care? And will continue to let his overbearing mother rule your relationship? If he’s willing to say “Geez wondering, I’m so sorry! I had no idea it would be this upsetting, let’s fix it right away,” then I don’t see it being a problem in the future. Everyone makes mistakes. But if he’s just going to shrug and say “Eh, that’s how my mom is! Deal with it!” then THAT is a red flag. Marriage has conflict and compromise, and if he’s willing to engage in those things, that’s what you want. Compromise and communication. But if he brushes you off, ignores your feelings, and defers to mom, then … yeah, I’d question if I want to stay in that relationship forever.

Check out DWIL or r/JustNOmil for more specific input about how this plays out in the long run. They’ve seen it *all.*

Post # 32
Member
12096 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Sunfire :  LOL, nothing bad. I just pointed out that the mom didn’t just pick it up, the fiancé had nothing to do with the selection.

Post # 33
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

wondering1 :  I would definitely be upset by this. As far as what to do, you need to sit down with him and let him know that you were caught off guard by it at first and now that you’ve had time to think about it, that it bothers you.

I would be asking him why he didn’t think it was important for him to be involved in the selection of your ring, if he realizes that it takes the sentiment out of it and makes it feel to you like perhaps he didn’t want to get engaged. Open up the dialogue and have a conversation, as much as it will be hard to do.

Post # 34
Member
12096 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

wondering1 :   “ I do like the ring she picked. It’s more is this a red flag? Even if I talk to him what will it solve? He put no effort in. Does he want to do this even? How do we get over the fact that he did it in the first place? My mind is just questioning what was going through his head? If that makes sense at all.” 

It’s a red flag if he continues to minimize your feelings. I think that’s what talking to him will accomplish. Knowing nothing about the relationship, it’s impossible to tell if this is a sign that he’s less than excited to be getting married  or if he’s clueless.

What do you think? How is your relationship otherwise? He did say you weren’t supposed to find out, but if that’s true it suggests he wasn’t oblivious to the connotations at all. 

I’d talk to him. No guarantees how that will go, but I think his reaction will be telling one way or another.

Post # 35
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

wondering1 :  Yes, absolutely I would have all those same thoughts too. Also, what slomotion :  said… You’re essentially engaged to his mother! Does he often put in the minimum effort required?  I would decide how you want to proceed, then talk to him about it. Don’t play it cool as to not hurt his feelings. YOUR feelings are hurt and he should knowhow his behavior and choices has caused that. “FI, I know I laughed about it the other day, but I’m actaully really hurt that you couldnt put any effort into choosing a ring for me. This is supposed to be about US, not your mom. I know I wasn’t supposed to find out, but that just tells me that you know it wasn’t right for you to outsource this to her. It makes me worry that you dont actually want to get married and that you are putting the absolute minimum effort required. I’m hurt and I feel like our enagement is a very low prioirty for you.” Then tell him how you’d like to fix it. Don’t down play your feelings. Tell him how you really feel and then come to a solution together. This is your first hurdle as an engaged couple, here is where you get to start setting the tone for your marriage! Talk about it rationally and find a resolution you are both comfortable with. 

Post # 36
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee

It would bother me, too.

I also don’t like his reaction (laughing and telling you that you  weren’t supposed to find out). I’d want to ask him “so, what else are you hoping I don’t find out?”

Post # 37
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

I mean—— you can read too much into this. The ring isn’t important to him. That doesn’t mean the marriage isn’t important to him. Do you have some other reason for concern? I often off-load waht present to get for people I love to other people in their lives who are better at picking such things….but I still love those people very much (its why I am getting them a present!)

Post # 38
Member
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

wondering1 :  honestly, i really don’t see what the big deal is and i’m shocked by how unanimous the responses have been, lol. so what? he gave her a list of styles, he paid for it….clearly your Fiance knew enough to find someone with good taste in jewelry. i’d much rather have a ring that DH’s mother picked out that i liked than one that Darling Husband picked out and i hated. *shrug* Many of us here have fiances and husbands who didn’t pick out the ring at all because we picked them ourselves! i’m one of them. husband said to me – pick out whatever you want, it’s your ring, and i want you to like it.

and what about heirloom rings? those are rings that someone’s mother/grandmother/father/grandfather chose – not the fiance. i don’t get all the hurt here.

Post # 39
Member
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Return the ring to the store. Hand him back his money. Let him take it from there.

Post # 41
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 I havent read all of the replies only the first page.

For me it wouldn’t really matter if the ring was what I wanted. I’d rather his mom picked it out and get a good ring then a Fiance who didnt have a clue and picked a bad choice.

Obviously I’d rather my Fiance choose but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker. How was the proposal was it super thoughtful and special to you as a couple? That would help a lot if he had put effort into the proposal instead?!

Post # 42
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Seems like a bigger issue here (although Mother-In-Law choosing my ring would be a big deal to me) is him minimising your feeling and you feeling unable to put your point across – you say you sort of laughed with him and that there’s no point in talking to him about it again.

Is this a one-off or typical of your relationship?

Post # 43
Member
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

wondering1 :  still don’t get what the big deal is. I picked out my own ering, so technically Darling Husband “put very little thought into it”. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Your Fiance proposed, right? He didn’t have his mother do that? 

Post # 44
Member
1005 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

wondering1 :  How far are you willing to go to communicate how much this hurt you?

It is possible that some bees might be able to take the small blow, shrug it off and move on with the wedding, forgiving the guy. I personally might go that route if I didn’t feel like the whole engagement was sold short. I don’t know your relationship.

You could go the other extreme and give it back, saying that it doesn’t feel like it truly came from him and you’ll be happy to accept a proposal for marriage that he put some effort into. This can sour your relationship, so tread lightly. Mom will be pissed as well. And if he comes around a second time, paying for it himself, the ring may have a more humble design (which is totally fine, just keep that as part of your expectations)

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