His mom picked the ring

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
6347 posts
Bee Keeper

wondering1 :   I mean I hold told him exactly the style I wanted. I guess I just feel that very little thought was put into it. 

It sounds like mil did just pick it UP then. YOU picked it out. He just sent her to actually pick it up?

Post # 48
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I don’t want to read into this too much but you guys were together for 9 years so ‘shit or get off the pot’ came and went and now we’re here.

For whatever reason it took the man 9 years to propose and now he’s just like ‘meh, here mom, this is what she likes and here’s money, can you go do this really inconvenient thing that took me 9 years to do in the first place?’ 

That’s how it feels to me. And I would be bull shit if it were me. 

BUT if you really love him and everything else is great IF. Then I would be mad as hell, give it back, and tell him to go pick something out for you himself and not his mom and he should be fine with that. Because Mother-In-Law picking out YOUR engagement ring isn’t a ‘YOU GUYS’ thing anymore. It’s a ‘you me and my mom’ thing. And, no. Just no. 

Post # 49
Member
9607 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

wondering1 :  i’d actually be more hurt about Mother-In-Law picking it out than about who went and did the errand that day to pick it up.  My husband paid the company a bit extra so they’d courrier it to him, so he didn’t have to take a trip in to town.  If he’d gotten a friend or family member to be his courrier instead, I wouldn’t care.  But I do see why you’d be upset if he had her pick the ring itself, even if it was based on your preferences. 

My Mother-In-Law badgered my husband to describe the ring and his proposal plan to her and he refused to–he wanted me to be the first one to find all that stuff out; not her.  Considering my Mother-In-Law is very overbearing and has been overly entwined in his life, finding out he did that meant a lot to me.  So I really do get your hurt that he basically did the opposite.

I’m also with bees who are even more concerned at the fact he doesn’t seem to care you’re upset.  I get making a mistake–everyone makes bad judgement calls–but laughing off your upset is not ok.  I wouldn’t even necessarily need him to “fix” it (if you like the ring, at least, then no harm keeping it.  If you’d prefer a different one I’d go ahead and exchange it though since there is zero sentimentality behind this specific ring since HE DIDNT PICK IT).  I would, however, need him to at least be like “gee babe I’m so sorry I didn’t realize this would hurt you, thats the last thing I wanted”.  Just an ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that his actions hurt you.  If he won’t even do that…  red flag, as they say.

Post # 50
Member
920 posts
Busy bee

To me, it seems like the issue is that OP’s Fi put zero effort into buying what a lot of women (and men) would argue is one of the most important and symbolic gifts in a couple’s life together. 

OP, from her posts, drew up a list of rings that she would like. It’s like someone drawing up a Christmas list or a registry. She wanted her Fiance to put some time and effort into choosing a symbolic gift for her that he wanted to buy from the options she suggested. Instead, he gave the list to his mom and told her to take the time and effort to make the choice. People often say it’s not the gift, it’s the thought that counts – in this case, Fiance seems to have put no thought into the gift!

OP, I totally understand why you’re upset. An engagement ring is extremely symbolic – it’s a symbol of his commitment to you. That he couldn’t – or wouldn’t – find the time or put forth the effort to select the ring himself…yeah, I’d be upset too. That ring would feel symbolic of him half-assing something important rather than being whole-heartedly involved and enthusiastic. 

Post # 51
Member
29 posts
Newbee

It might sound silly to some, but I’d feel pretty hurt by this. My fiance spent 6+ months researching cut ratios that would give maximum sparkle, had multiple diamonds sent to his office so he could examine them in person, drove 5 hours to a jeweler that was recommended but wasn’t satisfied with any of their diamonds, etc etc. He is super particular so I wouldn’t expect every guy to do all of that, but he told me after we got engaged and he was able to tell me all this that he actually really enjoyed the process because wanting to get something for me that I would love was really special for him. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all, I think turning something as important as that into an errand for his mom to do for him is lazy and off-putting.

Post # 52
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

wondering1 :  well we ordered it online, so no one drove to the store. Bee, i think this is one of those times in life where you can make a choice when it comes to your perspective. It seems like you’re actively choosing to turn this into something and to think of driving to the store as an “errand”, rather than focusing on the proposal and the fact that this man wants to spend the rest of his life with you. 

Post # 53
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Did he put any effort into the proposal? If you like the ring I don’t see any point in returning it out anything but you should sit him down and talk about it. Make sure you’re clear on it being the two not the three of you. Make it clear going forward all decisions about wedding (and anything else) planning will be the two of you. Make sure he realizes that you’re bothered. My husband initially put no effort into the proposal and it took awhile for him to understand why it was important to me. He was focused on being committed to me and the details didn’t seem to matter so much (to him). Eventually he realized he needs to care about things I care about and I need to let him know what those things are (and vice a versa). He re proposed and was more involved with wedding things once I made that clear. It sounds like he just needs to make sure you feel loved.

Post # 54
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

avprobeauty :  this is exactly what I was thinking, spot on.

OP: DID he put any effort into proposing? Who’s idea was it to get engaged after 9 years? How is the relationship otherwise?

Post # 55
Member
306 posts
Helper bee

catskillsinjune :  I agree with you. Not seeing why this is such a huge deal. It’s just a ring! But then again, I am not sentimental about objects so is this a “love language” difference?

So many people come here HATING their ring. While the directions given may seem obvious, maybe it isn’t to the guy. And don’t many guys enlist the help from their SO friends?

Post # 56
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Ok I know this probably isn’t helpful at all… but if this was me, I would ask him to return it and pick out a new one. I wouldn’t even care what he picked – as long as it was his choice. I’m crazy sentimental, and attach a lot of significance to even the smallest gifts, so this would just stick with me forever. 

Is that an option for you at all? Would he be up for it, if he knew how important it would be for you?

[edit: just saw the number of others who said the same, and I don’t feel as bratty haha]

Post # 57
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

Heres my thoughts. 

1. Sales people need to learn to shut the f*ck up. I’m currently chatting with a girlfirend who got engaged too and there was an issue with the ring. Her fiance already told her but when she went to get it from being resized the mouthy cows behind the desk were like “OH I remember THAT ring. there was quite the story there… but dont you worry about. like dont even ask your fiance”

I’m sorry but what the f**k. do your job and f*ck off. 

 

2. You said he is a farmer and gets really busy. I initially took the stance of ” ok hes not a jewellery bloke. his mum probably made a fuss and he thought it convenient that she get to go get the ring and save me time.” not the most thoughtful but he probably figured she would pick a batter ring than him and he probably cares more about getting engaged and not the physical ring? like a ring is a symbol of his commitment so maybe he didnt think it through? Also he thought you wouldn’t find out not because he was being dodgy in a way but its logistics he didnt think necessary?

^ I’m still hopeful and would try and think optimistically about it in that way but I would be hurt too. 

 

? Maybe hes shrugging it off because he is very embarrased about you finding out and realizing it is an issue….and he doesnt know how to fix it. so acting like it’s a non issue kind of resolves the need to fix. ??

 

3. There could be a red flag here though and I cant grasp the context fully. You really need to take some time out and consider things and trust your gut. TRUST YOUR GUT LADIES AND DONT LET ANYONE ARGUE IT!!!

 

also I think if you can think about what you want to resolve it that will help. it’s good to air your concerns but if you have an expectation of how to move forward it helps resolve faster and less likely to be an argument ?

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