Post # 1
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
Ok so here’s the background, b/f and I have been together almost 5 years. We have been living together for over 2 years…almost 3 really. We’ve been talking about engagment…whole other issue…anyways… So we both have good jobs, he just bought a business 7 months ago. I teach at a university. So his mom has been talking abut retiring in 5 years, selling her house, and moving near us. (he’s an only child) I’m ok with her living near us, especially since he is her only son. So she’s been seriously looking at areas near us. I’ve been telling b/f that he needs to talk to her because there’s a good chance we might not be here in 5 or 6 years.He agrees and says he’ll mention it to her.
Flashforward to Sat. night, we’re at dinner, and she starts talking about areas near us again. He still hasn’t mentioned to it. So I tell her, You know ___ we might not be living there in 5 or 6 years. Housing is very expenisve in this area (we currently rent) and we’ll probably not be able to afford a house there. She asks where we would be thinking of (all places b/f said he would like to move to) and she says, “Oh, yeah I had a feeling that this would happen, I know B. (b/f) was settled there, but I told my friends, divergirl was a wild card.”
Wildcard? I was a little offended, cuz b/f and I had talked about not staying here. Also, that she tells her friends this. I mean I can kind of see where she is coming from because I’m at a crossroads of what I want to do with my personal and professional life; have kids or get a Ph.D. But I don’t think that means I’m a wild card. I was a little upset my b/f didn’t chime in saying he had actually contributed to this decison, and that it wasn’t definite. Especailly since I’ve limited my Ph.d program lists just so I could stay near him since he does have a business.
B/f says that her comment was innocent, and that she didn’t mean anything by it and I shouldn’t be offended. I’m trying to let it go, but it’s just bugging me… what do you bees think?
Post # 3
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
Try not to let it bother you, I dont think they mean a thing about it. I had a similar situation. My Fiance is the youngest of 3 (2 older sisters and him). His mom basically set up both his sisters with their husbands (#1 was a blind date after he did some restoration work on their house and #2 is the son of friends from “the golf group”). Fiance and I met, of all places, on an online dating site (sounds stupid but we are absolutely perfect for eachother). She mentioned to me right after we got engaged that she felt weird because she had a hand in choosing her son in laws but not her daughter in law…SOOO, You are upset you didn’t get to “choose” me?!?!? WOULD YOU HAVE CHOSEN ME???? 1)We met online and 2) I have Multiple Sclerosis (thought I’m fine and no one can tell)…who wants their baby to marry an internet freak with an incurable disease and will have medical bills forever?? My mind tends to go far with these things.
It bothered me for the longest time until my Fiance talked to her about me not feeling “good enough”. She apologized and told me she didn’t mean saying it that way and in fact she told she couldn’t have picked a better woman for her son and someone thats fits in with their family so well and easily. We now have a great relationship and I have involved her in every step of the wedding planning process, we’ve become closer for it.
I would look at it as she wants to be closer to both of you, not just her son. Maybe she meant with an exciting sense of adventure?
Post # 4
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
I can see why it would bother it, because it would bother me too. Try not to worry too much about it. If I were you I’d want my boyfriend to tell her that it’s a mutual decision where you live, and etc.
Maybe she just wants to be able to move and is frustrated that she can’t make a decision now? Whatever it is, don’t hold onto any negative feelings.
Post # 5
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
How is your relationship normally?
I got blamed for a lot of things in the beginning of our relationship and now that we are married, I still do. Some things are laughable, others are not and that’s when the SO needs to step in.
Post # 6
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
er, I’d take it as a compliment. Surely I’m not the only one who thinks being a “wildcard” is a good thing? I like it when people note that I’m unpredictable to them. Exciting, unique. Whats bad about that?
Post # 7
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
@nyebride: We’re not really close. We have very little in common, actually my boyfriend and gardening are the only interests we share. She’s a therapist, so I always feel she is analyzing everything I say. I think she likes me well enough, she did say she thought b/f and were really good for each other, and seemed pretty happy when we told her we were planning on getting married. I know her and my b/f have actually been closer because of me, so I don’t think she’d intentionally try to offend me….
Post # 8
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
I don’t think she meant to offend you. She probably just meant that you are unpredictable. It doesn’t help that SO makes you tell her everything…instead of doing what you asked and telling her about the potential move.
Really, calm down. She just picked the wrong wording and probably didn’t mean to offend you. I know a lot of us girls have had far worse said about us 😉
Post # 9
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
If putting the blame soley on you isn’t a common occurence, I would take what your bf said and try not to be offended (you have the right to feel how you feel, I’m not telling you you don’t) but if this is a common occurence then your Boyfriend or Best Friend needs to do something.
Post # 10
Member
1393 posts
Bumble bee
Oy. I can only imagine what my Future Mother-In-Law thinks/calls me. She lives 8 hours away and we do not have similar lifestyles AT ALL. I’m sure uptight and snobby are at least two of the things she calls me. At one point there was a bit of a FB fight where Future Mother-In-Law was being pretty hypocritical and mean. SO stood up for me which I really appreciated but she deleted us and wouldn’t talk to SO until he called and apologized and she played the wounded bird card. It was really pathetic. It was really nice to have him stand up for me to his mom but in the end, it wasn’t worth the fiasco it turned into.
Post # 11
Member
14969 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I think the statement could’ve been completely innocent. In all reality, it sounds like your PhD. program can take you guys just about anywhere (even though you have limited your choices) and he has a busniess and is all set to stay put – sounds like your program (or you directly) is a ‘wild card’ for where you guys may end up. If your b/f didnt think much of the comment (which is more than likely, guys are so dense soemtimes), I could see why he didn’t bother to try to chime in on it to help ‘defend you’ and the decision. He probably saw nothing to defend. I’m sure glad I haven’t got this from his family and hope I never do. Fiance moved cross country to try a new place for a job and had every intention of moving back to settle down… until he met me.
Post # 12
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
So today B/f and I got a thank you card from his mom saying how she liked hearing about our plans. She also said that she appreciated that I shared with her what our plans were, and that she thought b/f hadn’t shared his because of “concern of her reaction” but I think she likes that I was honest and straight forward with her. She also said we’re similar in that we like to plan things but she’s going to try to “live in the moment” and see what things come our way.
So I’m thinking that being a wild card isn’t a bad thing, and I’m starting to feel a lot better. I think I’m going to try and keep her more informed because I feel a little badly that she doesn’t find things out as soon as others (like my family) because b/f doesn’t share what’s going on.
Post # 13
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
@divergirl: So good to hear that things are going well with your Future Mother-In-Law now. Things were rather rocky with my SO’s parents for a while… they are very quiet and conservative and I… well, I’m a high school drama teacher who captained my high school debate team. Not backward about coming forward, etc etc. Once they met my parents they understood a bit more about my background and how I was raised… and time passed so I guess that it isn’t so much “fear of the unknown”.
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