(Closed) His mom told me she may have cancer and told me not to tell FI.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wow is that ever hard!!!!

I think I would tell Fiance – I don’t keep any secrets from him and I think that if he finds out you were keeping it from him it could really hurt your new marriage. You can tell him that she told you not to tell and hopefully he can handle it in a way that won’t make it evident to your Future Mother-In-Law that you told him.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this and that Future Mother-In-Law is not doing well!

Post # 4
Member
2681 posts
Sugar bee

Wow what a hard spot you are in, Im so sorry for you and your family!  I personally would be in a hard place as well but I think in the end I would tell my Fiance.  If he found out I knew his mom was sick and didnt tell him, that would hurt worse than him not knowing at all.  If it is terminal as she thinks, Id rather him know now and risk her being mad at me for telling.  God forbid something happen before the wedding and he didnt get a chance to know?

Since his sister knows and Im assuming his dad knows as well, can you talk to them and get them to talk to her and convince her to see a doctor?  Since she is a retired nurse there might be a possibility she could see a doctor she knows even if she doesnt have insurance?  She shouldnt give up hope, especially without a proper diagnosis.

Im so sorry to hear this and I hope everything will be ok!  My best wishes to you, your FI’s mom and family.

Post # 5
Member
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Wow that is terrible.  I would most definitely honor FIML’s wishes.  If I were in her shoes, I would be devestated if my son recived this news in a way that I had not planned for.  You could try to convince her to tell him….but I think it’s very inappropriate to tell him yourself.

 I’m so sorry.  goodluck

Post # 6
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hot to the touch?  Isn’t that what happens when there are blood clots?  That’s also really serious but a completely different situation.  So, honestly, this is how I’d handle the situation.  I would seriously drag her to the doctor or hospital.  I wouldn’t care if I had to chloroform her!  Its too serious an issue to be afraid of drama or angering her and the family.  If she refused, then, I would tell my Fiance.  It depends on your Fiance though.  I know, for a fact, that if mine found out I’d kept this from him, no matter how pure my motive was, he’d lose it.  He’d be so upset with me.  I feel like he has a right to know and should be allowed to step in if need be. 

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, it must be really difficult.  I hope it all works out and that she’s fine.

Post # 7
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

If my husband knew anything like this about my mom and didn’t tell me I would be livid! To me, it was totally unreasonable of her to ask you to keep this a secret.  What if telling him could help save her life? I say you have no choice but to tell him and she will just have to understand.

Post # 8
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

She’s putting you in a terrible position. I think you need to tell her you can’t start your marriage not being open with your Fiance, and that if she’s not willing to tell him, you feel you have to. At least that way she’ll have an opportunity to come clean, and you can just be there for your Fiance. I’m so sorry to hear about this. 

Post # 9
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

She doesn’t know for sure they are cancer. She really should go in. And if they are cancer, it doesn’t mean they have gotten into her blood or lymph system and spread, so they may be operable. She needs to find out what she is dealing with. It might not be as bad as she thinks.

That aside, I would tell her that you can’t keep a secret like that from your Fiance. You don’t want to be the one who has to tell him, but if she won’t then you will. Or maybe make a deal with her. If she goes and gets them checked out, you won’t tell him until they know for sure what they are. Maybe it would be a way to get her to go to the Dr.

I hope everything works out for her and this situation.

Post # 10
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2010

This is a very hard thing to deal with and I am sorry that you, so far, have to deal with it alone. My father died of melanoma almost a year ago and I am glad I knew.

I don’t know the answer to your question, but I can tell you that if I were in your place, I would tell Fiance. I would go to her first, explain that it just is not right to not tell him and either let her agree to it or you will tell him. Would you want to know if this was your mother? What happens if the cancer already spread and she passes next week? Can you deal with the fact that you knew and you didn’t tell him?

I don’t think you will ruin any relationship with her and him. Dealing with cancer is very hard but brought my family closer than we ever were. At least if he knows he can take the time to do things with his mom and you, together, that he always wanted to do. It seems to me that she and his family are great people, so I doubt she will be mad at you if you go to her first about your predicament. I hope this helps in any way =) Time is so precious and you all need to be together.

Post # 11
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

That’s a tough spot.  And I agree with PP’s.  You should tell your Future Mother-In-Law that you can’t keep secrets from your Fiance and let her know that she either has to tell her Fiance herself, or you will tell him.  I’m so sorry your going through this.  It’s even worse that your Future Mother-In-Law refuses to seek treatment.  *HUGS*

Post # 12
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’m sorry but in matters like this, you cannot keep a secret. In fact, unless it’s a girl friend telling you things in private (that have no bearing on your family or marriage), you really shouldn’t keep secrets from your husband/significant other. Especially about their own parent. Tell your Future Mother-In-Law that you are sorry, but this is not something you can keep to yourself and let her know that you will tell him, or she will tell him.  If you wait, maybe she won’t even make the wedding.  That’s a horrible thought, but it could be a reality. you don’t want to live your life with secrets and regrets! I know the health insurance thing could be a problem, but it’s not as bad of a problem as losing someone prematurely. Is she old enough for medicare etc?

Post # 13
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I am so sorry that you are going through this – both because your Future Mother-In-Law may be ill and because you’re stuck between telling your fiance and going against your FMIL’s wishes. You mention that your first priority is your Fiance, and I think you should tell him. Maybe you could even talk to your Future Mother-In-Law and tell her gently that you have to tell him, and maybe that situation alone will convince her to bring it up first.

I’d have a hard time going against someone’s wishes, but think it’s important for all the reasons the ‘bee’s above have mentioned. Also, I work at a cancer hospital as a lymphoma researcher, and have seen situations like this happen, when a parent is sick and decides not to tell their adult children (not small kids, different situation, I totally understand) and it usually it only results in hurt feelings, especially if a person was sick for a while and gets bad news, and THEN decides to tell their kids. I think if something happened to your mother in law, your Fiance would be devastated that no one told him what was going on. Sometimes it helps having another person involved in a situation too – maybe together you could all convince your Mother-In-Law to seek medical care or come up with some solution to the insurance issue. If she is really sick, you will all need each other’s support too.

If nothing else, definitely try and convince her to get a second opinion. You mention that she’s a nurse and knows what’s wrong with her, but we have had patients come to our hospital with lumps and bumps convinced they have lymphoma or something else and have turned out to have weird infections/illnesses that are totally treatable. I really really hope this is the case, and I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts! Sorry for the long reply!

Post # 14
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Honestly, I would tell your Fiance and talk to your Future Father-In-Law.  I don’t think that she is thinking rationally and she can’t make a life altering decision like that without her family, or at least her husband.

I am so very sorry for the situation you are in.  Not necessarily that she confided in you, but the ramifications to your FI’s happiness, etc when the rest of his family does find out how sick she is. 

Post # 15
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

First of all, I am so sorry you’re going through this and I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.  But she has put you in a terrible position and is asking you to do something that could potentially damage your new marriage–you need to go into it with complete honesty.  I think you should go to her, explain that she means a great deal to her and that you are worried for her health.  Tell her that you understand that she doesn’t want her son to find out before the wedding, but that you just can’t keep something like this from your soon-to-be husband.  Let her know that you will tell him, but that you think it would be best coming from her.  Tell her that you will support her and him in any way you can, but that you really feel strongly about this.  I just don’t really see another way.  I don’t think it is a good idea to tell him without talking to her first, so I think something like this is your best option.  Good luck.

Post # 16
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

I agree with the others who say you need to tell your Fiance. I think he’d be pretty devastated to know that both you and his mom were keeping such a big secret from him. Making sure you guys get off on the right foot for your marriage, which is a lifetime thing is more important than one day shadowed by secrets and worry.

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