- 4 years ago
I want to start off by saying that up until recently, I very much wanted to get engaged and I felt like I’d taken all the right steps. My boyfriend and I are both 24 and educated, we’ve been together for three years in a healthy, loving relationship, and are financially secure (he is a software engineer and I am finishing up my accounting degree). He is the nicest person I know, very handsome, and we have a very old-fashioned kind of love. To this day, three years later, he still opens my car door whether we’re going out to a nice restaurant or just at the gas station and I’m just crazy about him. He is truly everything that I want in a man.
Unfortunately, he’s also everything his mother wants in a man too. Her own husband, his father, travels often for work is away on business in China for weeks at a time some months. When he’s gone, my boyfriend becomes the center of her world and she goes into super-mom mode. I’m talking doing his laundry, folding his clothes, making him go get oil changes. Now this was okay when we were younger but he’s now 24 and working a big-boy job. He could pay her mortgage if he wanted to, he can certainly do his own laundry. He has a 19 year-old sister who she spends time with too but his sister doesn’t like to be babied and wasn’t her firstborn.
Now, I waited the first year to meet his family but for the last two years they have been great. His mom buys me presents every holiday, she invites me on family vacations and tells me how much I am like her and much she likes me. Though we don’t spend a lot of time one-on-one together, I try to incorporate family time as much as possible so she feels included. She has pushed a long time for him to stay at home and I won’t live with a man unless we’re married so it always made sense. Her husband is gone, I didn’t want her to get lonely, she likes him there, and I know he’s putting money aside to buy our first house.
About a month ago he talked about engagement with her and him and I began shopping around for rings. He said her initial reaction seemed happy and I was thrilled. The first time we went ring shopping I asked if she wanted to come along (I was trying to make her feel included). She declined, said it would make her feel old. When we went the second time, I didn’t mention we were going but he did before he left. When we got back, she fished for me to tell her. “What did you guys do today?” and I told her ring shopping and showed her a few rings I liked. She nodded at them unenthusiastically and went back to watching TV. Then later she talked to my boyfriend and asked how much he was spending on a ring. He told her three months salary and she said that was way too much, but he told her it’s not up to her. Most recently, a couple days ago, he came home from work and she told him, “I’ve thought about it and I think you should buy a Corvette or an Audi. You need a fun car now. After you get married, you won’t be able to do anything fun with your money anymore.” Now, I’m an accounting major, I am not cheap but I’m not an idiot and neither is he. He knows that being able to afford an Audi doesn’t mean you should go out and buy one. Mark Zuckerberg, the inventor of Facebook, is a millionaire and drives a Volkswagon for goodness sake. I’m worried she’s trying to get him to buy an expensive car so it’s harder for him to spend money on our engagement and first house, but I keep telling myself I’m probably just paranoid. Yesterday, his sister told us about a woman she knows who has a diamond guy up in New York who we can buy wholesale from. His mom suggested we all go to New York together to pick out a diamond and I thought it was a great idea and we can drive from NC (we’re visiting the Biltmore this December–highly recommend it at Christmastime, SUPER romantic) and meet up with them. She said, “Oh, goodness no! I meant next December. This December is too soon!” even though she knows we’re looking at rings.
Yesterday, before this happened, we were at a custom jeweler and he put a thousand down to hold a beautiful, almost two carat diamond. He seems ready to get engaged and wants me to pick a setting. I should feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have such a wonderful man want to marry me but if I’m being completely honest, I don’t feel excited to get engaged anymore. I always thought this time, these moments where you know you’re getting engaged but aren’t quite yet, would be so happy and exciting. I thought I’d feel like flying–and I did…at first. Until his mom started all this. I hate the idea of going forward with what would soon be an engagement if the other most important woman in his life is going to fight me tooth and nail on it. So what would you do? What do you think I should do?
I’m trying not to put my love in a situation where he feels it’s me or his mom (I don’t think that’s fair), but I think I’ve been a good girlfriend and future daughter-in-law during this relationship. I don’t think I should be robbed of enjoying these moments.
Should I tell him I don’t want to get engaged anymore, should I try talking to her, or should I just go ahead with the engagement and maybe she’ll lay off later?
Please help 🙁
Thanks in advance, I know this is long.
– The (Maybe) Future Mrs. Reign