(Closed) His mother is so controlling!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Im sorry but that boy needs to wake up at 9 am and do something with you on Saturdays. It seems to be the best time without him standing up to his parents. Also I would look at spending more time with the family so they respect your there to stay.

Post # 4
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  That is a tough situation to be in! I had a rough start with my FI’s mother. I was my FI’s first girlfriend, and she didn’t like him having one. She wasn’t used to sharing him with anyone, and, in retrospect, I think she was afraid he was going to lose focus on school. It was rough for the first few years. I always tried my best to be nice, and it was sometimes difficult. I ended up in tears a few times, and I eventually did talk with Fiance about it. He talked to his mom, and things improved. We aren’t shopping buddies, but we can have a conversation now and things go well.

  The best advice that I can give you is to always, always, always take the high road. You are absolutely right in not pressuring him to choose between you and his family, because at this stage in the game, the family will win. What about suggesting that you rotate weekends? One Saturday, he does family stuff, and the next one, he does things with you? I know you’ve said you’ve accompanied him on family things before…is that still an option? I know it seems incredibly boring, and it sucks to have to put yourself in that place. I remember dreading going over to his parents’ house. However, at least this way, it looks as though you’re making an effort (which, it sounds like you have in the past…this way, it still shows that you’re trying to make it work). If you try these things for awhile, and it still makes you feel bad, let your SO know. He is probably also caught in a tough spot, if his parents are truly holding the college/insurance/etc. over his head.

  Also, and I know you don’t want to come between him and his friends, but what about one Friday a month, or every other Friday, you guys do something special? Have you met his friends before? I don’t know if it’s a situation where it could be a group date, but that could be a possibility.

  I hope some of these suggestions helped. Hang in there…I know what it’s like!

Post # 5
Member
574 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@KoiBee:  How on earth do his parents have control over his GI Bill funds?  If he is old enough to be a veteran, he is certainly old enough to stand up to his parents for what is rightfully his.

He needs to move out, get a part time job in addition to school, and be an independent adult.  

Post # 8
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

Unless he takes a stand (which it sounds like he won’t) I would really take a hard look at this relationship. If you plan on having children, it can be hell with inlaws like that, sorry to say.

That mom is not very wise, I would never be that way with my son.

Post # 9
Member
574 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@KoiBee:  Gotcha.  Sorry, I missed the part about the job.  Anyway, even so, I do think it sounds like his parents are waaaay over controlling and the best solution sounds like him moving out would fix a lot.  I know that’s easier said than done, though, and it won’t happen tomorrow.

However, it really all comes down to what he wants and is willing to do.  If he sees the problem, wants to move out, wants to be on his own, then eventually, that will happen.  Treating grown children like that isn’t normal, but unfortunately, I think it comes down to him making the change and making it happen.

Be supportive, but continue to be honest with him about how the demands of his family affect you also.  You’re a part of his life, and he needs to know how you’re feeling when making his decisions!

Post # 11
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

I am confused….if he is trying to move out, is he going to lose everything?

Post # 13
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

Could he afford to rent a room, or even double up and share a room for rent?

Post # 15
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@KoiBee:  I am sorry to hear that :-(. He really is in a rough situation. Out of curiousity (and maybe I missed this in an earlier post), how many siblings does he have? Sometimes moms can be really weird with their sons.

It’s hard to bring up problems with your SO’s family. It takes incredibly careful wording. I used to practice what I was going to say in my head before I said it. I have a feeling your SO is probably also feeling frustrated with his mom, but until he doesn’t have to rely on her for things, he’s stuck. I wish I had a better answer for you on how to make this better!

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