(Closed) His mother seemed like she didn’t care…

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

@purple_orchids: If his mom is a bit off, maybe it is just her personality. Some mothers are like that (i.e. my mom is not the jump for joy type). If she says she is happy, then maybe you should just believe her and move on. Maybe she well become more excited when it actually happens, or when he buys the ring.. or during the wedding planning. There are so many other exciting times that lie ahead. 

Post # 5
71 posts
Worker bee

I agree with MrsNeutrino, maybe she really is happy and just doesn’t show it well.  I have also seen people with mothers that struggle with the fact that their children are growing up and don’t need them anymore.  I’m wondering if that is the case with her.

Post # 6
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m sorry that your SO didn’t get the reaction he was hoping for.  That sucks.

Like PPs have said, it’s possible that she’s not the “jump for joy” type…but it could also be that he hasn’t actually proposed yet…you know?  Some people don’t get excited until it’s actually happened…kind of like people being slow to get worked up over long engagements.  

If she has the same reaction when you guys actually actually get engaged, then I would be really hurt.  I would take that she’s pleased at face value for now.  

Congrats on your upcoming engagement!  It must be so awesome to know that it’s coming!  😀

Post # 7
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I can totally empathize. I have the same (but inverse) problem: my mom’s been quite emotionless about the wedding.  It’s really difficult for Fiance to take sometimes, because he (like you) wants out parents to be really happy for us.  But we’ve been engaged about 1/2 a year now, and everything is sort of settling in to place. Here are a few thoughts that might help:

1. Don’t take it personally.  Have you had a good relationship with her in the past?  She may just not really know you well enough to be excited for a new daughter-in-law.  With more frequent meetings, that’ll (hopefully) change with time.  

2. What is your BF’s current living situation? Is he a Mama’s-Boy?  While I’m sure she’s happy that her boy is settling down, she may feel sad/overwhelmed for several reasons.  A wedding (in her mind) may signify that:

– Your Boyfriend or Best Friend is truly and permanently out of the house (depending on what the current living situation is), and she’s sad that she’ll miss him.

– Your Boyfriend or Best Friend will visit less, because now he’ll have his own family to take care of. 

– Your Boyfriend or Best Friend is all grown up – and that’s a scary thought. 

3.  Is Boyfriend or Best Friend her first child to get married?  If so, it’s a sign that SHE is getting old!! She may not feel ready to have a married son… and *gasp* to be a grandmother!!  That’s definitely the line of thought my mom fell into (as well as most of the above) and it’s taken her some time to get used to the idea, but everything does settle down with time! 

I know that these thoughts don’t seem rational, and there’s certainly a chance that she’s not be feeling this way, I just wanted to give you some insight on what I’ve learned through my own experiences.  Also, please dont’ think that I’m suggesting that you intend on having kids anytime soon – it’s just society’s perception.  

One last point: keep in mind that not everyone gets excited about weddings the way brides do. When I start seriously planning the wedding, I have a feeling that my mom will be very ‘hands off’.  It’s not because she doesn’t care, or doesn’t support the marriage, but just because she has little interest in the whole wedding-planning thing.  Do I wish she was more into it?  Yeah of course, and it does sadden me sometimes.  But it does come with some excellent perks, like less meddling and arguments, because the decisions are all my own (and FI’s).  So keep your head up, and don’t let anyone’s negativity bring you down.  Goodluck!!! Oh, and sorry for the epic long post… 😉

Post # 8
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Some people just dont express things well she is prbably just one of those people. I wouldnt let that affect you.

Post # 9
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I can totally relate!  When Fiance called his mom to tell her the news of our engagement, the woman sobbed hysterically.  Not out of happiness either.  It was a totally inappropriate, unwelcome reaction.  It’s not like I’m a bad person (and we have a home together, I have a great job and awesome family, there’s really no worries here)!!  Totally put a damper on the happy time, especially for my poor fiance.  People react in weird ways. Easier said than done, but try not to let it affect you too much.

Post # 10
40 posts
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’ve had a similar experience with FI’s father (his mother has passed).  He’s pretty indifferent about the whole thing except it HAD to be Catholic.  Other than that, he hasn’t really gotten involved & hasn’t been too excited it seems like.  It doesn’t bother me too much, but it bothers Fiance some.

Post # 12
7387 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I don’t see the big deal. If she says she’s happy take it at that. Honestly, maybe its because in her mind, you guyes aren’t engaged yet “officially”, I mean wait until after  he actually proposes. Then if she’s still standoffish, let it ride. As long as she doesn’t try to butt into your relationship, I don’t see the issue.

Post # 13
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It’s annoying when people expect reactions. God, I hate that I’ve been accused time and time again that I’m not happy for the couple. Yes I’m glad, good for you! I’m just not the “OMGOMGOMG, I’m sooo happy” jumping up and down kind of girl. So becasue I don’t squeal and scream I’m not happy? Please…. perhaps his mother is the same way. She’s genueinly happy she just didn’t show it the way you expected. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

Post # 14
7387 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@vmec: ITA. I’m not the overly expressive type when it comes to certain news either. I know you want me to do cartwheels, but umm no.

Post # 16
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m in the same boat.. Future Mother-In-Law is very outgoing and will tell you exactly how she feels about just about anything, except our wedding.  She originally told fiance that she didn’t want to meddle or push us into anything so if we needed any help planning to just ask her. Ok awesome…well not so much.

When we do ask her opinion she doesn’t give much at all.  A few things really bother me though one being that her and Future Father-In-Law are not getting a hotel room for our wedding because she doesn’t drink and will just drive back home (45mins).  To us it’s not that she doesn’t drink that she can drive home it’s that it’s going to be a long day, she’ll be talking everyones ear off all day, all the photos, and it’s just tiring! 

Also they also have said we are giving you X amount of dollars for a gift if you want it now to pay for flowers, honeymoon, or just use it as a gift that’s fine.  They haven’t mentioned a rehersal dinner, we have casually brought it up but gotten no response. 

But the thing that really gets me is that she never ever wears makeup (has rosecea) and her hair is seriously from the 1980’s I’m talkikng short, middle part, with the side feathered bangs on each side.  She doesn’t go to the same hairdresser, or even on a regular basis, but yet she flat out refuses to pay for hair and makeup for the wedding day.  It’s only $120 total and she is fully capable of paying for it.  So now I’m in the position to say okay you can look like whatever or play the okay im getting your hair and makeup done as a parent gift . 

She has two sons and this will be her oldest getting married so I can’t compare it (her actions) to another wedding or anything. 

Sorry for the threadjacking  

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