(Closed) His parents are upset about our invitation wording

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think we are also going to put “Together with their parents”…the financial part is complicated and while both sets of parents are contributing something we will be paying for most of it ourselves. For us, if we were going to pick battles over something in the wedding, this wasn’t going to be it. I don’t want our families to get offended over the small things, and despite traditional etiquette I don’t really feel like every guest who receives an invitation needs to know the exact breakdown of financial contributions! Just my two cents.

Post # 18
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Our budget breakdown is very similar and it was really important to my parents they it was worded the traditional way so I hear ya on this one!  We used the exact same wording as you!  FI’s father (his parents are divorced and not remarried) is paying for the rehearsal dinner and drinks at the reception and he was fine being listed like that…..

I know some PP’s said to remove all the parents names but if it’s important to your parents that tradition is kept here then I would just go by the book and explain that to FI’s parents.  It’s so hard to make everyone happy in some of these details!!

Post # 19
Member
1223 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

It does suck, and if I were you, I’d be pissed, too!

First I would check if it’s a cultural difference – it’s been a while since I worked with South American brides, but that could be part of why they’re upset.

Honestly, many times the groom’s parents names aren’t even listed on the invite. 

It’s a crappy situation, but I would just have your Fiance explain that this is proper etiquette, and you’re sorry if they’re upset, but they will be printed as they are. 

Sorry there’s no easy win on this one for you!!!

Post # 20
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I would check to see what sort of wording is traditionally used in a German/Brazilian invitation to be sure everyone is on the same page re: what it means to host the wedding.

 

Post # 22
Member
3993 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Basically, you and your parents are in the right and I *personally* think your ILs need to just get over themselves. I think it’s sort of ridiculous. I wouldn’t want to offend my generously contributing family just to appease people that aren’t really doing anything. Tell them that the people paying for the wedding are the “hosts” aka your parents and that they’ve already been sent to the printer or whatever. (I, like Neva, have no problem saying something like that). They need to GROW UP. If this really upsets them….they can get out the checkbook? Wow I’m feeling harsh today. :/ lol

Post # 23
Member
641 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Oh my goodness, we had the exact same issue.  Except – my fiance sided with his parents.  His parents wanted it to be that both parents invited.  They knew they weren’t contributing as much as my parents but they thought “it would be nice gesture to have both.”  My parents were furious, thought the inlaws were unappreciative of the amount my parents were spending.  Both me and fiance sided with our own parents.  So it was a battle. After a lot of tears, fiance and I decided that we have to start working as our own family, not as son and daughter anymore.  So we started communicating more about our opinions and came to a decision.  Fortunately, at the same time, my mom called me and said that she would be the bigger person and be open to having both sets of parents on top for the sake of no hard feelings at the wedding and throughout our marriage.  She is such a wise lady.  We ended up having both parents on top, and my inlaws were grateful and so touched that we included them.  So i guess that’s better than the cattiness that could have happened if my parents left them off.

Post # 24
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@teaadntoast: I know that for the German speaking areas, it’s the bride and groom who invite.  And it’s pretty informal and can be as simple as “We are getting married!  Please celebrate with us on [date] at [location]…”

Sometimes, the couple adds a nice quote about love or something cutesy like “We don’t have to, we don’t need to, we just want to!”  or “after 2637 days of living in sin, we finally make it official!”

Post # 25
Member
5166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would just leave it the way there are. I dont think they have any reason to be upset.

Post # 26
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Since your parents aren’t paying for the entire wedding, you said you and Fiance are paying about 50% for things they feel are unnecessary, I would put together with their parents.  I think if your FI’s parents are that upset over it, I would try to work with them.  I can see how that wording can be offensive, even if it is traditional.  I personally don’t like it to look one sided, it’s no one’s business who paid for the wedding, and although FI’s parents can’t contribute financially, maybe they have helped in other ways, and their guests are being invited also, so I still think it should be both families and you inviting.

Personally, Fiance and myself, and my dad are paying for most of our wedding, but I still put together with their parents, and listed both parents names, because I felt it was the right thing to do.

This is one battle not worth fighting in my opinion, especially if it will cause hurt feelings.  It’s not being disrespectful to your parents since you are paying for parts of the wedding too.  FI’s parents feelings will be hurt more if you dont change it I think, rather than your parents if you change it.. if that makes sense.

Post # 27
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@AprilJo2011:  HAHAHA!  I kind of want to add that “living in sin” comment somewhere now…  not the invitations, but somewhere

Post # 28
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I have to agree with most posters, your fiance’s parents are wrong (and quite rude IMO). Your parents are paying for most of the wedding, they are the hosts.

 Tell them to suck it up.

Post # 31
Member
6980 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’d stick to your guns. Your parents are contributing and its nice to honor them in that way. We had the same situation (we paid half and my parents paid half of the wedding) and we didn’t have my husband’s parents’ names on the invitations at all. They (husband’s parents) did pay for the rehearsal dinner and at the dinner i did a thank-you to everyone for coming and specifically thanked them for hosting, so I feel that everyone was appropriately thanked for what they were doing. 

If his parents want to be thanked for hosting the wedding they’d need to… host the wedding. lol

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