(Closed) His parents are upset about our invitation wording

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 47
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

May be lame… but can you cheat and make some with 2 wordings (translated in all 3 languages)?  So it would be 2 versions of the invite- not one version in 3 wordings- which could get tricky with bi-langual guests.  Send the ones that Fiance family wants to them and the ones that your family wants to them, and call it a day?  No one is going to compare invites… may be a potential solution.  Just a thought.

Post # 48
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@diamondscan: i think as long as you make a difference between who is hosting (paying) and who is not you will end up in an argument with his parents. because this way they will always feel less important. on the other hand if you put both sets of parents on the same line… your parents may not be happy either.

i personally wouldn’t suggest doing something behind the back (send out 2 or 3 different invites) , because it will come out at one point.

if I need to make a hard wedding decision i always think: if you are old enough to get married… you are old enough to make a decision and stand up for it 🙂

good luck!!!

Post # 49
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@ItWasntMe: I’d leave them exactly as you have them. They’ll get over it. 😛

I totally agree. We had a similar problem, and Fiance said, “her parents are paying, so that’s how it’s worded.” end of story. Future Mother-In-Law was pissy for a little bit but got over it. You gotta stand up to them at some point! 😉

Post # 50
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I’m not sure if some said this but why don’t you change it for the other language invite but keep the English as is or make one special one for his side that shows his parents on top that way everyone’s happy

Post # 51
Member
833 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@diamondscan:  I didn’t mean that you should put everyone who supports you on the invite.  What I meant was that, in my case, for Fi & I, it didn’t matter whether or not we put his parents names or my parents name on the invite–what mattererd to us more is that both sets of our parents support our union (not finacially support, but support our love for one another).  So, that is why we put “Together with our parents” on our invites.  As for the issue you are dealing with, I feel that you/your parents/his parents are making this a bigger deal than it should be. Can’t both sets of parents name be on top, with your parents first, if they really feel they need to be acknolwedged for footing 1/2 your wedding?

Post # 53
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee

Every time I see one of these arguments over invitations, I wonder whether the people involved have ever issued a formal invitation before. I don’t entirely buy the “cultural differences” argument. This is how consular offices issue formal dinner invitations too, and the Brazilian and Swiss ambassadors never get huffy over the fact that some othe ambassador is doing the inviting. The host invites … period.

Of course, the host is NOT necessarily identified as the one who pays the most — those things are worked out in the budget department and aren’t part of the niceties of social life. The host is the person who takes responsibility for the comfort, feeding, shelter and entertainment of the guests. Your dress, the photographer, your flights really have nothing to do with hosting, so the fact that you are paying for these things doesn’t diminish your mother’s role as hostess one bit. The fact that you are second-guessing her decisions and overseeing the design of her invitations is actually more relevant — but it is appropriate for a daughter to help her mother with the details.

I suspect groom’s mothers for centuries have felt out of the limelight: I strongly suspect that’s why the rehearsal dinner was ever turned into a formal event: so that the groom’s mother can show off her sense of hospitality and style; and (if she really thinks they are doing things wrong) show up the bride’s family by doing things “as they should be done”.

By the way, I do have one quibble with your invitation. Why is it that your dad, you, and your fiance all get formal titles, but your mother and both your in-laws are addressed by their unvarnished given names? Traditionally, the bride is named only by her given names and everyone else gets their full business name with title, given name, and surname.

Post # 55
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I know it’s proper ettiquete and all to have the people hosting the reception at the top of the invite – but – I think it’s TACKY. There, I said it. When I receive invites like that it makes me cringe. I feel like it’s calling out the other family for not contributing. Personally – I’d rather not know.

Would they be happy with “Together with their families”?

Post # 56
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Same thing happened to me. Fiance is Italian, and here no matter who is paying, both sets of parents names go on top. It is just tradition. But I didnt want to upset my parents who are paying for most of the wedding. So I made two invitations!! It didnt cost me any extra, and everyone is happy! Do that, and trust me, it will make your life a lot easier! Better not to offend your future in-laws this early in the game!

Post # 57
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My parents are the only ones contributing/paying for the wedding, not my fiance’s.  BUT my parents still insisted that his parents be named as well as hosting.  My parents didn’t feel comfortable making it so obvious who is and isn’t paying.  It shouldn’t be about that.  And I am very proud/happy that my parents don’t want to make it about who is actually hosting!

Post # 58
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@JrzyGurl:  totally agree with you!  I am listing both parents at the top (like they are both hosting)

Post # 59
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee

@diamondscan:

@aspasia475: Hm, I never said I was second guessing what my mother wants to do for the invites. She has been more than happy for us to design them and write them, especially since she does not know either German or Portuguese. Going as far as to call them “her invitations” almost makes it sound like it’s my mother’s wedding and not mine and my FI’s. I’m not sure if you meant it that way, especially given how many brides and grooms these days pay for large portions or all of their own weddings.

Calling the invitations “her invitations” makes it sound as if she’s the hostess and it is her party — which is what the invitation-wording you are going with actually says. That’s what being a hostess means (it doesn’t, actually, mean “paying the bills”, since money is not supposed to be discussed or inferred or otherwise acknowledged in the social sphere). The traditional wording states (albeit misleadingly in the case of most modern weddings) that the Mother of the Bride is the hostess, and the Bride and groom are the guests of honour.

It is true that many — possibly most — brides nowadays host their own wedding receptions, and that is why the “Together with their parents /BRIDE and GROOM/ request the pleasure …” wording is so popular: It actually says what it means, that it’s the bride and groom’s party. If your mom isn’t going to be offended by that wording, and you really are acting as the hostess and it really is your party not hers, then perhaps you should go for that wording.

Post # 60
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Mine are going to say

[My parents names]

request the honour of your presence…

of their daughter

Becky N.

and

Christopher

son of

[his parents names]

 

My parents are paying for some, his parents are doing flowers, rehearsal and made wine with my mom.

 

Or you could do

Becky N and Chris C

and their families

request the honour of your presence…

 

I’m torn about what to do.  Fiance and I are paying for a lot, with our families’ help.  I like the idea of having parents’ names on there, but I hate implying who is paying more, etc…

Post # 61
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I almost feel like the traditional way (the way you used) is a way to honor the parents giving away the daughter. No matter who shells out the dough, it seems as though this is the wording that represents an old time tradition of the parents bestowing the groom with the bride. Let’s just say that you won an all inclusive wedding- would you have to put the awarding company’s name as the host?! At that point would it be okay to to use your parents as the host on the invite?! It’s so silly to get worked up over an invitation!!!
I just hope that my FIs family isn’t upset over the invitations that we had printed because we didn’t mention them any place on the invitation, so you are one up on me!
Good luck!

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