(Closed) His parents want to pick our officiant. Whose wedding is this?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

It’s your decision, have your Fiance tell them to butt out. My mom really wanted us to use the Rabbi who married them, but our wedding is already in their city (none of my FI’s family, or either of us live there), hosted by them, they’re married and FI’s parents aren’t, they’re Jewish and FI’s parents aren’t, etc. So it was really important to us not to use their officiant because it’s OUR wedding, not THEIRS! I very nicely explained this to my mom and she was understanding and we found a nondenominational officiant that we really liked and all is well. I wouldn’t stand up to them yourself since they’re your FI’s parents, but I would have him do it!

Post # 5
Member
5001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@mobiusbox:  Well, I’m only half Jewish and I’m not religious at all myself. My FI’s mother is pretty religious (Methodist) but he’s not religious at all either, so it made sense to us that we wanted a very non-religious ceremony. The Rabbi who married my parents was willing to do a nondenominational ceremony, but he’s still a Rabbi! My Fiance and I both wanted to pick our own officiant, so it was really only an issue between me and my mother, but not a big one. She was really understanding once I explained to her why we didn’t want to use the Rabbi. She’s really pushy and controlling, so I’m trying my best to make sure my wedding is what I want! Our wedding hasn’t happened yet, but we’ve already hired our officiant so the case is closed.

I agree, have your Fiance talk to his grandmothers. If he explains that you two aren’t religious and want the officiant to be someone special to you, I bet they will be on his side. I basically don’t deal with any of my in-law’s drama, I have my Fiance handle it. Maybe in 10 years I’ll feel differently, but as of right now I let him deal! His mother was like “oh…. you’re not getting married in a church??” (ours is outdoors too) and he was like “NOPE!” and that was that haha!

Post # 6
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@RunnerBride13:  +1 my mom did the EXACT same thing!  Now she’s on to asking if he’s going to break the glass?  Um, no! This is not a Jewish wedding (I wouldn’t mind but Fiance doesn’t want to so that’s fine by me since um hello he isn’t Jewish!)  We’ve got a Chuppah, Ketubah, a Unity Candle and a Reading from the Bible.  I think we can call it even on covering the religious bases! 

OP – This is one of the most important decisions and it should be what you guys want. I’m sorry but I don’t think any of his fathers excuses are remotely close to valid. This isn’t about what the grandmothers want, it’s about what you guys want!  Sure, my grandmother wanted me to marry a Jewish guy, and I’m sure his grandmother wanted him to marry a Catholic girl and have a church ceremony, but it’s not about them!

When my mom pulled that shit with us, I just quickly found a Justice of the Peace we liked, put a deposit down and called it a day so she couldn’t say anything else about it.  Your fi needs to stand up for what you BOTH want.  My parents are paying for the wedding, but the Justice of the Peace is the 1 and only thing we are paying for – because we want the ceremony to be about us and to be what we want it to be.  

I’ve been there with feeling you have to cave to who is paying, but stand your ground and pick the important battles so your wedding is still about you. Or else, you’ll end up regreting it!  Wedding planning with parents is a learning process, you’ll figure out how to get what you want out of it, I did! 😉

Post # 7
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

At some point, you just have to decide what things are super important, and what things aren’t…if this means a lot to you, tell your future in laws that Granny is just going to have to grin and bear a non-religious ceremony, which should be a cinch since it’s likely she also make it through the Dust Bowl, World War II and the 70’s just fine….if it’s just one of those things and you can let it go, do it, and save yourself the trouble…honestly, I cannot remember ONE thing that our officiant said, what he was wearing, or even the sound of his voice….I was just alone in a moment with Mr. 99 and we were holding hands, the guy said something about a row boat and what do you know?  We’re married!

 

Post # 8
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I agree with @Nona99: . The officiant and ceremony itself were hugely important to me. Writing my own ceremony was literally the very first wedding-related thing that I did. I had a first draft done before we booked a venue, got a photographer, etc. You can throw a huge party at any time, but it’s the ceremony that makes it a wedding.   So for ME, that part would never have been up for negotiation. Period.

That said, you need to decide how important this issue is to you. Is this a “hill to die on”? In other words, is it worth the potential disagreements and ill will that could follow if you two choose to stick with your original plan. If it’s worth that risk because it matters that much to you (plural “you”= you and your FI), then speak up. No one else will.

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