- 6 years ago
Hi bees, I tried to make a post yesterday, but I think it was too vague so I deleted it. There are a lot of things going on in my relationship that I would like advice about, but I’m going to stick to the most recent one for now. I’m in a long distance relationship (2 countries in Asia). Lately I keep feeling like a really low priority in his life, more like a hobby in his spare time. He tells me I’m the most important thing in the world to him, but his actions say differently. (The length got away from me… TL;DR at the bottom)
I know that in an LDR I can’t always be first right now. When I am visiting him, he does make me feel like the most important thing in the world to him. When we are apart, it feels like everything else comes first all the time. I’ve told him before (after a couple past arguments) that it’s super important for me to talk to him on the phone a few times a week, even if it’s only for a few minutes, and that I need to hear “I love you” often. He is usually pretty good about this, occasionally he needs a little reminder. It has been a week since either has happened. It has also been a week since he even said good night. We have had a few short exchanges over fb messenger (how we text), but nothing that would count as an actual conversation.
Last Tuesday, he told me (on the phone) that he was going on vacation with friends from Thursday to Sunday. Last Wednesday, he got home from work super late, told me he was too tired to talk, would talk to me tomorrow, and went to bed. I knew that “tomorrow” would not be true. I knew he would have little if any service on vacation and would be busy with friends. He actually came back Monday, worked late and went straight to bed. Today he worked then went to a friend’s birthday party.
There are several things that have been bothering me since then. The lack of talking on the phone and saying “I love you” is one. The “I’m too tired. I’m going to bed. I will talk to you tomorrow.” thing happens fairly often, if he even says anything at all. It stings even more when he says that before going on a trip or when we both know one or both of us will be/has been too busy for several days. I also don’t understand why he can’t call me for a few minutes before going to bed or going out with friends or step away for a few minutes. I’m not asking for a long conversation, which I have expressed before.
The other part bothering me is the trip itself. During my vacation in February, I visited him for 10 days. We planned to take a mini-vacay to an island. He changed the location twice. Each time I got a little less excited but told him and myself any of them would be great. Secretly, I had gotten extra excited about the first one, which he said would be too expensive (I was going to pay for hotel). We went to one close by and not too expensive. I suggested going on a Saturday, staying all day Sunday, and leave early Monday, but he thought Saturday night was enough (noon to noon basically). We ended up staying out all night with his friends the night before (which was fine, I had tons of fun too). We were both hungover and tired all day. We spent only about an hour on the beach after I dragged him out of bed. Then we left the next day. The beautiful and romantic island vacation I imagined turned into one hour on the beach. I convinced myself to see the silver lining and still felt good about the trip up until the past week.
Fast forward to this summer. He visited me in June, but we were already missing each other a lot by mid-July. I already planned to visit him during my long weekend in October. I will be there Thursday to Sunday, and he isn’t taking Friday off. I suggested me going there either in August when I had several days off or to meet in a middle city for the weekend in the beginning of September. He told me he would be visiting family that weekend in August. He had the weekend wrong, hopefully accidentally. It turned out the weekend I had free, he not only also had free but had a long weekend. We tried to work out a trip in September, but we decided that it would be too expensive, and we would tough it out until October. That “too expensive” weekend was this past one when he went on vacation with his friends. He says that his friend paid for the resort. I’m not sure who paid for meals/alcohol/flights/excursions. He took off 2.5 days from work and guess where they went? The same island as the original one he wanted to take me to in February that was “too expensive,” on the same weekend we were supposed to spend together in September, *and* he took days off to go. Ouch.
I will certainly be talking to him about all of this (and more), but I don’t want to start another fight over the phone and want to wait until I visit him. What should I say until then? How should I address these issues when I see him? Am I overreacting or overthinking?
TL;DR: Actions speak louder than words, and I really am not liking his actions right now. I know that in an LDR, I can’t always come first. Is it too much to ask for me to come first sometimes other than when we are visiting each other? I’m tired of his friends/work/family/himself constantly seeming more important to him than me.