(Closed) His priorities seem out of order. Very upset. Thoughts? Advice?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
134 posts
Blushing bee

He isn’t putting forth much effort into this relationship and I think you deserve better OP. Meet a local guy who can actually spend some time with you and make you a priority. 

Post # 3
47 posts

WOWwwwwwwwwwww ! That for sure stings.  Wait till you see him again, but I know Id never be able to hold that one in for a long time.  Yes, actions do speak louder than words.

Post # 4
1492 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

If this is just one of many things, you already know what the answer is. You are an afterthought. Are you always the one traveling to him? Does he ever come to you?

Post # 5
2202 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

From experience, LDRs take a lot of thoughtfulness and time on both sides. If he isn’t even doing the bare minumum, I would cut and run. It seems like he is a top priority for you, but he doesn’t reciprocate. I know how important those communication boundaries are, and he needs to try harder if you are going to be at ease.

Post # 6
4425 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Clearly he doesn’t care about you enough to even say a simple good night to you on the phone for a few mins before he goes go sleep.

I think it’s weird that you’ve gone for a week without talking! He seems to make you an option while you make him your priority. I also find it strange that he tells you he’s too tired to talk and then won’t call u the next day, to me this is a red flag. i def do not think you’re overreacting, if anything you’re under reacting! He is not doing his part in this LDR and if I were you I would be done. Sounds like a lot of unnecessary worrying on your part bc of the lack of communication with him! 

Post # 7
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Ouch.  Has this been a LDR from the start?  If so, it seems his effort isn’t there anymore.  If this is only temporary–it may just be a difficult time to get through.  When my fiance was gone for about 8 months across the country, some similar things happened.  I was really bothered and hurt and got tired of feeling like I wasn’t his priority even if I wasn’t there. I honestly have a lot of resentment still from that time, but I know some of it is on me and my perception.  And we had a couple years before the LDR part for me to fall back on and use as a foundation for not just walking away.  I’m not sure of your case.

Anyway, when I could stop bottling up my frustration inside and I was good about talking to him and saying I needed some of his time focused on me (and then sometimes just exploded about how I was feeling), he was responsive and tried to see things from my perspective.  But sometimes he was just oblivious and thoughtless–it wasn’t actually intentional or that I wasn’t important to him.  Again, the key is: is your SO listening and making changes?  If not, then you are no longer a priority and honestly, this will eat you up. 

Why be in a relationship where you’re more lonely than if you were single?  If he’s not making time to talk to you, there’s no relationship building going on.  If we hadn’t had a definite end date for our LDR stage and an engagement, I would not have stayed in my relationship.  But we had an end goal, and we both worked on understanding what was happening with the other.  That proved it was a relationship worth fighting through distance for. 

Maybe ask if he’d be open to an open relationship where you can still date others locally.  I suspect you’ll either find the answer to how he feels about you, you’ll get to date and have fun again, or you’ll have to explain that you don’t really want that but you need him to make you a priority.  Something will give.  You just have to be ready for what that change may be. 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by futuremsd1113.
Post # 8
8007 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sorry Bee, it doesn’t sound like a very balanced or rewarding relationship. Perhaps it’s time to set your sights closer to home? 

Post # 9
1992 posts
Buzzing bee

So he gets an on-call girlfriend he can interact with at his convenience and who can be easily manipulated into going along with whatever plans he feels like doing with no complaints or input. Like…what are you even getting out of this…

Post # 10
787 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t bother, time to move on I think

Post # 11
1186 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I hate when people tell people on here to leave their SO, but this guy doesnt seem into the relationship at all.. like at all. Im sorry youre going through this. I think its time to give him a wakeup call. you cant keep going on this way for ever, so he needs to give it his all or none at all.

Post # 12
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016 - 1950s themed bar

I met my Fiance the week before he was due to go travelling then home to Australia so our relationship started out LD. And I have to say my experience sounds opposite to yours. While my bf was in Norway, Italy, Germany staying in hostels, he was still able to at least fb message me almost everyday, email me and even call/skype. After he got home we would talk every night and I always felt like a priority to him. When he had boys nights or whatever else he always let me know. After normal life set in, we would still talk, if only briefly, every night, and we looked forward to our visits. We planned when he would move to NZ and had a good timeline worked out. 

Do you have a timeline? You really need to tell him these things you’re feeling, and make him help you understand why the island trip didn’t work out with you, but it did with friends. That is really unfair to you. Also, when you’re visiting, you should be top priority, not getting drunk with friends (although it’s great you had a good time, and it’s important to meet the friends). I wouldn’t be able to cope with the uncertainty you have and would probably break things off. I think LDR are only effective when you’re both on the same page and happy to OVER-communicate, and there needs to be an end in sight. 

Post # 13
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s not that his priorities are misplaced, but that they don’t align with your priorities. Your relationship is on life support at this time; you’re the only one keeping it from expiring. You could limp along for a while, but you’re essentially going it alone, and you’re going to rack up more disappointments along the way. He has checked out and no longer invests time or money in you. I’m sorry.

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