- 3 years ago
My husband has always had a lower sex drive than me. Obviously I decided that I can live with it, since I married him! But it did take me a long time to be okay with it. Just thought I’d share my experience a little.
Most of the mental struggle came from society’s expectation that men “always want it” and women always have to “fend him off.” I’ve been indoctrinated with this message ever since I was a little girl watching Everybody Loves Raymond. I learned to believe that if a man doesn’t want you all the time every time, there’s something wrong with him — or you — or the relationship.
And it didn’t help that my ex boyfriend before my husband really DID want sex all the time. So when I went from that to my husband, I got a man who was infinitely better in every piece of the relationship — except suddenly, I found myself being turned down for sex sometimes. That had simply never happened to me before, unless something was wrong. So naturally, I took it very personally and found it impossible not to get tearful and very upset every time I was “rejected.”
When we were dating, this ended up causing a lot of arguments, tears, guilt, frustration — and then sex overall became a negative “thing.” Luckily we were able to get past that. I eventually got out of my own head, stopped blaming myself, stopped comparing him to other men, and just accepted that this is who he is. I learned to appreciate him for who he is and what he CAN offer. We still had great intimacy, just not as frequently as I was used to.
I also had to get used to the fact that he is a “night time is for sleeping” kind of guy — when his head hits the pillow, he’s out. Whereas I’m more of a frisky night owl — when I crawl into bed, I’m ready to play! Again, this is something that I came to accept, instead of always fighting it. I simply learned that the best time for us to have sex is in the evening when we both get home, but before it gets too late. If I want to get in bed and play, I better get us to bed a little early, or try and kick things off after dinner. If it’s past 10pm on a work night, it usually just ain’t happening for him. My little old man! 😉
Now, it’s not like we NEVER have sex. If I let him initiate (which I usually do, since I still don’t exactly ENJOY being turned down and I’d rather just wait til he’s in the mood), we have sex about 1-2 times a week. If his drive matched mine, I’d say we’d be having sex more like 3-5 times a week.
Though to my own surprise, I’ve sort of gotten “used” to the lesser frequency after a while. It’s not like this is something that really eats at me or upsets me. It’s just a bit peculiar, I suppose. Took some adjusting.
I’m posting this because I always found it helpful to hear about other women in happy, successful relationships and marriages where the man’s sex drive just happens to be lower than the woman’s. Interested to hear if you can relate to this situation, how you adjusted, or what your experience is.