(Closed) His side has offered (long)

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow, how generous of your FI’s dad! But it’s good that you’re aware there are strings attached to taking his money. I do see it being a big problem is he enjoys drinking and you want to do a cash bar. I’m not sure what your reasons are behind that, but if he is willing to pay for it I don’t really see the issue with having an open bar. It’s not like anyone is going to be getting wasted, the bartenders will limit it, and in my area I know most wedding venues have a no-shots policy, that is something to consider too.

I think that the logical next step would be to tell FI’s dad that you really appreciate the offer, and you’d like to talk it over with him because there is a certain wedding vision you have and are trying to achieve, and you want to make sure that he is fine with it, because you don’t want to run into issues later on where he wants something different than you two, you want to try to make both you, your Fiance, and his dad happy since it is your wedding but he is hosting. Hopefully once you’ve had a conversation about it you can assess whether or not accepting his offer is a good idea.

Post # 5
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Although he’s said they’ll pay for the entire wedding, it’ll be better to figure out your budget  and guest list NOW. What happens when you want an intimate 50-person day, and Future Father-In-Law wants over 200 people?

There are too many posts on WB where the parent who’s paying for the wedding hijacks the day. Based on how you’ve described Future Father-In-Law, I worry this could happen to you and Fiance. Is this money a gift, or are there restrictions tied to it?

I like your FI’s idea about figuring our what your budget and then asking for a set amount, and also talking to Future Father-In-Law about your vision for the day. You might have to compromise your vision- open bar, guest list, if those items would keep Future Father-In-Law from contributing.

Post # 7
Member
827 posts
Busy bee

Take the money!

eta-you accidentally wrote “in your onion…” instead of “in your opinion…” and it’s making me giggle so much lol

Post # 8
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@BetterSherm:  Are you worried about people over drinking and causing a ruckus or are you worried about it because you think they will drink too much and drive home? If that is the issue then you could have the reception at a hotel.

Another option is we are having a morning ceremony and a fancy brunch reception. We will be having a bloody mary bar and mimosas so there will be drinking but people tend to drink less during the day.

Post # 9
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I say go ahead and take the money, but BEFORE you tell him that, talk about the vision you have and how that might be different from his vision and hash out those differences.  Be up front about how having the pruse strings can affect the planning and what role he expects to have since he has the purse strings.  Just phrase it as “I’ve heard so many stories about how huge conflicts develop when the parents pay for everything and I don’t want that to happen to us.  Let’s sketch this out and talk about what could happen before we get started so that we don’t have that problem; I value our relationship and want to keep it happy and joyful as we plan for this exciting day.”

Post # 10
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I would take it with the understanding that there will be strings attached and you may have to make compromises that don’t fit your vision.

Post # 12
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

@BetterSherm:  okay, sounds like you’re going about this the right way. I would still get ballparks, so you can tell FFIL- It looks like a ceremony will be $B, venue will be $X, catering $Y, floral/decorations $Z, invitations $D, etc., so the entire wedding should be approximately $XYZ. If your total is $20K, and he was expecting it to be $10, you can clear that up now.

Post # 15
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My dad decided to give money 8 months into the engagement, and my mom decided 10 months into the engagement. My mom was a complete surprise, because when I asked if she was thinking about it, she said she would not be giving anything. My dad would throw around numbers that made no sense, ranging from 1k to the cost of the whole wedding. So I understand the surprise at no one announcing their intentions as soon as you got engaged. But I think he just had to figure out what he could afford.

Anyways for the actual advice, I would sit down with him and your Fiance and give an estimate (I would over estimate by at least a little to provide breathing room) of the total cost of the wedding. Price out your dream wedding, and break it down by items as much as possible (DJ, flowers, venue, food, cake, alcohol, officiant, decor ect.). See if that scares/surprises Future Father-In-Law. He might not know what a wedding these days costs. And then figure out if he still wants to pay for everything or if he wants to just pick a few items and take care of those. Also like a PP asked, see if he has a vision, and find out if he has a few (or a lot) of guests he needs there to be willing to pay for the wedding. For example, my dad wanted his step-father’s kids and grandkids to be invited (only 8 people so not a big deal). But I wasn’t originally planning on having them come because my mom’s dad has remarried twice, so if I extended the invitation to step grandparent’s kids and grandkids that would have added 50-100 people (I actually don’t know how many there are, because I haven’t met most of them). Also, some strings might not be so bad. He might want something you want, that you thought you couldn’t afford, but now can.

Finally, I would set up a “payment plan”. For my parents, I asked them each (they are contributing independently of each other) to write me a check in time to write the venue a check. The venue wants 50% half way between the booking date and the wedding, and the other half a week before the wedding (I fudged the dates to give me room for things to mail). My Future In-Laws have created a bank account for the wedding. They are adding to it each month, and have given a “minimum contribution number” that they know they will reach, but they might give more. Fiance is supposed to ask for money when we need it. They have also called us a couple times to let us know they have added to the account, so we have a pretty good idea of whats available when. The parents are pretty much paying for the venue, and we are paying for everything else (just the way it worked out, they didn’t specify where the gifts went). So we now know that we need to budget for everything else we pick.

P.S. You don’t have to approach this the way I did, you might come up with something that works better for you.

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