(Closed) His sister and my ring.

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 32
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I personally would never alter an heirloom ring without full support from all important relatives – in this case you’ll fiance, his sister and their father. 

To me if you accept an heirloom, you accept responsibility for it and preserving the memory of the prior owner. You should keep it as is (or make non permanent changes) or look at getting a second engagement ring. 

I would react terribly if I was in your sil position. I’d feel like if you don’t like it why not let her gave it as it obviously  means more to her. It reminds me if that scene from 27 dresses, where the sister alters their mums dress. ” you’re not my sister you’re just some b***h who broke my heart and cut up my mother’s dress” or something along those lines. 

Post # 33
Member
5015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

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soulful1:  Can you share with us a photo of your actual ring?

Post # 34
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

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soulful1:  There is probably quite a bit of jealousy here. You have her mom’s ring, which woudl be very special to her. You have a promising relationship, while she had 2 failed marriages. I’m sure she loves her brother the way any sister does and thinks you are lucky to have him. She probably wishes she could be with someone as great as him. It’s common for sisters and sisters in law to butt heads I think. 

That being said, your fiance gave the ring to you, and if he’s ok with it, you should be able to make any changes you want. I would maybe consider talking to her first if you think it would help. Maybe something like, “I know how special this ring is because it was your mom’s, and I’m so honored to wear it. Knowing how special this is, I wanted to let you know that I am considering adding to it a bit as Fiance has encouraged, to make it even more special. One day I may pass it on to my daughter, who might also make some additions. I hope you understand.”

Post # 35
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I have an heirloom ring and I know FI’s mom and grandma were on the fence aboout giving it to Fiance to give to me.  Whenever Future Mother-In-Law mentions Grandma ___’s ring Future Father-In-Law immediately says no it’s ahe87’s ring, which I really appreciate.  I would never change the ring since I know it would cause unhapiness in the family, and that is something I accepted when I accepted the ring (FI offered to buy me one instead).  I’m thinking, and I’m sure this will apply to you too, that wearing the ring for a few years will really make it mine (or yours) in everyone’s minds and the associations with the previous owner will become weaker, so maybe making a change down the road a bit will be less emotial for SIL.

Post # 37
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

This is such a tough situation. You’ve received a lot of great advice already but I just thought I’d chime in. 

I would give her the ring. I know she’s a “drama queen” and she hasn’t been the nicest person, but if she was close with her mom, you might be giving her one of the greatest gifts she’ll ever receive if you give the ring to her. It might even change your relationship with your SIL into a better one if she sees how much you care.

On the other hand, the ring is yours. I know it would be difficult to give up, especially due to the sentimental value of it. 

Whatever you do, I hope you end up finding peace. Good luck. 

Post # 38
Member
4232 posts
Honey bee

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soulful1:  

I like your dainty stack pic. Is this similar to your current stack?

Also, as an FYI, please keep in mind that while this e-ring was your MIL’s it is now yours and represents the new romance journey. Your Father-In-Law held on to that for his son so to continue carrying the legacy of love for the “Mrs. So&Sos”. That ring represents your love now. You might plan an upgrade when you two gift it to your firstborn son for his Mrs..

Still, it’s your ring to alter or maintain as you see fit. Sure, it may likely seem more yours after more time, but if you do give it to your SIL now, to keep peace, you would have given her the piece of jewelry that became part of your journey. Since you mentioned feeling awkward about her attachment to her brother, I’d think that would be its own reason to keep it within your lineage. ?

Also, I re-read your earlier post and wonder now if I misread. She was given all of her mom’s jewelry save this e-ring? You have no other pieces? And SIL also has her own marital bling from her own relationships ? If so, just smile and nod anytime she says one word about your one piece of your late MIL’s jewelry. You are the keeper of this ring. Hold your head high.

Just some more of my musings, from a fellow Bee who has heirloom marital bling.

 

 

Post # 39
Member
2501 posts
Sugar bee

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soulful1:  so you have two camps of people here: those that say it’s your ring so do whatever you want, and those that say it’s an heirloom, so be respect of that and don’t change it. 

im in the latter camp (see my previous response). I think the issue here is that it feels very odd that YOU have the ring, and not the SIL. I get that it was given to your Fiance, but still, its not YOUR mothers ring (and not any old ring, mind you, but her engagement ring, which is of particular special value). I think my feelings regarding altering it would be very different if it was your mothers ring that you wanted to change. But it’s SOMEONE ELSE’S mom’s ring you want to change. And that feel very callous. 

I think you leave the ring as-is, or you give it to the sister. Your Fiance should not have given it to you with the idea of you altering it Without having discussed it with his sister first. These things are tricky.

Also, how you feel about your SIL should not play a role in your decision; it sounds kinda like you want to change the ring just to spite her, which is probably one of the meanest things I’ve read latley. 

Post # 41
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Ask their father what he would feel if you’d let her have the ring. Express your gratefulness for being given such a meaningful piece of jewellery, but tell him that you see that you having the ring is causing pain to his daughter and that you therefor wonder if he thinks it would be better if she got to keep it?

Post # 42
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 I can’t believe how many bees  think OP should just give the ring to the sister. It would be one thing to suggest that she not accept the ring, but now it’s hers. How would you feel giving up your ring I don’t feel Future Sister-In-Law has any more right to it than the OP. It’s an engagement ring. It makes perfect sense for it to be given to the mother’s son to propose to someone. On Future Sister-In-Law, it would end up as a RHR, more than likely. She has no claim on ALL their mothers jewelry. I do agree that it shouldn’t be altered without everyone’s approval though.

Post # 43
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee

I think if your Fiance is ok with altering the ring then it’s fine. Maybe ask your Father-In-Law, but I don’t think SIL has a place in thsi decision.

It was given to Fiance and not her (which had nothing to do with you), and I don’t think that SIL has more say in what can happen to it than Fiance does. It is not hers to control and I don’t think that she has any right to tell you what you can and can’t do with it. I would respect FIL’s wishes if he didn’t want you to alter it, but not SIL.

A ring guard is probably the best suggestion if you don’t want to rock the boat. However, you probably didn’t accept the ring with the stipulation that you never change it. With FI’s blessing, go for it. Letting SIL control things that relate to their mother is a very slippery slope I would not want to go down.  

Post # 44
Member
1907 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Because it’s a solitaire, you have a lot of flexibility that doesn’t require altering the ring. You could play with different stacking bands to change the look, wear a ring guard like bees have suggested, or an enhancer band. Here are a few different looks, the first gives the appearance that you actually do have accent diamonds next to the center stone, but it’s basically an overlay.

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