Post # 1
Let me just start off by saying that my father passes away unexpectantly 3 years ago. So as amazing and as happy as I was when Mr. J proposed, I was dreading planning my wedding and walking down the aisle without him being there.
Well Mr. J comes from a HUGE family. He has 4 siblings; all girls…let me repeat…ALL GIRLS! So I knew that joining the family would be hard but I had no idea that it would be this hard.
When we got engaged there was no question that I would have to have all his sister in the wedding. And I wanted to make sure that I had some of my friends and family in my wedding also. So after it was all said and done we had a wedding party of over 20 people. (9 bridesmaids and 10 groomsmen). At first everything was fine. Every one seemed excited, of course my friends and family were more excited then his were. Not because they weren’t happy we were getting married but because IM GETTING MARRIED!! Everyone should be excited.
So the $hit didn’t hit the fan until our first serious dress shopping experience. I had been planning this for almost 2 months. We had 4 appointments that day, each lasting 2 hours each I was going to try on dresses and so were they. I had planned a breakfast at my BFF house with mimosas and pancakes and the first appointment was going to be at 10:00. Long story short all my friends and family were there on time and as luck would have it I ended up falling in love with the last dress I tried on the first appointment. As were are trying on dresses, I couldn’t help but notice that none of his sisters were there. I checked my phone, no texted missed calls….nothing. I was crushed. So I made the best of it…and finally at 1:00 the walked in…with shopping bags, and the biggest smirks on their faces. I was so mad….beyond mad. Hurt…disappointed…but must of all done. I ended up cancelling the rest of the day and going home and crying to Mr. J. Thankfully he was so mad that he went over there screaming and yelling. He demanded that they call and apologize to me. Well I never got a single call…until tonight when I became so fed up I came home from work and told my FH that we were cutting the wedding party down and his sisters were out.
When he called them to tell them that they were out that immediately called me trying o explain thing s that had already happened, why they were late, why they hadn’t responded back to my sisters emails regarding my bridal shower, why they never call me, why they are excited about this wedding…etc. They had an excuse for everything and of course me being me ( very emotional) I cried, yelled, and finally gave in agreed to let them stay in the wedding. So now after the conversation is over…I’m sitting here thinking….did I make the right decision, did I do what was best for them or what was best for me? So tell me ladies…should I keep them in or kick them out?
Post # 3
Keep them in, its too late… But I never would have included them in the first place. In an ideal world, you would only inlclude those who are ABSOLUTELY closest to you that have already seen you through thick and thin and not have any obligatory bridesmaids. It seems the “obligatory” choices are always the ones causing the problems… Because when similar things happen but its from YOUR best friend, you know how to handle it, or you can sit back and say, “Well, she’s being herself again..” MUCH harder to do with people you hardly know.
Post # 4
the same thing happened to my friend, the sisters never got better they were no where to be found during the wedding. they were just evil. I have my BF’s 3 sisters in my wedding and told them right off the bat that if they acted like that they were out… so far so good with 2 months to go. Give them one more chance and as soon as they show that they dont care kick them out!
Post # 5
I honestly regret askign all of them to be in the wedding in the first place. i just didnt want to exclude anyone…because i feel like they always exclude me from things and i know how that feels. and i felt like if i included them that maybe it would help us become closer. but my choice is def bitting me in the ass. at this point i know that they know that i mean buisness… at this point im tired of being nice and accomadting everyone else and noone cares about me…its messed up.
Post # 6
WOW thats a lot of bridesmaids and groomsmen :O
I think that you will have to keep then in… i think it might make things worse if you go back and say “nah i dont actually want you in it”, just keep them in it but try not to let them worry you… just think of it as they are just coming to the wedding but they will be standing up the front with you… dont expect them to help with anything otherwise you might get upset if they fail to do something you ask.
I hope it does go well… just remember… its not about the day really… your marrying the man that you love, joining as one <3 thats all that counts. As much as everything is pretty thats the only things in the end that counts <3
Dont stress to much!
Post # 7
Um, I don’t think them showing up late is that big a deal. It’s inconsiderate and rude but not enough to start a war. Sisters are bitches, your the new girl and will probably be the odd man out, forever, They are going to take a long time to accept you, trust me. But by causing drama it will be worse in the end, specifically with your Future Mother-In-Law. Keep them at arms length. Tell them what kind of dress to wear and when to be somewhere and thats it. My Fiance has all brothers, but the SIL’s were just as bad. I made a huge deal out of things that I probably shouldn’t have and it ultimatley made things worse. Even things that were hurtful and horrible on their part. They probably didn’t think being late would be that big a deal since you had other family and friends there. These girls are going to be here forever and they will eventually come around. As crappy as it is your wedding isnt as big a deal to you as it is to other people. Don’t put your Fiance in the middle of it and just know how they are.
🙂 Don’t let them ruin your day.
Post # 8
@chadeedee: thank you your so right…. it has caused so much drama between him and i and i hate that. i actually told him that i only “tolerated” his family because i loved him. he got so mad!! but i was being honest. if i wasnt with him and het his sisters on the street…i would never…ever…ever be friends with them. i dont have friends that act like that!
Post # 9
as im not aware of the family dynamics im thinking you had eight hours (wow) booked to try on dresses – with ten other women so maybe they thought they would skip a few hours for some personal time and then join yoiu – which they did
now yes they were rude to not phone/text to say they were going to be late but i wouldnt start a war with all four (yikes FOUR) of my FI’s sisters over this – really, its a lot of drama being in the one place with ten women so even i (who hates letting people down) would be rolling my eyes at 8 hours of dress shopping with that many people
if i was you i would try to step back and let things cool down, try to reconnect with them on a polite non wedding basis and hope for the best – personally i think you should start stocking up on asprin and booze, a wedding party of 20 – wow. goodluck!!!
Post # 10
So do you think that i should invite them over for a lunch….or something. just me and them and sit down and talk. it doesnt sound bad..i just get over whelmed by them. i am a strong women but i hate to offend people. but i want them to make sure that they understand that this is my day and its not about them…..and most of all i want all the drama to stop. because i have wasted so much enegry on this issue..and they are ruining this experience for me…and its not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post # 11
If it took you kicking them out of the wedding for them to wake up, I think that is really telling. To me, they have shown that they are not in this for the right reason. I would kick them out, but I do understand being in a rough spot. Sometimes it is easier to suck it up and just let them stay in so you don’t cause issues in the future. They might hold it against you in the future. However, I don’t think they deserve to me in your wedding.
Post # 12
I would leave them in the wedding and just keep going forward. Keep w/ your planning, etc and don’t worry about it. They will eventually come around and share in the joy or just be participants. Nothing wrong w/ that.
Personally I wouldn’t have a separate sitdown because what will be gained. Just continue to invite them to all events besides just wedding events. Your going to be family now.
Here’s my story: I’m one of four sisters and 2 of us were BMs in one of my SIL wedding.(Other 2 were out of state.) I was the absentee Bridesmaid or Best Man until the day of the wedding.(Various reasons having nothing to do w/ my SIL.) My Mom and another sister, who was the other Bridesmaid or Best Man, were more involved. Now day of, I was everyone’s assistant. As well as all of my sisters.
Post # 13
Ugh. I’d be so tempted to keep them out of the wedding. I don’t think you’ll ever be happy with them standing up next to you. However, you might have to keep them in if you want to have a shot at a good relationship with his family 🙁
Post # 13
I wouldn’t have asked them in the first place unless I wanted to vs feeling obligated. I dont think any bride should do something because they feel like everyone else is expecting them to. Their behavoir is unnacceptable. I’m sure people will respect their wishes when it’s their turn (or if it happened already). I understand why you’d be upset and you should be. If they’re behavior continues I’d kick them out big time.
Post # 14
My future sister in law is an obligatory bridesmaid, I wanted to avoid my fiance’s side of the family gossiping about a possible scandal as to why she wasn’t in the wedding party. She was almost out though. I’ve tried really hard for 6 years to have a really good close relationship with her and her parents, but it seems that in recent times she must have become too comfortable with me because she stopped trying to impress me and started treating me the way she treats my fiance and her parents…like crap! She really is a grown up version of a spoiled little kid who throws massive tantrums, never thinks she is to blame for anything, and LOVES drama.
At any rate, I almost kicked her out of the party at one point, after I had asked my sister to be the matron of honor and her to be the maid of honor. we had been close for a while and i thought i should have both my old sister and my new one honored. BIG mistake. She threw a tantrum that her brother wouldn’t pay for her oil filter and then fix her car..she was too stubborn to pay for her own oil filter and when her parents wouldnt either she just BLEW UP and that combined with my fiance’s critisism of her stealing $800 from her parents and me mistakenly trying to get involved….and deleted us off her facebook friends list (dont laugh, her LIFE is facebook so that means something significant to her 20-year-old self) And now a few months later she wrote me a letter basically saying nothing was her fault but she’s ready to stop fighting and make up so thats that…and things have just been uncomfortable for me since because i not only have never been treated so disrespectful in my life by anyone, but i find the type of person she is to be disgusting. Too many disgusting attributes in one girl. I wish i didnt have to know her. I am a really kind good natured person so it just really appals me. So yea, hang in there, i think its common for sister-in-laws to be monstors and we just gotta deal…
Post # 15
You can’t kick them out because they didn’t show up or were late for wedding dress shopping, bridesmaids aren’t even required to come dress shopping. Don’t you think it would of been much better for you to not act bothered at all by it, so they would get absolutely no reaction from you? But instead you cancelled your day, fiance screamed, you cried and yelled, and they were able to cause a ton of drama. Why give them that power? Allowing their lateness/rudeness to disrupt so much just doesn’t make sense. Ignore them, and be cordial when you are around them. If you don’t want them as BMs anyways then it shouldn’t matter if they’re helping with the shower, shopping, etc. Spare yourself the drama and just lower your expectations, if they show up on the wedding day in the right dress you’re good to go.
That said, I think you did the right thing by keeping them in. They really haven’t done anything to ruin your wedding, they’re just not as involved in the pre-wedding activities as you would like them to be. But kicking them out definitely has the potential to make things bad and awkward on the wedding day, so yes you did the right thing! But if you spent 2 months planning your dress shopping appointment, it sounds like you have very high expectations of exactly how you want everything to go, so just as a warning I would try to work on that, because on the wedding day at least a few things will go wrong. So now is the time to work on not getting so worked up when these sort of things happen.