His views on our Future?

posted 1 year ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Hun take what he says at face value, he said he doesn’t think marriage kids etc are meant to happen for him. That’s your answer. Anything else is getting caught up in the moment, realistically he’s thought about it, considered it and that’s his answer he doesn’t want marriage or kids

Post # 3
Member
559 posts
Busy bee

If he TELLS you that he isn’t sure and doesn’t know and doesn’t see that for him, listen to him. He is telling you who he is so please pay attention. He is someone who agrees with your ideas on marriage UNTIL you move in with him and then he tells you what he really thinks in hopes that now you’re too invested to leave. 

If marriage is important to you, I’m gonna go ahead and tell you now that I honestly don’t think you’re going to get there with him. 

Post # 4
Member
1907 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Listen to his words. He doesn’t want marriage or kids. You have moved your life to his town and home. Since he may now not want what you do, you might want to reevaluate your choices before you invest more in y’alls future.

Post # 5
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

If I read correctly OPs Boyfriend or Best Friend wants those things .. its just “when” isin question. 

My ex and I had this issue (kind of) he wanted kids at 30 for him (i was 2 years older) and I was cool with that coz I didnt feel ready for kids at all and  wanted us to both be stable in life first. But his mother got in his head that I was older and would wan them earlier and he freaked out thinking that meant marriage etc asap. Again none of this was said by me but at motocross o was cooing over the little kids and he just ‘read the signs’. He basically was having some kind of age crisis and then hated the seriousness of the relationship because of his impending sense of doom. 

anyhoo we broke up for various reasons (and now i know I wont have kids lol) but I see alot of guys in that age bracket make 30 a big deadline and start panicking about it 5 years early. 

He may just need reminding that a propsal now does not bring the other timelinea forward. 

Also mid 20s some get an itch to not be settled down. All this weird crisis thoughts can impact anyone. 

My only advice is to reiterate the timeline. He still loves you and wants to look at engagement rings Bee but he may be stressing over life itself as well… (I could be wrong but sounds so much like my ex)

Post # 6
Member
2737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

This is the part that gets me:

He says that he always believed he would know when he was meant to move in together, get married, have kids… But now he’s grown up he just isn’t sure when those things are meant to happen?!

To me this isn’t just saying I need more time to save, get a better job, etc. To me he is wondering if he even wants to get married and have children. Bee, I would really ask what he meant by this. If that’s the case it sounds like you want different things. 

Post # 7
Member
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Sorry, Bee.

I think you’re fooling yourself if you ignore what he told you (i.e., that he’s unsure when he’ll want marriage and kids, and doesn’t feel ready) and focus on the fact that he was willing to browse jewelry with you. The fact that he looked at engagement rings and listened to your taste only means that he was willing to humor you, or (best case scenario) that he was interested in your taste since he thinks that someday, maybe, possibly, in some far-distant future, he might be ready to consider marrying you.

But he’s told you flat-out that he is not yet ready for marriage. If you’re wanting marriage and kids in the next 5 years, I think this is not the right guy for you.

Post # 8
Member
364 posts
Helper bee

msloubee56 :  You have to set your standards. For example I made it clear I wasnt going to play wife, combine the finances, or have kids before there were two rings on my finger. My boyfriend knew i was serious only when i stuck to it. I apologize if i offend anybody on here because i know plenty of happily married couples live together before marriage but when you play wife what makes you think he would be in a rush to propose? You seem perfectly content in giving him what he wants why mix things up? 

 

Next, you need to set a timeline. Instead of waiting around and lightly bringing up the subject in between Netflix binges, you need to make “marriage timeline” a main discussion. You have power if you let yourself. You dont want to pay half his rent, wash his dishes while waiting around for the next 4 years for a ring? Then dont. When would you like to be married and how long are you willing to stretch it out to compromise? If you want to be married next year and he wants to be married in 3 years then marrying in 2 years would be a good compromise.

 

The moral of the story: communicate, communicate, communicate. And start setting some type of standard. If he cant even give you a timeline or says he’ll “know when he knows,” that’s your cue to pack up and move on.

Post # 9
Member
10083 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He told you he isn’t ready and that he isn’t interested. That’s the truth. 

 

Post # 10
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee

The thing is… he WILL “just know” once he’s with the right person. He’s just not getting that feeling with YOU. 

It sounds like he got caught up in the honeymoon phase, planning and picture-painting with you.

Now, reality has set in, and he’s not feeling like he wants to marry you anymore. 

He loves you, he likes having you around and living with him for the time being, but he’s not convinved you’re The One. So he’s putting you off, making excuses, trying to get you to stop pressuring him, but also keep you around because you’re fun and he cares about you.

So it’s really up to you. If you REALLY want your first kid by 30, you’ve got 5 years. You could spend another 6-12 months with this guy and see where it goes and still have time to find someone after it finally ends. It’s only been 2 years, and you guys are young, so I would probably give it another few months. But don’t deceive yourself that he’s on the fence. He currently does NOT want to marry you. There’s a small chance he’ll change his mind, but I wouldn’t count on it. 

Post # 11
Member
1319 posts
Bumble bee

Men will certainly “rush in” and propose when you’re playing wife–IF they want to marry you and ARE READY FOR MARRIAGE IN GENERAL. I played wife for a very short time before my husband proposed, and it was because he wanted to get married to me.

But we’re in our late 30s, OP. You’re much younger, and I know very few guys (I don’t even call them men) who were interested in marriage in their mid 20s. He’s not ready. He might not ever be ready with YOU, but right now he’s not ready for marriage at all. He’s young, so, again, I’m not surprised. But you have to decide if you want to wait for him to potentially be ready much later or move on and find someone whose timeline better corresponds with your own. Whatever you do, don’t cling to silly things like having the same taste in diamond rings, because that doesn’t mean anything. 

Post # 12
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Almost two years in your mid-twenties isn’t really that long. You still have plenty of time to get engaged, married, and have a child on the way by the time you’re 30. I would try to stop worrying about it for another year or two.

Post # 13
Member
2035 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I met my husband at 26 and was married with our first baby by 31, so not too far off your timeline. I wouldn’t stress about the timing so much as I often think that our arbitrary timelines can get in the way of the truth. Sadly, I would tend to agree with PPs that he simply doesn’t want to marry YOU. If he was with the right person, he would know he wanted to marry them and have children with them (if these are things he truly desires). Move on 🙁

Post # 14
Member
1753 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Sorry bee.  The fact that he doesn’t know if or when he wants to get married but is allowing you to move in with him so you two could “play house” spells trouble down the road should you continue this relationship.  What you don’t see is he’s setting up his life so he’s comfortable.  If you’re there and playing the wife role there’s no incentive to actually make you his wife.  He’s not thinking about how this affects you, he just is hoping the setup is sweet enough that you’ll forget all about that marriage & kids thing. 

Yeah people can totally delude themselves that way.  You may have expressed your desire for marriage & children but you haven’t made it clear whether or not this was a deal breaker. Is it bee? 

You should not be moving in until you are clear about whether marriage is on the table or not and then you and he need to come to an agreement on when or if that will happen as well as the consequences for a broken agreement.  To be clear, its within his right to NOT want marriage however, it is not right to expect you to wait until HE is ready to make the decision.

Post # 15
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Definitely don’t keep bringing up marriage and kids in the hope he will come around. If those things are truly important to you, then you need to think about moving on. He might not be at a point in life where he is ready, but he’s been with you long enough to know whether or not he wants to be your husband. You’re young, but don’t wait forever. If and when walk, he might change his mind. Or he might before then. Hope isn’t totally lost but just make sure you don’t settle for less than what you want and deserve.

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