His younger brother is getting engaged before us…

posted 5 months ago in Engagement
Post # 61
Member
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

catqueen92 :  It’s not stupid. It’s a very valid concern. I don’t know if this is the right thing to say or not, but I will say I had a friend in a very similar situation to you who felt her boyfriend was dragging his feet about proposing. When she learned her little brother was about to propose to his girlfriend, she became extremely upset and frustrated. Her boyfriend DID end up proposing (and before her brother) and honestly she seems really happy now. But I’m sure there was some underlying hurt feelings. It’s hard to predict how you’re going to feel because I’ve seen it go many ways. Only you in your heart truly know.

Post # 62
Member
1831 posts
Buzzing bee

catqueen92 :  I understand that, and i don’t think any of us have any real answers because every relationship is different. 

It reminds me of that movie the break up where Jennifer Anistons character tells vince vhaun that, “she wants him to want to do the dishes” We all want the guy to do things because he wants to be doing them. In my current relationship I can tell you that I went through that on a smaller scale. My boyfriend isn’t as big on physical affection as I am. For a few months I just sulked quietly about the fact that he rarely cuddled with me. He finally noticed and asked me what was wrong. We spoke about it and I expressed to him my concern that if I had to ask for a cuddle that ruined it because I wanted him to naturally be affectionate without my asking. He understood and from then on he started cuddling me without me asking him, it is now a routine and now he often asks me for a cuddle. Yes I had to ask for it, but now i don’t even think about it, or waste time worrying that he didn’t want to do it and i forced him. The fact that he wanted to make me happy because he loves me, outweighed the fact that he wasn’t a natural cuddler. So the end result was the same. He cuddles me, I know he is doing it because he loves me, and i am happy. 

SO, Think about this similarly. I know it sucks, i know it is beginning to taint the engagement. Only you can gague when you get to the point where the taint is a permanent stain. For me personally i realized that I made myself clear to my boyfriend that I wanted to be engaged by June. He agreed. So my choice is to let him be until June. Or I can try to keep talking about it with him, then feel like by doing that I am guiding him towards doing it, thereby ruining it because I know i will then feel like I had to make it happen. So probably your best bet is to let your boyfriend know you expect a proposal by X month and that you trust he will do what he needs to to make that happen. Then in your mind just know that if you get to that month you will walk away if it doesn’t happen. I think that is all you can do. 

Post # 63
Member
3294 posts
Sugar bee

I’d be surprised if you didn’t feel the emotions you’re experincing right now. Don’t be apologetic, it’s clear you’re not upset at the brother. 

But….and you knew there would be a but…..you’re giving your SO plenty of room to waffle around and delay and he’s taken advantage of it. After 2 years of living together at his age he should know where he stands, and diiscussing marriage should not be difficult at all. He’s anxious you say. Do you get anxious about doung something you really want to do? I don’t. I look forward to it. I do get anxious about doing something I feel I should do, but don’t want to. And yes, it’s possible that your SO will propose in the future after you’ve leaned on him. I am much older and of all the marriages I have known that began this way, none have lasted. None. There is always some residual resentment that lingers and poisons the relationship.

So I understand that you don’t want to leave him, but sometimes after you get what you want, you realize that you’re still not content. You need to leave the brother out of the equation and tell him point blank that you need to be engaged now, he’s had enough time to get his shit together. If he says anything other than “you’re right, let’s get engaged”, that is your cue to really realize that he does not want to marry you, no matter what loving meaningless words he comes up with. You’re 27 and stalled because of his anxiety, which I’m not convinced is truly anxiety. If he says you can’t get engaged because his brother is getting engaged, that’s another big, honking clue that he doesn’tnwant to marry you. Please don’t let him slide with any excuses or feelings of “oh it’s too much, I just can’t do it yet” bs.

Be smart. This is your life too. 

Post # 64
Member
479 posts
Helper bee

catqueen92 :  Ah yes he was. Blinded by stupid love. But I learned a lot and am in a better place now.

You may not need to do anything rash, but maybe even just be observant of your SO and how he reacts. Ya know? Like does he show genuine excitement for them or is he kind of off? I’m sure he knows that you are thinking about your own relationship and want to be engaged. Also, observe his brother’s relationship and how he is with his gf. See how they interact and don’t necessarily compare, but see how you are in yours. Ya know? Like are you happy and are you satisfied with your relationship (the waiting part aside). Is this relationship fulfilling you? Are you getting everythign you want (again, waiting part aside).

It worries me a bit that you are starting to think that being engaged may not be happy or exciting for you anymore because of what you have been through. Well, like you said, many couples dont’ get to the bottom of things of what’s wrong or admit they need to change or work on things. Could this be hindering your happiness?

I’m so glad you have made progress with your issues and I know anxiety is a hard thing to deal with and affects everyone differently. It’s great you have been working on things.

But – just start making mental notes or even make a classic list of things you like don’t like about where you are at. You can do this bee. You can be strong and you can enjoy this weekend!

Post # 67
Member
2310 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

catqueen92 :  I totally get the need to vent. I’ve never been in your situation, but I think anybody who is waiting for a proposal would just naturally get kind of sad when someone else gets engaged. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It’s just natural and it’s okay to feel the way you do. 

I re-read two of your old waiting posts and it sounds like things were not going well. But then your Boyfriend or Best Friend and you sat down and realized there were some kinks to work out in order to move forward. It sounds like those issues have gotten better? It’s been super recent so I would honestly want some time to pass to make sure the changes you put into place are still working smoothly. 

In regards to your ages and such: Your bf’s brother is young but if they’ve been together for almost 10 years, it’s understandable why they got engaged. It’s not like they were only together for 2 seconds. 

And ordinarily, in your situation with being together for 6 yrs and being in your late 20s, I woudl say he needs to shit or get off the pot. But because you’ve had some bumps in your relationship, I think it would be smart to wait a few more months before getting engaged. 

I strongly disagree with the PP that say you need to put some pressure on your Boyfriend or Best Friend. IMO, that’s never a good angle. And you’ve recently been through a lot. I would suggest to not bring up engagements, rings, etc. for a few months and then have a calm, collected conversation about your future. 

Post # 68
Member
313 posts
Helper bee

Hopefully seeing his brother jump into marriage will make your bf less scared to do so. Try to show your bf that you are happy for them and stay strong.. he already knows how much this has hurt you.. don’t keep beating him up over the situation. Hopefully he’ll make this right by you sooner than later. 

Post # 70
Member
3294 posts
Sugar bee

catqueen92 :  Don’t be afraid of me lol! Seriously, my friend is a therapist and she says she comes to me when she needs advice. I don’t sugarcoat, but I am never, ever mean or have the intent to harm. To provoke thought is my aim.

I’m glad you laid it out for him. Sometimes it takes an ecternal event to get people to take action in their own lives and that very well may happen here. . As for your friend’s comment, never mind what anyone says about your walk date. They’re not in your shoes. I’m going to cross my fingers for you because I think there’s hope in this situation.

Post # 71
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

catqueen92 :  I understand why your upset. You seem realistic about it and keep saying you are, but there are parts of your posts that just seem out of touch with what is really happening. I understand that them getting engaged is triggering and you are any other time a normal person who would be happy for them.

I don’t know how to tell you to proceed, this relationship is not the same as mine. I had a bit of a waiting game myself. My now husbands mother is a classic narcissist. She was in his ear about asking me to marry him before we finished school. He was the scapegoat of his family and he still managed to propose to me because that’s where we were in our relationship and what would make me happy. He was overwhelmed and anxious, it’s a normal feeling and something what I think everyone feels at some point in this decision process…. but it shouldn’t stop him. That’s the part I’m hung up on. If he wanted to do it, he would. You need to get the bottom of his reasons for stalling so you can decide how to proceed and stop being powerless.

Post # 73
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: Chesapeake, VA

I am so sorry! 🙁 I will pray for you! 

Post # 74
Member
2310 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

catqueen92 :  Yes I totally agree. “Some time” to me means a few months. Not a year lol. Also as long as you’re planning to get married in a year or so, you will have plenty of time during the engagement period as well.

Post # 75
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: By the lake

catqueen92 :  If you want to be “truly engaged” to your boyfriend, then why not ask him to marry you?  There is nothing wrong with that.  If it will make you feel better, ask him before his brother ask his girlfriend this weekend.  Honestly, I think you’re being childish.  Does it matter who gets asked first?  Maybe your boyfriend is not ready to propose to you.  Or maybe he has a different plan for you guys.   How long have you guys been dating?  I hope you feel better by complaining and venting out here.  Good luck with your situation.  

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