His younger brother is getting engaged before us…

posted 10 months ago in Engagement
Post # 94
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

catqueen92 :  you are extremely defensive and emotional. I never said you were the problem. However, there is a problem. And you refuse to take anyone’s advice… so maybe the problem does lie within you. I just want you to be happy. You don’t seem very happy. You don’t have to take my advice. 

Post # 96
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry you feel bad and sad. Your emotions are your own and no one should be judging your emotions.  There is nothing wrong with being upset, sad or even jealous. Yes his brother can do what he wants but you can still feel sad. Hopefully you will have your moment soon. 

Post # 98
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

So I haven’t read this whole thread, but I can sympathize a fun weekend is now going to be dominated the brothers engagement and since that’s a sensitive topic in your relationship.  That totally stinks.  But your happy with you man and try to focus on that. Your right time will probably come in time.  Hopefully your boyfriend will take note and move things along. Be determined to be happy for them and enjoy your relationship in its current stage.  Good luck bee!

Post # 99
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Have a conversation with your boyfriend and explain how upset you are and why you feel that way. Set a timeline, and stick to it. You DO have control over this, this is your life too. I can understand wanting him to propose, but you have a right to a say in your own future. 

6 years is a long time. He’s had time to save for a ring, process his feelings/anxiety, etc. 

Post # 100
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee

It’s ok to complain…I know it stings.  My younger sister got engaged, got married, and had kids before I even got engaged!  She’s not that much younger than me, so of course, family and friends looked at me and wondered why I wasn’t getting married yet.  So yah, she did everything before me, but you can’t control these things and it’s not like they needed to let me know it was coming or anything.  I was happy for her.  And then one day, it did happen for me too and it was my turn to celebrate that glorious time in my life. So it will happen for you too if it’s meant to be.  It just might not happen in the order that you wish or hoped for.  Perhaps his brother being engaged will generate some conversations between the two of them about marriage and the brother encouraging your boyfriend to move forward with you. You should definitely have that conversation with him too.

Post # 101
Member
4187 posts
Honey bee

twentytwentybride :  And people think *I’m* harsh?? There is absolutely nothing childish about what the OP posted or what she’s feeling. As for the simple “why don’t you propose to him?”, anyone with half a brain would see that is not a viable alternative. 

Post # 102
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I can understand why you are upset and you are totally entitled to feel what you feel.  I think you’ll find the weekend won’t be as bad as you are expecting.  Once you are over this initial shock, I think you’ll be fine. 

This is a long thread, but I think I read that your bf is also upset that his brother is proposing before him.  That seems surprising since your bf doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to get engaged.  Why is he upset? 

Post # 103
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee

catqueen92 :  You can absolutely feel any way that you want to feel. I understand your being upset, and I think it’s great to reach out and talk about it. 

3 weeks ago you posted that you both hadn’t been in love for a long time, and that you aren’t really intimate. A lack of physical intimacy often makes the other person feel unattractive, depressed, resentful, and unloved. I would absolutely not marry anyone who did this to me. That being said, I think the reason it progressed to that on your end is completely understandable, because you are dealing with some health issues. He has been by your side through it all, which does say something about him. And best of all, you both discussed this and are making steps to change it. That to me is more indicative of a positive outcome than anything. That is what a real relationship is – identifying problems, having difficult conversations, and working to change. Despite how it may seem, I have personally have a very good impression of you. You have shown yourself to be articulate about what you want, and self-reflective. That’s really hard for a lot of people, especially women. You are owning the feelings that you have, and that’s not easy. 

I’m not suggesting you leave your boyfriend. I am, however, pointing out that you say you are struggling with some anxiety and emotional issues, and I can see it from the way you are posting. I’m trying to gently suggest that while I think it’s amazing that you and your boyfriend had a serious talk and you came to some conclusions about the state of your relationship and its emotional health, it doesn’t seem like those issues are resolved yet in you. There hasn’t been enough time, and you may want to look into working with a therapist for your anxiety if you aren’t already, or your doctor if medication isn’t working well, though I freely admit I don’t know much about that and maybe you already are. 

I think you might be getting hung up on the 6 years part, because why else would you be pushing for engagement with someone you have emotional and physical issues with? I can understand that too if it is the case, but remember that emotional health of your relationship is more important than the years you have been together. Waiting 6 months or a year working on your relationship together will make you both more suited for marriage than many other people, and I have the feeling that when your relationship is stronger, your boyfriend will want to propose to you and you will both be happier and more excited about it than if he did it now.

Post # 104
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I think the bees are being really hard on you. I’ve been following your story and it sounds like you decided to put engagement on the back burner for now while you worked out some differences with your boyfriend.

Then along comes his brother getting engaged…although you knew it wasn’t coming for you right away, it’s still disappointing, because now someone else is getting something you wanted and thought you’d have by now. Even though you decided to put it off, that was done more out of necessity than what you really wanted.

That’s not that hard to understand. I wouldn’t go on the weekend if I were you.

Post # 105
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee

So I know you’re just venting and not looking for advice…but maybe this is an idea: since he feels awful about not having proposed and knows you’re upset and you need to see some action from him, tell him that if he wants to make it up to you he should take you ring shopping.

This could be a great opportunity for looking at rings together (idk if you know if he has one or not) but if he has anxiety and is overwhelmed, then taking this step together could get him moving in the right direction and could alleviate some of your frustration seeing him take action. And it could help him see that it’s not as overwhelming and scary as he is perceiving it

I think you should also move the timeline up by several months. I think venting on here is good, but you won’t truly feel better until you see action. And maybe if you have a date next week to look at rings, you won’t feel so upset this weekend! If he truly feels sorry for putting you through this, I think he would feel better making you happy in this way. Good luck!

catqueen92 :  

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