His younger brother is getting engaged before us…

posted 10 months ago in Engagement
Post # 106
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

catqueen92 :  i get you posted this to vent and this situation is fresh, but you’re being defensive (why get defensive?). I’ve been with my SO for 8yrs (and had a history before that) and you don’t know the reasons why we are not engaged. So yes take a breather, and no I’m not being harsh. You just don’t want to hear it. I don’t see anyone being harsh, its just a tender subject for you. You say you’re happy in your relationship, but you’re clearly coming off as an unhappy person. Like I said, I’ve been with my SO for a while and I’ve seen plenty of others get engaged first. I understand. 

Post # 107
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

blushingbee2019 :  “When a guy wants to marry you, he will move mountains to do so, not keep on with the stalling techniques.”

 

This.

Post # 108
Member
1973 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

catqueen92 :  So sorry about this! I know some are suggesting you skip the weekend, but I wouldn’t. An engagement is exciting, but it’ll be a blip on the trip. There will be the moment, the discussion of plans, the sharing of the ring, but there’s only so many times people can say, “Congratulations!” before it gets old. The excitement will die down. Your boyfriend’s brother and his girlfriend will be super excited the entire weekend, yes, but everyone else will likely move on to other activities. I mean, if you absolutely think it will tear you apart and ruin any fun you may have, then skip it, but otherwise it’s good that you go so you can spend time with your possible-future-in-laws. Plus, after he proposes, the girlfriend may put two and two together and suspect that’s why you skipped the vacation. 

Post # 109
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You have your reasons for staying, and I won’t fault you for them. But if this doesn’t prompt him to take some action within say, the next year, I would be leaving. Anxiety doesn’t have to cripple two people’s lives.

Post # 111
Member
3796 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

catqueen92 :  Ugh bee, this totally sucks. I can absolutely understand feeling this way. My brother is 4 years younger, met his now-wife when I had been with my then-BF for 3 years and waiting for an engagement. 1 year later, brother proposed and 3 months later they were married. It was tough to watch. But I kept it between me & my then-bf because that was our crap, not someone else’s. I give you serious props for keeping your composure to everyone outside your relationship. You’ve also handled yourself very maturely in this thread when criticized. I havent read any of your previous threads but it sounds like the work you’ve been doing on yourself has really paid off! Give yourself some freedom to feel your feelings and work through it. Try to focus on the positives and know that good things are coming your way! Hugs to you!

Post # 112
Member
3533 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I couldn’t be bothered to read through 8 pages of replies and updates, so sorry if any of this is not relevant because of that.

My initial thought is this – you don’t get to choose which emotions hit you when they hit you. It’s pretty clear from your post that you don’t want to be feeling the way you do and that you are fully aware of the fact that these feelings are about your Boyfriend or Best Friend and relationship, not about his brother or his soon-to-be-fiance.

So what do you do about it?

First, remind yourself as much as you need to that their relationship has no bearing on your own and that they are entitled to moving forward with their relationship at the pace and within the timeline they have chosen. And put the old adage “fake it til you make it” into practice. The rational part of you knows that it isn’t fair to bring negativity into their joyous occasion. It sucks and you can’t help the way you feel, but you CAN control how you respond to those feelings and how far you allow them to direct your actions and attitudes towards others. Practice makes perfect, so get on it.

Second, you need to have an honest dialog with yourself about your relationship and whether continuing with it in the manner you have is really the best thing for you. There is a lot of bitterness and resentment in your post and it’s worth asking the question of at what point has that gone too far to be saved? I’m not judging you or saying that the bitterness is wrong. It’s not. You have every right to be bitter. You just don’t have the right to make that bitterness/resentment anyone else’s problem but your boyfriend’s. 

I see it a lot on these boards where women have become so resentful while waiting that you wonder how can their relationship possibly bounce back from that if and when a proposal ever does finally happen? Again, I’m not trying to be cruel or judgmental, but I would suggest that you ask yourself honestly, if he finally proposed tomorrow, would the bitterness just fade away? Or has your trust in him, your sense of value to him, your confidence in the foundations of your relationship been so tarnished by his lack of action to move forward that a layer of resentment will always be present?

Post # 113
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I was the younger brother’s girlfriend in your situation.  A few differences though.   His older brother had been dating a woman for 5 years who had been complaining about getting married but he said enough to make her believe it would happen.  I was dating the younger brother for 3 years when he asked. I know the girlfriend was upset and I felt bad for her but she handled it nicely and helped with my engagement party.

However,by my wedding date they had broken up.  She was tired of waiting, he realized he didn’t really want to marry her.  He contacted an ex-girlfriend who said she wouldn’t dream of dating him unless he lived near her, he moved across the country, brought her to my wedding and as I predicted they were engaged within 6 months.  The ex-girlfriend got married and had 2 beautiful children within 5 years of my wedding date.

The real reason most men don’t ask yet is because they don’t want to. Yours could be the exception, I wish you happiness and I’m positive you will find it if you insist on dating people who prove they value you

Post # 114
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

Oh man. I have nothing helpful to say, except: ouch, that would have me crying. Flat out, close-all-the-doors-and-eat-all-the-chocolate crying. 

And I’m so sorry. That sucks. 

The one thing that helped me in a sorrrrta similar situation was realizing that her man was right for her and I would never have chosen him (“settled for him” was the not so nice way I put it to myself, while we’re being brutally honest)

and that I loved my man, and we took longer for good reasons – at least, I was sure they were good reasons because he’s an honorable man and I trust him. 

 

So. If you know you have the best man for you, maybe once you see how what they have is totally not something you’d want, mayyyybe things will feel better. 

 

But I’m commiserating with you on the “ouch” of it all. I’m sorry. 

🙁 

Post # 116
Member
6831 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

catqueen92 :  I’m glad the weekend went well. Your feelings are your feelings and I do understand. I remember when my good friend got engaged before me, I was super excited for her, but also bummed because I had been waiting too.

However, just 3 weeks ago you said that you and your SO both came to the realization that you hadn’t been in love with each other for a long time. That’s big. And yet now 3 weeks later you’re still itching for a proposal? You two obviously need more time than a few weeks to reconnect and make your relationship strong again. If I realized I wasn’t truly in love with my bf, the last thing on my mind would be marriage. It would be repairing the relationship. So I think you should ask yourself why you really want to be engaged NOW. Is it simply because you’ve been together so long? 

Post # 118
Member
6831 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

catqueen92 :  There’s no need to be so defensive. I did say I understood your feelings in my first paragraph but it seems all you read was the possible negative aspect of my comment. I get that this weekend threw you for an unexpected loop, but I think you’re kidding yourself when you say you weren’t expecting a proposal NOW. All we have to go on are words you’ve posted. Of course it doesn’t paint a totally complete picture but it’s what you’ve chosen to put out there. 

Post # 119
Member
3533 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

catqueen92 :  sounds like you handled it very maturely 🙂 

Well done. 

You are a prime example of “you can’t control your feelings, but you can control how you respond to them.” 

Post # 120
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2019

catqueen92 :  this happened to me in a previous relationship. Ultimately it came down to me and my ex being two completely diffent places in life so i ended it. It was the best decision of my life and now I’m engaged to the man of my dreams and my ex is still single to this day 😂. A conversation about getting married to my fiancé was never hard or stressful. We were always on the same page and he was like I want you to be my wife by the end of the year, I can’t wait any longer. Being with the right person and never having to question the status of your relationship is the best feeling ever. I hope you can find your eventual happiness, just know feelings like this don’t last forever if you don’t let them!

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