Post # 106
catqueen92 : i get you posted this to vent and this situation is fresh, but you’re being defensive (why get defensive?). I’ve been with my SO for 8yrs (and had a history before that) and you don’t know the reasons why we are not engaged. So yes take a breather, and no I’m not being harsh. You just don’t want to hear it. I don’t see anyone being harsh, its just a tender subject for you. You say you’re happy in your relationship, but you’re clearly coming off as an unhappy person. Like I said, I’ve been with my SO for a while and I’ve seen plenty of others get engaged first. I understand.
Post # 107
blushingbee2019 : “When a guy wants to marry you, he will move mountains to do so, not keep on with the stalling techniques.”
Post # 108
catqueen92 : So sorry about this! I know some are suggesting you skip the weekend, but I wouldn’t. An engagement is exciting, but it’ll be a blip on the trip. There will be the moment, the discussion of plans, the sharing of the ring, but there’s only so many times people can say, “Congratulations!” before it gets old. The excitement will die down. Your boyfriend’s brother and his girlfriend will be super excited the entire weekend, yes, but everyone else will likely move on to other activities. I mean, if you absolutely think it will tear you apart and ruin any fun you may have, then skip it, but otherwise it’s good that you go so you can spend time with your possible-future-in-laws. Plus, after he proposes, the girlfriend may put two and two together and suspect that’s why you skipped the vacation.
Post # 109
You have your reasons for staying, and I won’t fault you for them. But if this doesn’t prompt him to take some action within say, the next year, I would be leaving. Anxiety doesn’t have to cripple two people’s lives.
Post # 110
knotyet : absolutely agree which is why I would never skip it despite how I’m feeling. I would never want to put any sort of damper on this moment for them. The gf would be devastated if she knew I was upset as she is a very kind and caring girl. I want her (and him) to be happy and it’s obviously not my place or interruption to disrupt that.
Post # 111
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
catqueen92 : Ugh bee, this totally sucks. I can absolutely understand feeling this way. My brother is 4 years younger, met his now-wife when I had been with my then-BF for 3 years and waiting for an engagement. 1 year later, brother proposed and 3 months later they were married. It was tough to watch. But I kept it between me & my then-bf because that was our crap, not someone else’s. I give you serious props for keeping your composure to everyone outside your relationship. You’ve also handled yourself very maturely in this thread when criticized. I havent read any of your previous threads but it sounds like the work you’ve been doing on yourself has really paid off! Give yourself some freedom to feel your feelings and work through it. Try to focus on the positives and know that good things are coming your way! Hugs to you!
Post # 112
I couldn’t be bothered to read through 8 pages of replies and updates, so sorry if any of this is not relevant because of that.
My initial thought is this – you don’t get to choose which emotions hit you when they hit you. It’s pretty clear from your post that you don’t want to be feeling the way you do and that you are fully aware of the fact that these feelings are about your Boyfriend or Best Friend and relationship, not about his brother or his soon-to-be-fiance.
So what do you do about it?
First, remind yourself as much as you need to that their relationship has no bearing on your own and that they are entitled to moving forward with their relationship at the pace and within the timeline they have chosen. And put the old adage “fake it til you make it” into practice. The rational part of you knows that it isn’t fair to bring negativity into their joyous occasion. It sucks and you can’t help the way you feel, but you CAN control how you respond to those feelings and how far you allow them to direct your actions and attitudes towards others. Practice makes perfect, so get on it.
Second, you need to have an honest dialog with yourself about your relationship and whether continuing with it in the manner you have is really the best thing for you. There is a lot of bitterness and resentment in your post and it’s worth asking the question of at what point has that gone too far to be saved? I’m not judging you or saying that the bitterness is wrong. It’s not. You have every right to be bitter. You just don’t have the right to make that bitterness/resentment anyone else’s problem but your boyfriend’s.
I see it a lot on these boards where women have become so resentful while waiting that you wonder how can their relationship possibly bounce back from that if and when a proposal ever does finally happen? Again, I’m not trying to be cruel or judgmental, but I would suggest that you ask yourself honestly, if he finally proposed tomorrow, would the bitterness just fade away? Or has your trust in him, your sense of value to him, your confidence in the foundations of your relationship been so tarnished by his lack of action to move forward that a layer of resentment will always be present?
Post # 113
I was the younger brother’s girlfriend in your situation. A few differences though. His older brother had been dating a woman for 5 years who had been complaining about getting married but he said enough to make her believe it would happen. I was dating the younger brother for 3 years when he asked. I know the girlfriend was upset and I felt bad for her but she handled it nicely and helped with my engagement party.
However,by my wedding date they had broken up. She was tired of waiting, he realized he didn’t really want to marry her. He contacted an ex-girlfriend who said she wouldn’t dream of dating him unless he lived near her, he moved across the country, brought her to my wedding and as I predicted they were engaged within 6 months. The ex-girlfriend got married and had 2 beautiful children within 5 years of my wedding date.
The real reason most men don’t ask yet is because they don’t want to. Yours could be the exception, I wish you happiness and I’m positive you will find it if you insist on dating people who prove they value you
Post # 114
- Wedding: June 2019 - City, State
Oh man. I have nothing helpful to say, except: ouch, that would have me crying. Flat out, close-all-the-doors-and-eat-all-the-chocolate crying.
And I’m so sorry. That sucks.
The one thing that helped me in a sorrrrta similar situation was realizing that her man was right for her and I would never have chosen him (“settled for him” was the not so nice way I put it to myself, while we’re being brutally honest)
and that I loved my man, and we took longer for good reasons – at least, I was sure they were good reasons because he’s an honorable man and I trust him.
So. If you know you have the best man for you, maybe once you see how what they have is totally not something you’d want, mayyyybe things will feel better.
But I’m commiserating with you on the “ouch” of it all. I’m sorry.
Post # 115
If anyone cares: I went and did survive. (Lol) it was all Good Friday night and Saturday morning- dude proposed mid morning today in private and we met them after- I was fine gave hugs congrats etc but definitely was feeling really awkward. They had time alone and I got upset only internally just had a lot of thoughts and jealously honestly but I didn’t let anything show things improved as the day went on. I made it a point to have a few moments with both of them and tell them how happy I was. I went out of my way to take photos of the two of them a little, everyone was but I got a few shots she loved, and made sure there was one of both families all together (so everyone but me) because that’s something I would have wanted to have. I gushed about the ring with her (it’s seriously beautiful) and wedding plans etc.
I’m still sad and jealous and wishing it was me but I’m also genuinely excited and happy for them so my feelings will only dissipate
Both my SO mom and dad acknowledged how I might be feeling (dad quickly while his mom has a conversation with me). Mom said I was being a good sport and no one could tell (when I asked) I was anything but happy. It was the first really candid conversation I’ve had with her so that was actually something gained by this whole experience.
Post # 116
catqueen92 : I’m glad the weekend went well. Your feelings are your feelings and I do understand. I remember when my good friend got engaged before me, I was super excited for her, but also bummed because I had been waiting too.
However, just 3 weeks ago you said that you and your SO both came to the realization that you hadn’t been in love with each other for a long time. That’s big. And yet now 3 weeks later you’re still itching for a proposal? You two obviously need more time than a few weeks to reconnect and make your relationship strong again. If I realized I wasn’t truly in love with my bf, the last thing on my mind would be marriage. It would be repairing the relationship. So I think you should ask yourself why you really want to be engaged NOW. Is it simply because you’ve been together so long?
Post # 117
llevinso : I never expected to be engaged this soon after our realization- Should it really be expected that I am not upset by seeing someone else get what my SO and I are working towards? A few other bees have noted that I am hanging onto the 6 years fact- I’m sorry, but just because we’ve had a rough couple of months doesn’t mean our relationship is not worthy of a genuinely quick turn around and impending engagement. Absolutely, being together 6 years is a huge factor in why I want to be engaged. But, so is the fact that I love this man and we are good, supportive partners who are able to communicate and grow/develop. There’s far more to our relationship than what I’ve said. Hell yeah I’m itching for a proposal, but we were never going to be engaged right this very second. I’m hoping for a month or two from right now and I don’t think that’s unrealistic. Our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been and no one can judge that strength of it especially based off our previous issues. I totally understand your POV- oh this girl was having huge issues now she wanna a ring after putting a band aid on it- it’s not at all as such. I think the biggest thing I want to convey is I am not saying I wish it was us instead of them THIS weekend.
Post # 118
catqueen92 : There’s no need to be so defensive. I did say I understood your feelings in my first paragraph but it seems all you read was the possible negative aspect of my comment. I get that this weekend threw you for an unexpected loop, but I think you’re kidding yourself when you say you weren’t expecting a proposal NOW. All we have to go on are words you’ve posted. Of course it doesn’t paint a totally complete picture but it’s what you’ve chosen to put out there.
Post # 119
catqueen92 : sounds like you handled it very maturely 🙂
You are a prime example of “you can’t control your feelings, but you can control how you respond to them.”
Post # 120
catqueen92 : this happened to me in a previous relationship. Ultimately it came down to me and my ex being two completely diffent places in life so i ended it. It was the best decision of my life and now I’m engaged to the man of my dreams and my ex is still single to this day 😂. A conversation about getting married to my fiancé was never hard or stressful. We were always on the same page and he was like I want you to be my wife by the end of the year, I can’t wait any longer. Being with the right person and never having to question the status of your relationship is the best feeling ever. I hope you can find your eventual happiness, just know feelings like this don’t last forever if you don’t let them!