Post # 1
Hi Ladies! I’ve never posted on this board but sometimes you just gotta vent and get things off your chest.
I have this best friend who I have been friends with for 15 years so very long time. In that time we were always close up until about 2 years ago. Things changed when I first got engaged. She wasn’t really all that excited about it when I told her FH was giving me hints – I kind of got a sense of jealousy in a way and as a BFF it shouldn’t be that way. When I told her I was officially engaged all I got was a hug and a very weak congratulations because she was so focused on planning her other friends birthday party. We did hang out after I got engaged to talk about it but she didn’t really seem all that interested and this is someone who I had wanted in my wedding as my Maid/Matron of Honor because as kids we always said we would be each others Maid/Matron of Honor.
Me and FH had actually broken up so our engagement was called off but we sorted things out and decided that this is what we really both want and worked it out. Come to find out from a mutual friend that “some people apparently don’t agree with the decisions that I made about my relationship” and those some people can really only be her and her other friends since they are the common factor between me and mutual friend. Our relationship is definitely not what it used to be….everytime I do come around her and her friends do nothing but talk about work as they all work at the same job except for me and the conversations are just awkward now a days….Things these days just really seem to be about her….She always says I need to come around more often but why would I when I constantly just always feel left out and I’m not the type of person who will confront you I’m very passive agressive so I usually just walk away. That’s just me.
So previously my wedding was canceled but me and FH just recently re-booked so I’m looking at this as us starting all over…..I’m wondering if I should ask the girls all over again since we moved our wedding to a new year and new date and I’m wondering if I should even include her now? I know she would be really upset if I don’t include her because she was upset when her other friend didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid right away. It just sucks that it’s 15 years of a friendship but I guess people really do grow apart. I’ve grown apart from friends before and it wasn’t a big deal but I guess it’s the 15 years that is getting to me
Post # 3
@sinfulli2sweet: Honestly, I wouldn’t make her your Maid/Matron of Honor. It sounds like your lives and priorities have gone separate ways. That’s completely normal and okay, and it’s great that you still feel a bond with her. However, this situation has a high potential for drama, and that’s just not what you need when planning your wedding. I would ask your girls all over again to start anew with the whole process, and I would pick someone more like-minded and supportive to be your Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 4
Maid/Matron of Honor is huge, Your going to have to live with those wedding photos and your choice of who stands next to you and your Fiance on your big day (as your extra support) for the rest of your life. I really wouldnt want stress of her emotions and drama on top of your day. You want to enjoy it, anyone negative against it shouldnt even be invited in my opinion
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
s difficult but it looks like you are at crossroads. Do you want this person who youve grown apart from and cannot seem to support you around? 15 years is a long time which makes it really hard. Maybe invite her out to lunch and not talk about your wedding to see how things go? If it is much the same it may be time to let go …
I would not invite her to be Maid/Matron of Honor though. You definitely need someone who can be supportive. However, why is it she doesn’t like the relationship?
Post # 6
@sinfulli2sweet: this is a difficult situation. To me, there are 2 parts to it.
1) you feel like your relationship has changed and you have nothing in common. This happens. It is shit as you’ve been besties for 15 years. Sometimes you gotta just leave it and move on.
2) you feel she is making comments about your relationship behind your back. You don’t know this for sure. if it wasn’t her that was making comments about your relationship would change the fact that you feel you have grown apart? Would your friendship be better? If yes, I would speak to her about it and it might save your friendship. If no, then you need to just gradually grow away from her. Can I ask how old you are? Is it a we have been friends since 5 yo and are now 20, or friends since 15 and now 30?
Post # 7
@sinfulli2sweet: Friends definitely do tend to grow apart as they have different life changes. I would try to spend some one on one time with her so you can get her away from the other friends who work with her, and see how she acts. Maybe she feels like she doesn’t have much in common with you and that’s why you felt isolated around those girls in the past. But with a one on one meetup she would be forced to talk to you. I know what you mean about being passive aggressive, because I tend to be that way too, but you don’t want to be that way when it comes to people who may be your bridesmaids. It’s best to just be frank…in a tactful way of course.
Post # 8
I can honestly say I am in a very similar situation relationship wise… However only TWO out of 4 of my BMs are the same. The ones that had a problem with the decisions i made in my life and my relationship were sent packing. I chose to surround myself with people who embrace my relationship and my marriage for who we are now and not who we were or what we’ve been through. Our junk is our junk just like theirs is theirs if they can’t be accepting of that then so be it… I lost a lot of friends in the process people who ive been close with for 20 years and because they dont approve then i dont feel like i need the negativity…weddings are supposed to be a celebration and im not walking on eggshells for ANYONE!! Good luck!!
Post # 9
I am in a similar situation. My best friend and I have been friends for 15 years and have grown apart over the last two years as well, she became distant from me when I became pregnant with my daughter. It was really strange, we still talk mainly via text as opposed to talking everyday on the phone. Now, that we have made the decision to start planning our wedding I haven’t even told her. We kind of just decided we wanted to get married on our anniversary next year so it wasn’t a big proposal or engagement announcement and at this point only a few close friends and family know but not my best friend seems strange right. And at this point I don’t know that I even want to include her in my wedding. I know how you feel when someone you always thought would be there standing with you is now barely a consideration. I’m torn myself but the best advice I can give you is pray about it and follow your heart, that’s what I’m trying to do. Good Luck and Congratulations.
Post # 10
Thanks ladies!!!! I’m glad I’m not the only one in this kind of situation right now….me and FH just re-booked our venue and I haven’t said a thing to her. She still thought I was getting married this year even though I told her a few times that we changed it to next year so I guess she wasn’t really paying attention to me. Not once has she really offered any help especially since she thought my wedding was still year. The other girls I asked previously the first thing they said to me was if you need any help just let me know.
@Hismoon – Yeah after a while I kind of figured she wouldn’t be my Maid/Matron of Honor but then just a bridesmaid but as time goes on I’m moving more away from that as well and just have her as a guest at the wedding. I will say our lives have gone in separate directions. I was dating FH for a year when he proposed and she has been with her boyfriend for 7 years and he has yet to pop the question mainly because he wasn’t working and they were living with her parents. I’m starting to plan a wedding and her and her boyfriend are just now getting their lives together finally. Luckily I had my sister as my matron of honor so she will just be the only one.
@laceydoilies – Yeah I’m definitely at a crossroads these days. I’ve pretty much always been there for her and for her to not really be that supportive of when I first got engaged really threw me off. I was expecting lots of congrats and excitement and offering of help and I never got that from her so it kinda hurt. The thing is when we are around each other I don’t even talk about my wedding because I’m honestly not the type of person to talk “wedding” all the time unless someone specifically asks me about it and when she does ask me about it it’s usually the very last thing and we will talk about it for like 15 minutes and she will move on to something else. I’m guessing she’s not fond of my relationship due to everything me and FH have been through that’s the only thing I can think of. But like I said we have worked through every issue we have had and are in a very good place right now.
@Emmzy – Yeah I don’t really know for sure that she is making comments but I just kind of see how she is with other friends. Her other friend that is getting married she was so pissed that she didn’t get asked to be a bridesmaid right away and literally started talking about her in not a good way at all. So then it kind of makes me think “wow! what do you say about me to other people” especially since this girl is supposed to be one of her best friends as well. The thing is I kinda knew this is how she was but then again I never thought she would be that way towards me. Even if it wasn’t her making comments I don’t think it would change anything because I was already feeling this way before I knew of that. I will be 29 next month and we are both that age.
@Galang – I have honestly tried to spend one on one time with her many times now and it’s just always never that way. When I invited her to the movies i thought it would just be me and her and instead she invited her other friend, her brother, and her boyfriend. Then when I was going through stuff with FH which she knew I wanted to talk to her about she invited her mom and her moms friend to join us. And when I did finally get to talk she was basically just passing out on me – kinda rude since I am never that way with her. And I tried again but then she invited our other mutual friend and literally all they did was talk about work while I sat there quietly. And just recently she invited me over so I could see her new place which was fine and all except the conversation was mostly about her new place and what they are doing and what they plan on doing and it was just awkward after a while and then her other friend stopped by around 10:30 at night and that was that. So it’s not like I haven’t tried.
I’ll continue to pray about it and I will follow my heart and do what I want to do. I’m a people pleaser for certain people but I don’t think I will be with her. It’s my wedding and I need to what’s best for me. I will definitely be asking my girls all over again as well. Weddings really do make you see who a person is for real….