Holding onto engagement ring for 1.5 years

posted 1 week ago in Engagement
Post # 77
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

rosieg86 :  Bee, this is just proposal, what makes you think for example having kids will be any different, or buying a house, or money or finances? It’s just the proposal at the moment but can you imagine every single little thing like this?

If he is REALLY serious about his actions and he knows (you’ve also made clear) you are upset about the uncertainity (not the lack of proposal).  All you want is one way or another decision, he should put an end to it. Proposal or no proposal he is watching you go through emotional conflict and STILL refuses to do nothing about it…. is that someone you really want to be with?

THAT is the crux of the matter really not the answer of yes or no. The fact he sees you in some kind of pain emotionally, could put an end to it and doesn’t. He could easily say no I don’t want to marry or yes I do want to marry and here’s a timeline but he does neither. Even if he had some big proposal planned or there is some innocent reason behind it, surely for any person that goes out the window when the other person is in any pain at all? You don’t want to see someone you love in any pain if you have the power to fix it….

Post # 78
Member
7020 posts
Busy Beekeeper

rosieg86 :  Even with the update about how he supposedly was going to propose to you at home after the canceled easter egg hunt and you told him you wanted it to be more special, it still doesn’t justify an 18 month delay culminating in his latest “we’ll see what happens” bullshit speech.

I disagree with anyone who thinks you’re in the wrong for giving an ultimatum. There is a time and a place for ultimatums, and this is one. Not getting married is a dealbreaker for you and he needs to understand that. We all have our dealbreakers; this is yours, understandably, and communicating that to him is HONEST and NECESSARY.

Post # 79
Member
8168 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

rosieg86 :  When an “ultimatum” is intended to control someone’s behavior, that’s unhealthy and usually not effective in the long term. When it’s intended to let someone know the consequences of a certain behavior, there is nothing wrong with that. If you mean what you say and you plan to leave if he doesn’t propose by end of year, there is nothing wrong with sharing that information with him so he can consider it when making his decisions. So don’t feel bad about this particular “ultimatum.” 

On the other hand….  I imagine your advance rejection threw him for a loop and may have made him rethink the whole thing. He’s probably either been trying to decide if you are still the kind of person he wants to marry, or maybe deliberately trying to hurt you back. Either way, while I think the rejection was very short-sighted and …. “princessy” to quote your friend, at this point 18 months later, you are entitled to know if he’s changed his mind or what. So I think the “ultimatum” in this case is appropriate.

Post # 80
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

good luck bee i hope it works out for you.  congrats on getting a new house!! new memories to fill in.

Post # 81
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

rosieg86 :  It sounds like he got discouraged the first time he tried to do it and then left it aside for laziness and because he didn’t understand how important this was to you (and you didn’t help him keep saying that it was fine either way).

Next time maybe communicate better when something is really important to you, like REALLY important (not saying it’s really important to get married, I am saying for you it’s really important to KNOW).

If I have to do something and I know it won’t change anything because it doesn’t really have an impact (you told him multiple times it was the same to you) then you’re pretty much communicating you don’t bother with it – so why should he?

I think he got the message now (and you did the right thing) and he’ll propose by end of the year, you’ll be fine!

Post # 84
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

 

rosieg86 :  No one is saying we don’t understand that. I get what you mean it’s about the uncertainity rather than the answer yes or no to marriage, you just want to know one way or the other. Totally understood!

However, the point still stands that he can see you are in pain (however mildly!) with not having a direct answer and he STILL won’t give you a direct answer. Surely, whatever his reasons or desires either way, he would tell you his intentions and stop you from being even slightly unhappy? He has still left it as ‘see what will happen’ when your emotional and mental well being need more than that. That is the part people are trying to say is not OK. It’s clear you are in someway upset, he has the opportunity to at least give an answer and he still doesn’t…

You’re not going giving him an ultimatum in this case, you’re asking him to please stop causing me this issue in my mind or please can you stop hurting my feelings. If his feelings were also hurt by when you wanted a romantic proposal (not in your nightshirt) then he needs to discuss that and be open with that too. He needs to tell you exactly where he is at now because it is upsetting you, he should want for you not to be hurting and should be able to talk to you if he is hurting in someway as well.

Post # 85
Member
10370 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

rosieg86 :  If people you respect who know you and your SO personally think he’s not that great and that you can do better, I’d think long and hard about whether they have a point. 

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