(Closed) Holiday Blues (warning…a downer)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.

Have you told him exactly what you’ve posted here?

Post # 4
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

Does he know this? If he doesn’t, maybe he thinks you’re satisfied with how the relationship is right now.

Post # 5
Member
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I know exactly how you feel. Have you guys had the conversation of whether or not marriage is in the future? I’m sure you have but I’m a newbie so haven’t noticed. My SO used to have the worst comebacks when people would suggest he outta hurry up and marry type of thing. It was embarrassing but worst of all it hurt. It made me feel like he was displaying to the world that I was just an ol ball and chain…So i told him it truly bothered me and asked him to think of some nicer things to say…Now he’s great at it and makes me feel special. BUT it did take me saying something for him to know it hurt me. We’ve been together for 5 1/2 years and have two kids so ur story is all to familiar. I understand your hindsight too. Now I know we are going to get engaged.(even though i often feel the same as you) But at holiday events I just focus on the fact that we are a great couple. People tend to gravitate toward our energy too. Then when they see how happy we are for some reason the marraige questions stop. It’s the strangest thing. When people ask me in front of him if we’re gonna get married soon I just smile at him and say, I don’t know it depends on if he’s good or not;) I need that and he knows it because I hate when people look at me like I’m the one waiting it out. He’s confident enough to handle it too.

 

I hope some of my situation can help with yours. I know how you feel though. After soooo long u start to question what the deal is?! Good luck hun!

Post # 6
Member
1425 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rosehill Community Center

I feel very similarly…  My boyfriend told me for two years that he didn’t want to live together until we were married.  Well, then I quit my job, moved out of my apartment, found a job closer to him, and went to stay with him for a while.  A while has become nearly a year now!  I am wondering if I moved out and didn’t cook for him or anything,  wasn’t always there, maybe he’d like, miss me, and it would make him move faster?  I think it is quite possible.  But I don’t want to go and sign a lease if I won’t be planning to live there for at least a year.  It’s tough, because you’ve made yourself a part of his life, not only his life but his day to day life, and he’s a part of yours, and when you want more, it’s hard to vocalize that because what you have now is basically the same as what you want eventually, plus a piece of paper and some fancy jewelry. So. yeah.  Being a live-in girlfriend sucks!

Post # 8
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

Marriage just isn’t important to some people. I know my Fiance would have been perfectly happy to stay boyfriend/girlfriend forever. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be married to me – he absolutely does and is thrilled and excited for our upcoming wedding and being husband and wife, but he also was just satisfied at the boyfriend/girlfriend level since we live together, etc. and didn’t feel it to be of utmost importance that we change anything. So maybe it’s not that your boyfriend doesn’t want you forever – maybe he thinks he already does have you forever and is simply content to be?

It’ll be up to you to let him know that you want more and you want the marriage. If he is unresponsive after that, then… unfortunately you’ll have to decide if that’s okay or not. *hug* Just don’t drive yourself too crazy with what you ‘should’ have vs. what you already do have.

Post # 9
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think I could have written your feelings down. After living together with my SO for nearly 2 years, I’m still no closer to engagement. In fact I have been waiting since before we moved in and started property hunting, and he had no clue. It’s only in the last 6 months where he is finally getting the point.

I think after new years if I’m still not engaged by the end of feb, I’m going to tell him I’m not playing house wife anymore without the title, hehe 😛

Guess what I’m trying to say is, your not alone, waiting is horrible sometimes but we just have to try and think positive and see the good in our SOs, or we might start resenting them!

Post # 10
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

@endofmyrope: **HUGS**. Reading what you’ve posted just now is like reading a page from a diary I’ve never written because I could never find the words to properly convey how I’ve felt. Reading this made my eyes a little misty, haha.

I feel like I’ve completely screwed up my chance for a proposal from SO. While I love my SO and we have a good relationship, I wish now that I had gone about things a lot differently. I wish that I never let him move in with me, and I wish I wasn’t so “wifely”. I am filled with resentment every time I think about the fact that I have been a selfless and devoted girlfriend for almost 4 years and that doesn’t seem important enough to him for him to “lock me down” as you put it. His girlfriend before me dated him for less time, never moved in with him, and she was a complete bitch, and he saved up for a ring for HER and proposed to HER (she said no, obviously)

I seriously feel like I should stop being so agreeable!

Post # 11
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

8 years is a looong time! It sounds like maybe he is satisfied with the way things are and sees no need to make it official. As other commenters are saying, you need to make sure you are communicating to him how you feel about this. It may be too late to only offer him the pleasure of your wifeliness upon actual marriage, but are there other milestones that you haven’t reached yet that you plan to, that you could tell him you are not ok with doing until you are married? Buying a house for instance, or having children?

I don’t live with my SO and we discussed it a bit, but I decided that I might as well wait for marriage. Not really because I was worried that he wouldn’t feel the need to marry me if we were already living as if we were husband and wife, more because it’s the first time I’ve  had enough money to live on my own in a nice place – but wanting to leave something for marriage did have a teensy bit to do with it. I mean not many of us are saving sex for marriage anymore but I think it’s important not to give absolutely everything up without a ring if a ring is what you really want. Do you guys plan on having kids? Is this something you could use as a ‘marry me before you will get this’ incentive?

Post # 13
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@endofmyrope:

I hope he does! And yeah, definitely a good idea to leave it for after the holidays, there is enough pressure on this damn season to be perfect as it is!

Post # 14
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee

Hmmm, you started posting 7 months ago and you chose the user name endofmyrope.  That is a long time to feel the way you do.  I couldn’t do it.  Just sayin’

Post # 15
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee

this is why I refuse to live with bf. and I’m not judging you at all, I’m just saying, I know this would be the same exact situation for me if we did.

 

all I can say is, tell him how you feel. and maybe “remind” him that you’re not his wife lol (for instance: don’t do his laundry, cook only for yourself haha) just to kind of get his wheels turning…

 

and I feel you, I’m not looking forward to being the “girlfriend” at christmas either.

 

Post # 16
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I may not agree with the statement, but I still can’t get my moms voice out of my head…”why would he buy the milk when he’s getting the cow for free”

 

i’m a live in SO for the record and I’m happy about that decision, but it IS still hard

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