Post # 1
OK Bees, I’ve been strong as long as I could. This past week we went on a trip to the Dominican Republic with some friends. The trip was FANTASTIC. Lots of fun was had by all. Unfortunately, still no proposal. We had dinner with a friend-couple who aren’t engaged or married and the guy friend made a couple of comments to the effect of “hey man, you need to go ahead and marry this one.” Not so bad, right? Then SO responded “Gee thanks.” I’m totally bummed by his response and confused because we were dancing to live music in the hotel lobby when he said, “we need to practice so that when we do our first wedding dance we look natural.” SERIOUSLY? Please don’t talk to me about our hypothetical wedding because I can’t take much more of the waiting…..it’s been 8 years (4 undergrad and almost 5 post-grad). At any rate, I am definitely not looking forward to ANOTHER holiday as “the girlfriend”. It doesn’t help that the hotel staff kept referring to us as husband and wife, which only added to my frustration.
I just feel like in hindsight, I’ve handled things all wrong by getting so involved with his family and moving in together. I feel like maybe if I didn’t act so “wifely” towards him, we would be married or engaged by now. Right now it seems like the fact that we’re not married is only exaggerated by the holiday season and it feels phony for us to continue the facade. The reality is that I’m just the girlfriend. I almost feel like an imposter. I think I’ve rationalized it in my head because the way we are with each other is the “next best thing”, but it’s really not. I want the promise of forever that for whatever reason he doesn’t seem to be willing to give. So, bah humbug! 🙁
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.
Have you told him exactly what you’ve posted here?
Post # 4
Does he know this? If he doesn’t, maybe he thinks you’re satisfied with how the relationship is right now.
Post # 5
I know exactly how you feel. Have you guys had the conversation of whether or not marriage is in the future? I’m sure you have but I’m a newbie so haven’t noticed. My SO used to have the worst comebacks when people would suggest he outta hurry up and marry type of thing. It was embarrassing but worst of all it hurt. It made me feel like he was displaying to the world that I was just an ol ball and chain…So i told him it truly bothered me and asked him to think of some nicer things to say…Now he’s great at it and makes me feel special. BUT it did take me saying something for him to know it hurt me. We’ve been together for 5 1/2 years and have two kids so ur story is all to familiar. I understand your hindsight too. Now I know we are going to get engaged.(even though i often feel the same as you) But at holiday events I just focus on the fact that we are a great couple. People tend to gravitate toward our energy too. Then when they see how happy we are for some reason the marraige questions stop. It’s the strangest thing. When people ask me in front of him if we’re gonna get married soon I just smile at him and say, I don’t know it depends on if he’s good or not;) I need that and he knows it because I hate when people look at me like I’m the one waiting it out. He’s confident enough to handle it too.
I hope some of my situation can help with yours. I know how you feel though. After soooo long u start to question what the deal is?! Good luck hun!
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rosehill Community Center
I feel very similarly… My boyfriend told me for two years that he didn’t want to live together until we were married. Well, then I quit my job, moved out of my apartment, found a job closer to him, and went to stay with him for a while. A while has become nearly a year now! I am wondering if I moved out and didn’t cook for him or anything, wasn’t always there, maybe he’d like, miss me, and it would make him move faster? I think it is quite possible. But I don’t want to go and sign a lease if I won’t be planning to live there for at least a year. It’s tough, because you’ve made yourself a part of his life, not only his life but his day to day life, and he’s a part of yours, and when you want more, it’s hard to vocalize that because what you have now is basically the same as what you want eventually, plus a piece of paper and some fancy jewelry. So. yeah. Being a live-in girlfriend sucks!
Post # 7
Thanks Bees. I haven’t told him how I’ve been feeling recently–mainly because I don’t know if it will pass and I don’t want to put a damper on the holidays. I do, however, plan to revisit the marriage talk with him again. Earlier this year we talked about getting married next year. That was around March or so, and we haven’t had a serious conversation about it since then. I guess in my “ideal world” I would mean enough to him that he would innately want to lock me down for forever. I haven’t really talked to any of my engaged or married friends to find out if that’s how it happened for them–except one. In her case, he just couldn’t live without her and proposed after less than 2 years of dating. She was totally surprised. Now they have a dog and a baby. :-/
Post # 8
Marriage just isn’t important to some people. I know my Fiance would have been perfectly happy to stay boyfriend/girlfriend forever. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be married to me – he absolutely does and is thrilled and excited for our upcoming wedding and being husband and wife, but he also was just satisfied at the boyfriend/girlfriend level since we live together, etc. and didn’t feel it to be of utmost importance that we change anything. So maybe it’s not that your boyfriend doesn’t want you forever – maybe he thinks he already does have you forever and is simply content to be?
It’ll be up to you to let him know that you want more and you want the marriage. If he is unresponsive after that, then… unfortunately you’ll have to decide if that’s okay or not. *hug* Just don’t drive yourself too crazy with what you ‘should’ have vs. what you already do have.
Post # 9
I think I could have written your feelings down. After living together with my SO for nearly 2 years, I’m still no closer to engagement. In fact I have been waiting since before we moved in and started property hunting, and he had no clue. It’s only in the last 6 months where he is finally getting the point.
I think after new years if I’m still not engaged by the end of feb, I’m going to tell him I’m not playing house wife anymore without the title, hehe 😛
Guess what I’m trying to say is, your not alone, waiting is horrible sometimes but we just have to try and think positive and see the good in our SOs, or we might start resenting them!
Post # 10
@endofmyrope: **HUGS**. Reading what you’ve posted just now is like reading a page from a diary I’ve never written because I could never find the words to properly convey how I’ve felt. Reading this made my eyes a little misty, haha.
I feel like I’ve completely screwed up my chance for a proposal from SO. While I love my SO and we have a good relationship, I wish now that I had gone about things a lot differently. I wish that I never let him move in with me, and I wish I wasn’t so “wifely”. I am filled with resentment every time I think about the fact that I have been a selfless and devoted girlfriend for almost 4 years and that doesn’t seem important enough to him for him to “lock me down” as you put it. His girlfriend before me dated him for less time, never moved in with him, and she was a complete bitch, and he saved up for a ring for HER and proposed to HER (she said no, obviously)
I seriously feel like I should stop being so agreeable!
Post # 11
8 years is a looong time! It sounds like maybe he is satisfied with the way things are and sees no need to make it official. As other commenters are saying, you need to make sure you are communicating to him how you feel about this. It may be too late to only offer him the pleasure of your wifeliness upon actual marriage, but are there other milestones that you haven’t reached yet that you plan to, that you could tell him you are not ok with doing until you are married? Buying a house for instance, or having children?
I don’t live with my SO and we discussed it a bit, but I decided that I might as well wait for marriage. Not really because I was worried that he wouldn’t feel the need to marry me if we were already living as if we were husband and wife, more because it’s the first time I’ve had enough money to live on my own in a nice place – but wanting to leave something for marriage did have a teensy bit to do with it. I mean not many of us are saving sex for marriage anymore but I think it’s important not to give absolutely everything up without a ring if a ring is what you really want. Do you guys plan on having kids? Is this something you could use as a ‘marry me before you will get this’ incentive?
Post # 12
araneidae The whole kids thing is a very complicated issue with us. Recently, I had some medical complications, which left me with some possible difficulties (or obstacles, if you will) to having a healthy pregnancy. I want children very badly, but I think SO downplays how much he may want kids for fear of hurting me if we can’t have them.
Thank you all for the advice. I think what it boils down to is that we’ll have a talk about where we are and where we want to go next week (after Christmas). I think the beginning of a new year is the perfect time to make that sort of assessment. I’m not afraid to talk to him about my feelings (or else I wouldn’t want to marry him), but I just want to make sure that I time it in a way that if the response is not favorable, we don’t have that heavy stuff weighing over our heads during the holiday season.
I’ll keep the hive posted on how it goes!
Here’s to hoping he proposes before then, so then it’s a moot point .
Post # 13
I hope he does! And yeah, definitely a good idea to leave it for after the holidays, there is enough pressure on this damn season to be perfect as it is!
Post # 14
Hmmm, you started posting 7 months ago and you chose the user name endofmyrope. That is a long time to feel the way you do. I couldn’t do it. Just sayin’
Post # 15
this is why I refuse to live with bf. and I’m not judging you at all, I’m just saying, I know this would be the same exact situation for me if we did.
all I can say is, tell him how you feel. and maybe “remind” him that you’re not his wife lol (for instance: don’t do his laundry, cook only for yourself haha) just to kind of get his wheels turning…
and I feel you, I’m not looking forward to being the “girlfriend” at christmas either.
Post # 16
I may not agree with the statement, but I still can’t get my moms voice out of my head…”why would he buy the milk when he’s getting the cow for free”
i’m a live in SO for the record and I’m happy about that decision, but it IS still hard