Holiday double standard?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
5754 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Your agreement was only to go every other yeah, I honestly think it’s completely unreasonable for you to now say you aren’t going. 

It doesn’t really matter how many times you go home or what your relationship is with your own family, he wants to do the holidays with his extended family every other year and I think that’s completely fair. Suggesting you visit in September instead of over the holidays really isn’t a compromise. 

If he was forcing you to go every year then you have an issue but the agreement of every other year is normal.

I don’t really get the double standard.  So he only wants to visit his family over the holidays and not several times throughout the year, that doesn’t mean his choice is invalid. 

Post # 3
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I would also feel frustrated in his position at the constantly shifting goal posts. You’d both agreed to do major holidays every alternating year – why should that now move to September? That’s not when thanksgiving or Christmas are.

What alternative are you aiming for? I.e. are you wanting to go on a holiday abroad, just the two of you (e.g. Bahamas) and he’s saying no?

Post # 4
9160 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
Sweetcece :  Honestly I think you are being the jerk in this situation, not him. You have made it pretty clear that you see your family if and when you want to and it doesn’t sound like he is forcing you to see or interact with your family on these trips. However it does sound like he expects you to show a bit of excitement to be spending the holiday with him as you both spend time with his family.

You are also being unfairly nitpicky over his choice to limit visits to once a year. There could be a million reasons why he does this from it being emotionally hard to leave his loved ones/be reminded of the geographical distance between them to it being the best time of year to co-ordinate all the extended family being in town.

Honestly you come off as selfish.

Post # 5
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Our compromise is to spend one major holiday in our home state each year, alternating between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  

Isn’t OP meaning to say that they go visit their home state each year, but on a different holiday each time? Eg. first year go home on Thanksgiving, second year go home on Xmas. That’s what I’m getting.

OP, are you saying your DH is controlling how you should feel about going “home” during the holidays? He’s close to his family so of course he would be excited. But you’re not close with yours, so why should you have the same excitement as his? 🤷‍♀️ You’re visiting his family too and I’m sure you’re excited about that, but I don’t get why he has to force you to be excited about visiting your own family. Does he want you to be all happy-smiley 24/7 during the visit? Unless you’re being grumpy and frowning for the entire trip then that’s a different story..

Post # 6
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

The part that really bothered me is this: “He is often bothered because I’m not excited about going home during the holidays.  He knows my history, but yet he wants me to be ecstatic to travel home with him each holiday season.”

He is asking you to feel something you don’t feel. That is unreasonable, especially since you have very solid reasons for feeling as you do. Asking someone to do something with a good attitude is understandable; asking for ecstasy is ridiculous. (Of course, it all depends on how carefully you were using the words; it could be a very fine line between good attitude and, say, happiness.)

Also, if he wants to go so much, why doesn’t he also go during the year?

Post # 7
4285 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Is he actually asking you to be ecstatic about the visit? Or just to not be miserable/act positive? Because there’s a world of difference. 

Post # 12
2880 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
Sweetcece :  Sorry, I still fail to see the double standard (even with your updates) and it doesn’t sound like he’s making “jabs” at you.

My husband and I live a plane ride away from his family as well (mine is local) and we alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas as well.  My husband does see his family other times of the year but not a ton, but there’s something about the holidays that make it harder for him to leave.  So I think it’s completely irrelevant that you say you say your husband can see his family other times of the family if he chooses.

And you can’t judge your huband’s relationship with his mother.  You said her relationship with her husband is rocky and you really don’t know what happens behind closed doors.  You also don’t know all the ins and outs of your husband’s own relationship with her.  So it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t see her often even though she’s local.

Marriages aren’t tit for tat, but there has to be give and take. You said he should have respect for your feelings about your family yet you have said nothing that makes me believe you have that respect for his.

Sometimes you have to do things to keep the peace as well.  I generally like my husband’s family but my one sister in law is a piece of work.  I deal with her for my husband’s sake and I do put on a happy face even though I’m secretly rolling my eyes at times.  And honestly, trying to be positive actually makes me feel more positive.  So maybe you just need an attitude change.  5 days isn’t unreasonable for not seeing family the rest of the year (that’s how long we stay and we do see my husband’s family more often).

Again, I still fail to see the double standard so maybe you need to re-read what you wrote.

Post # 14
3149 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I’m sorry, but it sounds like you made a compromise and then decided after the fact that you don’t like it and now act like a sour puss every time you have to honour that compromise…

It would be ridiculous for him to try to force you to feel excitement you don’t feel, but honestly, he probably just finds your attitude toward going home for the holidays a super downer and I can see why that would bother him. Just paste a smile on and get through it. You’re a grown up. We pretend for the sake of politeness all the damn time. 

Post # 15
4098 posts
Honey bee

Having a tantrum and going back on a compromise is not very…spouse-y of you. It sounds like he really hurt your feelings by ignoring your legitimate reasons for not being excited about the holidays. I get that, but the answer isn’t retaliation. Talk to him…tell him why you’re hurt, tell him its important he understands why holidays are tough, but also acknowledge how he feels about the holidays and that you understand this is important to him too. You laid the groundwork by making the compromise to begin with, you both should stick to it.

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