- 2 years ago
Hi everyone, I am writing to get another perspective on the upcoming holidays. It seems like my DH and I keep having the same fight so something has to give!
We married and moved away and now live a 2 hour non-stop flight away from where we met. The move has been good, but holidays are tough because we have different ideas about how to spend the holidays. He feels close to his extended family – grandma, aunts, etc., and they are in our home state. My only family there is my dad, stepmom, and half-siblings and we’re cool, but not super close. The rub is that my mother-in-law and stepfather are now a 3-hour drive away from us and he NEVER wants to visit them because their relationship is strained. So, when he wants to visit “home” he means our home state.
Our compromise is to spend one major holiday in our home state each year, alternating between Thanksgiving and Christmas. We agreed on this because while I love to travel, I didn’t want to spend every single holiday flying to our home state. Driving home is not an option because of the distance. This year we plan to spend 5 nights at home for Christmas.
I now want to back out because I think he is being a jerk. Since we moved away my husband ONLY goes home during Thanksgiving or Christmas. I’ve tried to get him to fly home during the year, but he refuses. I, on the other hand, travel to our home state 4 – 5 times a year for work or just to get away so I regularly catch up with friends, see family (if I want), eat at my fave restaurants, enjoy the city, etc.
I’m not especially close to my family so holidays have been tough for years, but I’ve grown a lot with counseling and a huge dose of truth and honesty. Now, I visit their home when its comfortable and leave when it isn’t. It’s not ideal, but it is what it is at this point. I like my husband’s family and see them once a year so no bad vibes.
My frustration is not in going home, it is my husband’s comment about me and my family dynamic. He is often bothered because I’m not excited about going home during the holidays. He knows my history, but yet he wants me to be ecstatic to travel home with him each holiday season. Because I’m not that close to my family, and because I’m also home several times during the year, I don’t feel as pressed to spend the holidays in our home state. It has been a tough year contact wise with my family (and he knows that) so while I planned to visit in December, it was going to be a limited stop-in.
I know that people like going home for the holidays and that is how my husband feels – I get it. I’m happy to go and truly enjoy being home with him and seeing everyone, but I like going in September as much as I do in Nov/Dec. It feels like he puts so much pressure on the holidays and they are already emotional for me. He claims that he wants to go home because he loves being around everyone. Well, why he doesn’t he go home more often if he misses them? All of his extended family are local so it’s not like Christmas is the one time that everyone is in the same state. And, why is he bothered if I don’t jazzed to go home for the holidays considering my history – I’m still going? I don’t get mad when he doesn’t visit with me during the year because he wants to be at home. I love everything else about the holidays so it’s not like I’m a Scrooge. I’m actually the social and festive holiday person in our relationship. It seems like a double standard because he only visits his mom and stepdad IN THE SAME STATE on mother’s day and I never push because I know they don’t have a good relationship. I try to be supportive when he calls and calls and she doesn’t return his call for months. Yet, if I tell him something like that and then say I’m not siked to go home he makes it seem like I am “acting weird” about going home and the holidays.
I know that my family situation probably colors my opinion, but I want to focus on our new family and creating our traditions. Any advice on home to come to terms?