Holiday double standard?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
3264 posts
Sugar bee

Wait, is he saying he wants you to be estastic to see YOUR family, or HIS family?

It reads as though he wants you to show some excitement about going to visit his family and spend the holidays. 

What I don’t understand is why you’re letting your family, which is just a side stop at this point, have power and control over your entire emotional state about going home at all. Like, why is seeing them for a “limited visit” taking precedence of your feelings for the entire holiday season? 

Let them put a damper on your mood in the moment. Feel the strain of the relationships in the moment. But damn, don’t let them ruin the entire holiday vacation for not only you, but your husband as well. 

Post # 17
9839 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m still not seeing the double standard. And I really don’t see what his mom has to do with it at all? It’s not like he’s forcing you to see your family if you don’t want to. Why is this short visit with your family basically ruining the entire trip?

I’d just look at it as going to see his family once a year for the holidays. That is not unreasonable at all, IMO. I’d just put on a happy face and be polite for a few days. I’m sorry but going during September or whatever is not the same as seeing your family during the holidays. It’s just not.

Post # 18
2428 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I don’t know if it’s necessarily a double standard here, but why does he need you to be so excited to see people, to celebrate the holidays? What’s the big deal?

I wouldn’t go back on your agreement to go back home, but I agree that 5 nights is plenty. I love going to my hometown and seeing my family and friends but 5 nights would be too much even for me. 

You feel that you’re being fair by going for 5 nights, once per year around the holidays so he should accept that and not try and force you to go longer, and he also shouldn’t be upset with you for not feeling a certain way about it.

Post # 19
8378 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m confused if you hate your family so much that you dont want to spend xmas with them, why do you go back 5x a year and spend time with them then? 

Post # 20
79 posts
Worker bee

I’m kind of surprised about how some bees are missing the forest for the trees. Who said anything about hating family? Not about what the OP is asking about.

I can see what you’re saying, Bee. He’s micromanaging your feelings, which is always doomed to fail. Unless you’re seriously moaning about going, he has no reason to call you out. And it’s doubly annoying because he’s holding you to a standard he doesn’t hold himself to. Yeah, if being home is so important to him, why doesn’t he go more often? It sounds like you go home A LOT. I’m only a 1 hour plane ride from home, and even I wouldn’t be psyched about 5 days at “home” (let’s point out, too, that this isn’t home anymore, your beautiful new house together is home now) and that’s even without additional visits throughout the year. And I love seeing my family and friends. 

Does he have mixed feelings about family (it sounds like he might, what with the complicated relationship he has with his mother)? Is coming home for him kind of fraught? From the outside, it seems like he might be projecting a little. If you express sheer delight about the trip, he can ride that wave and not examine some of the more complicated things about going home that he might be feeling uncomfortable about. 

This is tough, but there is one easy fix in the meantime. Next time he tells you what he wants you to feel, I think you have an opportunity to ask that moving forward, you are each going to allow each other to have your feelings about whatever particular issue you’re dealing with as long as you’re not actively hurting each other. You guys are grown ups, you can manage your emotional reactions to things without on your own, and you can come to compromises about your travel plans without digging up and stirring in each other’s vulnerabilities. It seems a little mean spirited that he insists on doing this. You offered for him to make it a longer trip on his own, so it’s not like you’re letting your feelings get in the way of what he wants to do. Don’t back out of the trip, but also, don’t let him tell you how you should feel. I might even go as far as to ask why it matters to him so much that you jump for joy? I personally have a feeling this is really about him, not about you.

Post # 21
1531 posts
Bumble bee

I think people have a tendency to epect others to have a similar relationship as they have. I enjoy visiting my family and I enjoy going home for christmas. I enjoy te traditional foods, board games and chilling out. My partenr has a complicated relationship with his dad. He visits once or twice a year. Their christmas is ordering takeout and watching sports so he doesn’t see the fuss over chrsistmas. The intellectual part of me understands that their family dynamics is totally different, but I can’t really understand it so I occationally push it with him due to not undestanding.

I feel like your husband can’t step into your shoes and is overbearing it too much. I don’t think it’s fair that once you made an agreement you have to stick with it. Me and my partner usually when visiting my family (plane ride) he comes over for a long weekend and I stay rest of the week. Also in our damily all the couples split for the holidays and go spend it with their own parents (including the married couples). So I really think the compromise of you going for a few days and him staying longer is perfect.

I’m still a bit unclear on how he is presenting the wanting you to feel excited. Is it more fo teh annoying holiday spirit type or actually being a jerk? Tell him that you feel the way you feel and you wil be polite over the holidays. Or a proper sit down and explain why you are not excited and he just ahs to accpt it. Also talk about aleternative holiday arraingements. Like you join every other year and he goe every year. Or that you join for 3 nights and he can stay longer etc.

Post # 23
694 posts
Busy bee

Christmas can be sucky if you have less than Hollywood film  standard relationships with family. Mine is a bit dysfunctional and it really does put you in a bit of a spin about how / the best way to do the holidays so that they are a) enjoyable, b) comfortable for everyone and c) no one is put out.

Most years I’d love to just go and runaway and sit on a beach alone..

I think PPs we’re being exceptionally harsh and missing your point OP. It can be bad enough feeling awkward about the holidays – last thing you need is someone pointing that out / or judging you for feeling that way and being in that situation.

Sorry that your SO’s view on the holidays has now also been tainted – but maybe it’ll take him off his high horse a bit and see that the holidays are not always rosy and Hollywood for everyone!!

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