Post # 1
FI’s and my families live about 7 hours apart. For the last couple years, we’ve spent some of the big (to us) holidays, like Thanksgiving and Easter, together with one family or the other, and some apart where we each went home to our own families. Christmas is the biggest deal to each family, so we’ve always spent it apart from each other. This is our first and only Christmas being engaged, and we disagree: I think that until marriage, we each belong with our own families for Christmas – I would feel disloyal to my family since Fiance and I are not married yet. He thinks that by getting engaged, we’ve committed enough that being together for Christmas should be priority one, even though that will almost certainly mean not seeing one family at all on the actual day.
We are both 100% in agreement that once we’re married, we will spend every holiday together (barring extraordinary circumstances I guess), but it’s this year that we’re disagreeing on. I’m interested in which of us has the more mainstream view here. So, for those of you for whom seeing both families on an important holiday isn’t a great option, when did (or will) you become a unit for holiday purposes?
Post # 3
I think either way is fine, really. Fiance and I always spend thanksgiving together at my family because his family doesn’t really do thanksgiving that much, but Christmas we split when he wants to go home (which is not every year because it is a flight). Even last Christmas after we were engaged he took 10 days off work to go see his mom (who he sees once every 12-18 months so he tries to make them longer trips when he goes) for Christmas and I went home for my family. Both because I wanted to be with my family for Christmas and because I couldn’t take as much time off work. So I don’t think its weird to spend engaged holidays apart… but I also don’t think its weird to want to be together. Whatever you do has to work for you.
Post # 4
**Just thought of a “compromise” though… since you want to be with your family and he wants to be with you… why doesn’t he just go to your family’s house for Christmas? Presumably with them living so far apart you two will do a every other year rotation thing, right? So you could just start that this year with YOUR family getting you for Christmas and then everyone would be happy.
Post # 5
@CorgiTales: yeah, that sounds absolutely logical. But because it’s worked out that we’ve spent more holidays this year with my fam, and because of an illness in his, we both agree that if we spend it together, it will be with his family.
Don’t worry, we’ll definitely find a solution we can both deal with – I just want to get an idea of what the norm is so I can either whip myself into shape or feel ok about saying no 🙂
Post # 6
Yea I don’t know… if I were you I’d be a little annoyed because either way he gets to spend the holiday with his family so by taking a strong pre-marriage stance on it he’s really just saying he wants you to not spend Christmas with yours. But I’m sure you two will work it out.
Post # 7
My husband was 6k miles (9 hours time diff) away from me before we got married, so spending time together -not to mention holidays- was difficult. Now that we are married and living together, we are spending our first holidays together. 🙂 He’s kinda stuck with spending the holidays with my family (we currently live with them) but he likes my family very much so he’s not TOO bummed about it. I know he’ll be missing his family though.
Post # 8
@CorgiTales: Yup it definitely comes off that way. But I’m making a real effort to give the benefit of the doubt and assume good faith. And to be fair, before this health issue cropped up, he was considering joining my family for Christmas.
Post # 9
What about spending time after the holiday with your family? Or Christmas Eve?
In my family, as long as they get to see us, even if it’s not on THE day, they’re pretty cool with it. Family Time is Family Time
Post # 10
What about hosting it at yours? Or spending it just together the two of you, say you’re saving up for the wedding?
Start your own traditions 🙂
Post # 11
We rotate where to spend Christmas and started doing so from our second Christmas on. Since we are far from both families we usually spend Christmas and New Years in the same place. This year, we used all of our vacation for the wedding and honeymoon and didn’t want a rushed holiday so we’ll stay home for Christmas and spend NYE with his friends. Generally we’ll visit the family we don’t see at Christmas in the months before or after. Since my family is further away, the year we didn’t go to them for Christmas we had spent a week with them in October which coincided with a freind’S wedding and a milestone family birthday. When we didn’t see DH’s family we visited 2 weeks before and had a long weekend with them (they are closer so we can see them more). Next year we’re planning Thanksgiving with mine and Christmas with his. Of the 4 Christmases we’ve lived together we spent one apart, 2 with my family and one with his.
Post # 12
we started switching sides once we were engaged, but it wasnt because we were engaged. we would have done it even if we werent engaged because we were tired of running around and not spending quality time with any one family.
Post # 13
We’re on a rotation – Since we got married last year close to his family,which meant they got Thanksgiving, the wedding and the after-honeymoon visit, my fam got first dibs on Christmas this year. Thanksgiving is not as big a deal to my family, though they enjoyed spending thanksgiving with my husband’s family so much last year that even though next year is supposed to be with my family, my parents may be coming to visit HIS parents!
Post # 14
We’re lucky enough to have parents that live close to us. We’re Jewish so we have a lot of different holidays, and we’ll just go to one parent’s house one night and the other the next. Our parents are ok with us not being there on the actual day of the holiday, they’re just glad we come.
We’ve been going to each other’s parents for holidays since we started dating. For me, as much as I love my family, it’s more important for me to be with him.