(Closed) Holidays and DH's ridiculous family

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s up to your husband to put the kibosh on this, they’re his parents. My in-laws are like this; it’s an all about me mentality and I’m afraid my husband’s family has this in spades. Maybe it’s genetic. Whatever, it’s very annoying to have to deal with, so I feel your pain. Just stand your ground. In time they will get used to sharing. Or, more likely, you’ll get used to them pissing and moaning and learn to tune it out. 

Post # 17
Member
3611 posts
Sugar bee

Tigerlilybride:  Not cool, I think splitting holidays is a perfectly fair arrangement. We spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his family. They need to understand that just because you married their son, your parents and siblings didn’t disappear into a black hole. I think you need to stick to your guns on this and maybe after a few years they’ll finally get it. I also think your Darling Husband needs to let them know that it’s not okay for them to make rude comments about you for wanting to spend part of the holidays with your family.

Post # 18
Member
9131 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

It’s considerate of you to tell your Mother-In-Law instead of asking your husband to do it, but I think it will backfire in the long run.  If you continue to let your husband wuss out and make you be the bad guy to his parents, it’s going to drive a huge wedge between them and you.  They’re going to think that you’re dragging their poor son off to his in-laws instead of where he really wants to be, with them, instead of that you’re a TEAM and make decisions together and want to be a part of both families.  

God, I would be livid if my husband’s family treated me so disrespectfully and he didn’t stand up to them about it.  I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 19
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

I would not be calling them. Your H needs to grow a pair and act like an adult.  Him making you call is essentially making you look like the bad, mean, controlling wife and he then looks like the “what can I do” victim.  No.  That is incredibly unfair to you.

So maybe it is time for you to stand up for yourself and tell your H to grow a freaking back bone.

Post # 20
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

 

Tigerlilybride:  Your husband has GOT to nut up and talk to his own mother.  It’s very convenient for him to let you look like the bitch who’s stealing him away at Christmas, but if she doesn’t hear it from his mouth, she’s always gonna think that’s exactly what’s happening.  Sorry, but him being scared of his own mother isn’t an excuse.  Each partner deals with their own parents.  End of subject.  You fighting his battles for him against his own family is very unbecoming and frankly makes your husband sound like a child who is too wussy to stand up for himself.  

Tell him he can talk to them or else they’ll just have to wonder where you are on Christmas morning.  

Post # 21
Member
1273 posts
Bumble bee

Just a thought: Don’t apologize when you make the call, you have nothing to apologize for and are being totally reasonable. Don’t apologize for yourself, your feelings or DH’s mom’s feelings. Say “this is how it is going to be because this is our choice”. A mature adult will accept that and be respectful of your boudaries. Immature adults should be ignored, like the oversized, badly behaved children they are.

Post # 22
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I have to agree with PP – be very careful if you make the call since there is plenty of evidence here that his mom with spin this back on you and if your husband isn’t going to stick up this could go south very fast

I think that the best thing to do is call them together (on speaker) or something like that so that even if you physically do the talking then she can’t pretend this is all her “horrible evil DIL that doesn’t want her son to be with his monther on a holiday”

you and Darling Husband need to be ready for her reply – “we still do love you and want to spend time with you but its important that we also see Tiger’s parents”, “we aren’t being unfair – as a married couple we have to make compromises”, “I am sorry that you feel that way but we have made up our minds”  etc

 

Post # 23
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

It would be great if your hubs would talk to his parents, but that just might not be the dynamic of how you guys operate. So whether it is you or your hubs, you just need to stick to your plans. She says it’s not fair, oh, “I’m sorry you feel that way but we will see you on xx” or something like that. She will either get the hint eventually that she can’t manipulate you or she will be dramatic the rest of your lives. However, you will know that by doing what YOU think is right And fair will always turn out the best. I don’t think there is any magic phrase or response to get her to stop the drama.

Post # 24
Member
13584 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

FI’s family is really hard to deal with when it comes to holidays.  We typically do Christmas with my family (he’s Jewish), and Thanksgiving with his.  Last year, we weren’t able to make it down, and his dad actually sent a letter explaining how disappointing we were (we didn’t go because we had gone down a month before his sister’s bridal shower and had her wedding/bachelorette right after the holidays that cost us almost $7k to go to/participate in).  They would not accept that we were unable to go for financial reasons.  I had also just started a new job the month before and didn’t have the time off.  We invited them to our house to do Thanksgiving, which they immediately declined, and then were insulted when my parents opted to drive down for it.

Darling Husband now has to rotate with his boss who gets Thanksgiving and who gets Christmas, so now he has a tough conversation with his parents that we won’t be going down for Thanksgiving next year.

Post # 25
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

julies1949:  just piping up to say that I LOVE “OFGS!” Hadn’t seen it before, but I’m going to have to snag that one. 🙂

Post # 26
Member
2185 posts
Buzzing bee

I think it is a smart move for you to make the call to his parents. Maybe conference call wit Darling Husband on the line as well so he can support what you say. I do not believe he should be the only one to talk to your Mother-In-Law because she’s his mom. The two of you are united in your choices and are making this choice together. It sounds like it would do him some good to stand up to his mother but that has to be when he is ready to do that. 

I also really don’t understand the need to celebrate any given holiday on the actual day. Its about the experience of being around those you love/care about/tolerate.  My family always has several Christmas’. One for my dad’s family, one for my mom’s side and then christmas day. It was awesome and made the holiday seem longer and better.  

Maybe this could be a compromise where you and Darling Husband visit his family and celebrate with them one weekend day before or after? It sounds like it wouldn’t appease your Mother-In-Law but its a thought. 

Good luck, bee!!!

Post # 27
Member
8267 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Indeed OFGS , so funny and appropriate for OP’s plight!

OP, if you must be the one to make the call ( though it is true what pp’s have said, it is making you look like the bad guy and him the victim,) i think you need, as has been suggested ,  a script from  which you do not deviate  – along the lines of ‘Mr  Tigerlily and I have decided that taking turns  with  familes for holidays is the way we are going to do it. He would  have called himself but is too  afraid  of upsetting /hurting /whatever you.”

And if you can  make him add his bit on the speakerphone or something , great . But  if you can’t trust him not to fold, and/or deviate from the script then do it yourself, but as a pp has said, don’t  aplogise and don’t back down .

PS their laughing and mocking your love for and  desire  to be with your  family is unconscionable and needs to be dealt with, but perhaps get this hurdle over first . Remember they cannot force you to be there, but they can wear you down unless you remain  firm as a (kind but non-apologetic ) rock   

Keep us posted, we are all on your side here!!

Post # 28
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

I feel for you. This problem is so common and I think it causes so many people unnecessary stress during the holidays.

I don’t really have any advice except you have to be a united front. I personally would not be the one to call his mom, but you seem set in doing that so at the very least make sure he I’d with you when you talk to her.

My sister went through something similar. When they had kids thy decided to be the ones to host and it became easier because they made it clear that they were staying home and if the IL’s wanted to see the kids they had to be the ones to make the trip.

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