- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
My Fiance is at work and works tomorrow as well. I’m not close with my family and was just planning on going to see a movie tomorrow.
I know he didn’t get me anything (he told me) and I just wish that he would have gotten me something small to let me know he was thinking of me. A box of chocolates or a Christmas Ornament or just something. (And don’t say maybe he will surprise me, I know he won’t.)
I have an ongoing theme of depression in my life – the bluebird of unhappiness pokes its head out for no real reason. No correlation with PMS or whats going on – I just feel sad. I don’t shower, I sleep all day, I’ve gained some weight – it’s miserable.
Now it has me re-thinking if I want to get married. He asked me today (after the no present discussion) if I regretted saying yes when he proposed and I didn’t say anything and it hurt his feelings, I know. I don’t think it’s him – I really think it’s me.
For 20+ years this has been a theme – meeting someone doesn’t just change it. I’ve tried so many meds, so much counseling, so many doctors – it just never goes away. Last time I tried taking anti-depressants I wasn’t so depressed but I wasn’t happy either – it was a fake kind of feeling. He didn’t like it and wanted me to quit taking them as I was “never happy” – he’s right, though I wasn’t depressed either.
I just don’t want to get dressed up and go someplace and have people looking at me and – I don’t know. It feels superficial. It’s not what I want. I just want to be happy.
I feel like because I’ve gained weight, I look awful in my dress. I don’t have any friends coming, just his family, most of whom I’ve never met. We don’t have any money and won’t be taking a honeymoon – our relationship isn’t BAD but I’m not happy.
My Fiance is so good looking, so nice, and I know he would do anything for me. It doesnt make me happy though, nothing really makes me happy. He doesn’t understand it isn’t him, it’s just me. I tell him it’s like if I had diabetes I couldn’t just WANT my blood sugars levels to be normal – its a true medical thing and he doesn’t understand.
I don’t want to tell him I don’t want to get married, but I don’t. I don’t want to split up with him, I just don’t feel I can go through with this right now.