(Closed) Home Envy.. Depressed

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My fiance and I live with my mom. We were planning on buying a house before the wedding, but our down payment is tied up in stocks, so it was almost cut in half. We are planning on riding out the recession (hopefully) and will buy a house when it is right for us. I had home envy for awhile, but if it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work. So just think of the positives. You have a nice home to live in until your luck turns around. Could you imagine having just bought a home with a mortgage and then your fiance getting laid off? It is way better to be at home saving instead of stressing over a new house.

When people make comments like, oh you live with your mom, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m lucky enough to have a mom who is giving me a roof over my head while me and my fiance save for a wedding, a house and all the other big things coming up in the future. Some parents don’t do that. So I understand where you are coming, from, but it is probably hard enough for your fiance after just losing his job, so it is probably better to think of the positive and be grateful for what you have- a place to live and a loving family to support you both. 

I am always dreaming of the next phases in life, so my mom always says don’t dream your life away. Enjoy what you have at the present. It can eb hard not to think of these things though.

Post # 4
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I get that way sometimes too.  My Fiance and I live with his dad, which right now works the best for us financially.  Living with him allows us to be able to pay off debt and save for a down payment on a house.  I couldn’t have said it better than Newport.  You have a uniquely envious situation – you have a place to stay while your Fiance finds a job, then you can save for a nice place.  Most people are forced into.  Enjoy the time with your family while you can, and hopefully your situation will turn around soon.

Post # 5
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

There’s really no connection between marriage and home ownership. Obviously it would be nice if everything lined up that way, but with the housing market still in free fall – there’s no reason to get yourself into a house and then be immediately "underwater."

I agree it’ll be hard to live at home after marriage. Have you considered renting? You guys can rent something small and still have your own space without the huge financial commitment of buying a house. Best of luck to you and your FI!

Post # 6
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

In many cultures it is common for multiple generations of a family to live together. So even though it’s not what you hoped for, it’s not weird at all from that perspective.

Post # 7
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I echo what everyone has already told you, particularly in these tough times.  However, if things are getting a little close for comfort and you feel like you need a break – take one!  Maybe you should schedule a night or weekend at a hotel/b&b in order to get some space and maintain your perspective.  Be sure to use hotwire or priceline in order to get the best deal : ). 

Trust me, you have to keep focused on the good and that includes having loving, caring parents who will stand by and support you without leaving you in the cold, literallly.  With the stressors that you have, it is probably easy to psyche yourself out and pretty soon a not-so-great situation seems a lot worse than it appears from the outside.  I also recognize that caring for elderly people is probably not the easiest thing in the world.  I think your mom makes a great point, but be sure to give yourself some time to dream b/c then you have something to look forward to.  Best wishes.     

Post # 8
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I can see why you are struggling with this, but I think multiple generations of families sharing a home is a reality for many people, especially in this tough economy. However, it is wonderful that you are making smart financial choices and you’ll have something to look forward to in the future when you buy your house. Instead of having the post wedding blues like so many brides, you and your Darling Husband will be able to immerse yourself in the project of creating a savings plan, shopping around for homes, etc.

Post # 10
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2009

My Fiance and I also live with my parents – and with the uncertainty of his job, there is just no way we could afford a monthly rent at this point (how embarassing, right??) It’s been hard to stomach, but like others have said, I feel lucky, SO lucky to have parents that love us and care for us and are able to help us. His parents would not do the same… Whenever we fly to visit them (Philly to Denver) we not only have to pay for our airfare, but also our food and lodging. Kind of messed up since we wouldn’t be going there and spending thousands if they didn’t live there, but I guess that’s just one of the things you grow to love about your in-laws 🙂

 Head up and keep the faith, it will only get better from here on out and in 15 years you’ll look back and be so proud of how far you’ve come 🙂 It is my hope that I am always able to take care of my children the way my parents have done for me for 25 years!

Post # 11
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I agree you should not feel bad AT ALL. Too many people bought into the idea the homeownership is the "American Dream" and if you don’t own a house, you’re some sort of failure. The truth is, buying a house is great for some people, some of the time. Read this to feel better:

http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2008/05/23/home_improvement/ 

Maybe once your FH finds a job, you could rent a small apartment, as joyce suggested. We pay about $800/month for a decent place, nothing too exciting, but we love it! If you decide to stay with your parents, there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You’re lucky and you’re going to have such a close relationship with them!

Post # 12
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor

You’re def. not alone! My  Fiance and I live with my parents at the moment in the Us and in 2 weeks we’ll be living in the Uk with his! It does get frustrating at times, but I think about how much I’m saving by not paying rent or a mortgage payement, and that calculation makes me feel a TON better!

 @ErinMarieMack : good point! I hadn’t thought of that, but I am excited for those things as well

Post # 13
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I just thought I’d drop for a perspective from the "other" side.  While I consider myself VERY lucky to have a home that I can call my very own, my husband and I thought long and hard about it.  At the time, we had about 8 months to go before the wedding and we came upon a house that we felt would not be there if we waited until after the wedding to make the purchase.  This was before the ridiculous $5 a gallon for gas and the current downturn of the economy.  We were thrilled with our new purchase and still am.  But everyday we wake up and wonder what would happen if one of us loses our job.  There is no guarantee these days that we will be employed when we wake up.  We are thankful to still have a job, but the thoughts cross our minds everyday that we may not one day and then what?  We are by no means overextending ourselves.  We own a very modest single family home, but it definitely takes both of our incomes to clear all the bills.  We ask ourselves now, knowing what we know about the economy, would we have gone through with the purchase?  The sad truth is probably not.  There’s never a guarantee for anything in life, but in our pursuit of the "American Dream", we may have been better off waiting.  So don’t feel bad.  While home ownership is wonderful, in this economy, it truly is more a burden than joyful.  Count yourself lucky that you don’t have a mortgage to worry about at the moment.  It really is a scary thing these days.

Post # 14
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Your situation is what it is.  If there is no way for you and Fiance to work out even renting on one income, then there’s really no other choice.  And some parts of the country are more expensive than others. However, the good news is that it’s going to be a buyer’s market, with the value of housing dropping like a rock in many markets where it was seriously over-inflated a year ago.  A year from now, if you are both working and have saved up some money for a down payment, you should be in good shape.

However, most people start out renting while they save to buy.  And most people start out with something pretty modest.  If you really want to be more independent, I suggest you figure out what you can actually afford, and start looking for a place to rent.  If you do stay where you are, be seriously about saving so that you can move out in a reasonable amount of time.  It’s awfully easy to spend the money that you would otherwise be spending on rent on vacations and clothing and entertainment, leaving you a year from now no closer to being on your own.

My husband and I have two kids (his) in college.  While they are both great kids, and we love them a lot, we have been pretty clear with them that when they graduate, we’ll be helping them find an apartment they can afford.  That may mean they have a few roommates; it will definately mean that they will be living somewhere a whole lot less nice than our house.  But we figure that we started out in pretty modest little apartments, and with roommates, ourselves.  The kids have several friends who are in their early to mid-twenties and still living at home, and my observation is that if you can make that work without some significant resentment eventually taking root, you have a pretty exceptional relationship with your parents and your husband. 

Post # 15
Member
12 posts
Newbee

with the economy the way it is, things could be a lot worse than that. Soon you’ll have your own place together!

Post # 16
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

oh it could be much worse.  You could live 5 hours away from your husband while He lives with your paretns in their guest bedroom.

(this is my situation)

Its ok- cheer up.  It will get better.  We know we will look back on this time and laugh 🙂

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