(Closed) Homeymoon and Wedding Drama from my family

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
8309 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m sorry, I wanted to respond but I don’t think I can work it all  out – all those dates and  and/or what the  actual problem is.  Sorry.

Post # 3
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Perhaps your parents have a problem paying for a “wedding” if you’re already married?  Just from a parent’s perspective and just my .02 but if my daughter made the decision to get married (even if it’s just signing papers) then that’s how she chooses to get married. It’s done and it would be rude to expect people to put out any amount of their money for an entire ceremony that’s essentially…unnecessary.

Post # 4
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee

Yep. If my kid decided to get married I would say, “Well, that’s your wedding.” and not throw you what’s essentially a party. No offense, but those all seem like silly reasons to get married and have a honeymoon before the reception your parents are throwing you. It’s kind of disrespectful, also. I’m sure your parents would love to see you get married. (By the way, “signing the papers” is the actual getting married part.)

Post # 5
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

larkiluu: 

To communiate the honeymoon thing to your mom: tell her you are going on vacation in November and tell her you are not taking a honeymoon.  When you are on the vacation feel free to milk it as a honeymoon, but just don’t express it that way to others.  Easy.

To communicate the whole getting married early thing to your mom: that a tough one.  I think your mom has a legitimate reason for being upset about that, since she’s paying for the wedding.  I would have a discussion with her about what she would be comfortable with and be flexible.  Fact of the matter is that if she’s being asked to pay for a party that she’s not happy about that’s not really fair to her.  

I’ve got to be honest, and I know you didn’t ask…but I do not think this is a good reason to “sign the paperwork” before your wedding.  And I DID sign the paperwork early and therefore have done a lot of thinking about when practical realities conflict with wanting to honor tradition.  I’d urge you to reconsider. 

 

Post # 6
Member
1919 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

larkiluu:  If you are without a doubt having it your way- then you need to very nicely thank your parents for their kind offer and DECLINE THEIR money. 

Having them pay for a “fake” wedding is selfish and immature. Your reasons are not good enough to have a party that your parents foot the bill for. You want to be married Nov 7th, ok, but no party in December. 

Post # 7
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

I think it’s odd to do things the way you are.  It’ll be confusing to people.  I understand that Nov 7 is important to you, but, I guess it’s too late now, but, you can honour the day in another way. 

I think a wedding on Dec 20 is not ideal either. 

I don’t think there is a way to tell her how you want it.  If she’s paying, she gets input.  So, you know what to do if you don’t want her influence.

Post # 8
Member
6642 posts
Bee Keeper

If you want to get married in November and have a reception in December that is your choice–if you are paying for it yourself.

If you’d like your parents to pay for your wedding then you’ll have to plan a wedding they are willing to pay for, on their terms.

Post # 10
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

larkiluu:  “why are me and my FI’s reasons not good enough to get married beforehand?”

It’s a good question.  And really, take the comment with a grain of salt because how I (or anyone else on this forum) evaluates your reasons is not really the point.  But here are two things that come to mind for me about how to decide for yourself whether your reasons for getting married in advance of your wedding are good reasons:

1) The practical vs the sentimental.  Most people who do a low key “sign the paperwork” and then hold a wedding afterward were compelled by some practical reason.  For example, people do this because they want to get the paperwork rolling on immigration processes, for military reasons, for health care reason (an unfortunate reality of America!), to make their destination wedding less hassle, etc.  Your reasons are more sentimental – you want to get married on a date that’s personally meaningful to you and you are worried about other holidays impacting your future anniversary celebrations.  I have made the value judgement that “practical” is good and “sentimental” is not.  This shows my own bias and you certainly don’t have to judge things the same way!  (Anyone who knows me would say I’m a deeply practical person!)  But this perspective might have something in common with what other people think and might be worth thinking through if it resonates with you.

2) The second piece of evidence that your reason might not be all that good are that your family has flat out rejected to them.  Assuming that your parents are good people who have your best interest at heart, their opinion should matter to you and they may have a perspective that you haven’t considered.  I would try to talk it out calmly with them and be open to hearing their side.  I hear what you’re saying about your mom being really superstisious to the point of making you nuts…my heart goes out to you on that.  But unlike a bunch of strangers on this forum, her opinion should bear some weight and you should probably at least hear her out.

I also think that while you’re stating that you are somewhat having the wedding that your parents want, you have to keep in mind that they are giving you a very expensive gift by paying for this wedding.  When you accept that gift there is some level of strings attached.  That’s why they get input into this situation.  I think that if you were paying for the wedding yourself you’d hear a lot more Bees say “it’s your life, do whatever you want.”

I am the first person to acknowledge that marriage and weddings have become a little complicated in today’s world and that each person needs to think through their situation and make the decision that feels right to them.  Given that, I thought I’d offer you two real life scenarios that might give you food for thought.  They aren’t the same as yours, but both include a small civil marriage of some sort.  Maybe it will help you work out some of the issues and figure out a solution.

Scenario 1

My Darling Husband and I decided to do a quick civil ceremony 2 months before our wedding day for 2 reasons.  The first is that we were having a destination wedding in Mexico and getting legally married there would be a major headache (have to get blood tests while in the country, have to be in the country for 5 business days before getting married, have to hold ceremony in Spanish, and our resulting marriage license would be in Spanish).  We knew that when we decided to do a Destination Wedding and we had just planned to quickly get married the day before we left for Mexico.  We had no problem with that.  The reason that we ended up getting legally wed two months before our wedding was that we are an international couple and we wanted to get our immigration paperwork started.  The fact of the matter is that it would take 1-2 years after our wedding for us to finally be able to live together.  My Darling Husband felt strongly that we should get things moving as quickly as possible since we were engaged and planning our wedding anyway.  We included my parents in the decision since they were the ones paying for the bulk of our wedding in Mexico and since I do really care what they think.  We decided as a family that we’d do the civil ceremony really low key with just my sister and Brother-In-Law as witnesses and that my mom and dad would only come to the “real” wedding in Mexico.  My Darling Husband and I also wanted to preserve thinking of the Mexico wedding as our “real” wedding day, so we did not refer to ourselves as married, did not exchange rings or personal vows, and did not publicize the civil ceremony, and celebrate the Mexico wedding day as our anniversary.  This worked for us.  Although I’ve caught a little flack for it on the Bee, it’s been no big deal in my real life.

Scenario 2

A friend of mine recently immigrated to the USA for work.  She and her long term boyfriend ended up in a long distance relationship because of this.  They had thought he’d be able to get a job and a visa in the States, but had the backup plan to get married if that wasn’t working out (they had planned to get married anyway, but were not yet officially engaged).  After 6 months the long distance relationship they decided to go for it and get married on 3 weeks notice.  Because of her visa type, this would allow her husband to join her in the USA in only about 3 months.  They decided to do a super intimate wedding on an upcoming vacation and they did not invite either of their families.  Both sets of parents were very upset – understandably.  They decided to press on despite the disapproval and the hurt because it’s what they wanted and, as independent adults they didn’t feel they needed anyone’s permission.  They plan to do a reception next year, which will give them enough time to save up and plan.  It’s not  a choice for everyone, but they are at peace with it and their parents seem to have come around.

Post # 11
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

larkiluu:  I agree with some of the other PPs that said that the way you are doing this is odd and this is only an issue because your parents are footing the bill so obviously they get some (read: all) say in this.

I don’t think they will be the only ones uncomfortable with attending/paying for a wedding if the couple is already married and already took their honeymoon. It is a bit odd.

If you want to go ahead and go with doing things your way, I think it would be unreasonable for you to expect your parent’s to still pay for a wedding after you are already married.

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