Post # 1
I have a cousin I love dearly. He’s been like a big brother and has been there for so many big milestones in my life. When I was a 13, he came out as gay, but that never really changed how we felt about him, regardless of some of my family’s feelings about homsexuality. To us, he’ll always be Bryan.
Five years ago, Bryan married his long-time partner in a civil ceremony. Bryan and Sam have been at almost every family function, so it was no brainer that I would invite both Bryan and Sam to my wedding. Even though we’re having a small wedding, we’re making sure to include all serious significant others and spouses of our guests. Bryan also offered to play piano for our ceremony for free (we’re also on a very small budget).
My fiance’s family are very, very conservative and very active in their church. In fact, his dad was part of a church-sponsored door-to-door campaign to ban all same-sex marriages. When they found out that Bryan is gay and that we were inviting his partner, they flipped out! They’re worried that Bryan and Sam will be “all over each other” and make all of their church friends uncomfortable. I know Bryan and Sam would never act inappropriate (they never have at any events we’ve been to, including weddings), but my in-laws insist that we take Sam off the guest list. I find it really rude and unfair to allow everyone else to bring their spouses, but not Bryan. Especially since he’s a close family member and he’s doing us a big favor with the ceremony music! But they tell us we should listen to what they say because they’re helping us pay for the reception (my family and his family are paying 50-50). It’s causing such a rift in our families because my family doesn’t think they have a say in who gets to be in invited from our side of the family. If they’re ready to pull their portion of the money because of this, I’ll accept that. But it’s not the money I’m torn about…it’s my future relationship with my in-laws! I accept that they have their opinions but they don’t have the decency to respect mine or even members of my family! Sorry for the long, dramatic post, but I had to get this off my chest!!!
Post # 3
Don’t do it. That is not right in any capacity. Stick up for yourself and for your cousin. Your in-laws are being rude, selfish, hate-filled people and it’s not excusable. If they want to ruin your relationship with them over this, I don’t think it’s worth having a relationship with them.
Post # 4
OMG obviously do not listen to your in laws. Everyone has their own opinions and if they are uncomfortable with gay people then that is fine but they have NO right whatsoever to tell you that you cannot invite his partner. It is so beyond insulting and rude. I have a similar situation going on and it surprises me as to how close minded and ignorant people can be!
Post # 5
Do not dis-invite Sam. You need to stick up for your family, and for what you believe in and support your cousin. Your in-laws are being completely unreasonable, and you need to to stand up for yourself and your family.
Post # 6
I understand not wanting to strain the relationship- but this isn’t a fight over some flowers or a color scheme. You definitely need to stick up for yourself and your cousin. Let them know respectfully, that they will be attending and however they choose to deal with it is their problem.
Post # 7
Bryan and Sam should both be invited and go to the wedding. They are your family friends and your in-laws can’t tell you who can or can’t be at your wedding. It is your wedding and if you and Fiance want them there, they should be there
Post # 8
Ditto to everyone else. This is worth standing up over. It may feel uncomfortable, but it will be worth it to look yourself in the mirror and know you did the right thing.
Post # 9
They were married-Sam is your cousin now too. To disinvite him would be beyond awful. Stand your ground now or you will be giving in to your in-laws for the rest of your life.
Post # 10
I agree, stand your ground and don’t disinvite him. He was your family before the inlaws. What does your Fiance say about all of this? He should be standing up for you. He should let his parents know that they aren’t the only ones paying for the wedding and you and your family have a right to invite who you want.
Post # 11
I work with teenagers who have been kicked out of their homes for coming out and being honest about who they are. Bigotry rarely changes. Let’s say your child comes out to you when they are a teenager. Are you going to have to hide them from their grandparents because of this bigotry? It will be hard, but you must stand up for your cousin and for what you believe. I can imagine there will be more family gatherings in the future ,so you had better take care of this now.
Your FIL’s need to know that your cousin and his husband will be attending, and they should treat your guests with respect.
I am so tired of people who are so narrow-minded and intolerant. (sorry, my little rant)
Good luck with this.
Post # 12
I agree- your cousin’s partner should be there. If it is really going to upset their church friends, then their church friends can chose not to attend.
If it were my in-laws, I would tell them that you expect ALL guests attending the wedding to be respectful of other people’s views- that you expect your cousin and his partner to act appropriately and not purposefully make others who may disagree with same-sex marriages uncomfortable, and you expect your in-laws and their friends to be respectful and not cause a scene or act inappropriately toward your cousin and his partner. Anyone who is unwilling to put aside their differences for the day can choose not to attend.
It’s perhaps reasonable for your in-laws to ask for them and their friends to be seated at a different table than your cousin and his partner, but it’s not fair of them to insist he not be invited- would it be fair of you to not invite your inlaws and their friends because they disagree with your cousin’s marriage?
Post # 13
OMG-I am very sorry that you and your Fiance are going through this. I agree with Lilyfaith and the other posts. This is the ONE post that I think has ever made me feel so ANGRY ever! I would have such a hard time being civil to your FIL’s!!! Kudos to you for that. You didn’t say anything about what your Fiance has said, and I understand that your budget is low, however, I wouldn’t even give your Future In-Laws the chance to even “pull their money” from your wedding budget. I would Decline it so fast their heads would spin. I just wish I could help you come up with a plan/way to raise funds so you didn’t have to take their money!!! I am not a professional wedding planner, but I have found many many ways to cut costs and save money for bees that have low budget weddings, if there is ANY way at this point in your planning that I can help you cut costs or find what you want for a lower price, PLEASE feel free to contact me. I find this so dsirespectful in so many ways, I wish their was more time to help you raise money so that you would have what you need for your reception, so you could tell the Future In-Laws to keep their money!!! Because that is exactly what I would do. I don’t understand religions that exclude people due to their differences. LOVE ONE ANOTHER is the creed is my belief. I hope that your Fiance can diffuse some of the rift that is occuring between your families. And definitely invite Bryan AND Sam. (Just for the record, I am a woman married to a man).
Post # 14
So sorry you had to experience this. Support your cousin and his partner! I’d simply send them an invitation and tell them that they are family. And that love is something worthy of everybody!
Look, not all conservatives believe that so don’t think that’s the case. I may be politically conservative but that’s fiscal. Most of my friends who are think as I do (and Laura Bush) that love and marriage is for everybody!!! I too have good friends who have been partners for over a decade and raised my friend J’s son. They were wonderful wonderful loving parents and so devoted to each other as partners. I remember thinking how I wanted to find somebody who’d love me just as much as J’s partner/husband loved him.
This is a very creative place. We can help you stretch a dollar and in the end, maybe just maybe they (your soon to be IL’s) might learn a valuable lesson in love. I am hoping this will happen. I hope they choose love over division.
Cheers to you standing strong. When you discuss this with them, do so with kindness, gentleness, yet stand your ground. Stand tall with love! If you handle this well, it could make a huge difference and maybe help change misguided perceptions.
Post # 15
Good response Bellanga
I would hope that I could handle this situation with kindness and gentleness and stand my ground too. But I posted with my opinion, not how I may react with others in person. I get so frustrated when some people think this type of behavior being okay. It makes me sad to see that the level of intolerance and hate in this world increase against others. I really do try to treat others how I wish to be treated. 🙂 May Peace and Love be with All of Us.
Post # 16
It blows my mind how anybody could judge another. And it’s so unnecessary and cruel.
When I was younger (college) I was much more reactionary than I am now. I am so blessed to have been able to live and experience so much and meet people who are different than I am. When you get to know (and really like or love) people who are very different from say, how you were raised, it is so freeing.
I used to love going to lectures with my friend J. He and I had sparkling conversations, he was so witty, smart, and I love his way he can cut to the heart of a subject and solve problems. He and his partner were the first openly gay couple I ever hung out with and I loved them dearly! I have 2 good friends from college who are, and knowing them has been amazing. It’s funny, but I don’t even think of it when I’m around them. Nor do they think about me being hetero either. It is us. We’re happy. all of us happy! <3 !
Maybe the love chapter from the Good Book needs to be read aloud during the ceremony imho. Love hopes all things, believes all things. endures all things and it never fails!