Honest advice please

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

I’m sorry it’s making you feel this way :(.  Sometimes people just don’t want the attention that goes along with a wedding, he may be uncomfortable with the constant congratulations and questions.  It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or want to be married to you.  Just my two cents from knowing someone like this!

Post # 3
Member
3752 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

He shows you he loves you through his actions instead of words. Some people just aren’t good at vocalizing their love for whatever reason. Have you noticed if he’s the same way around family? Do they often talk about feelings or do they shy away from it? This isn’t really something you can change or hope will change. Just continue to appreciate the ways that he does show you he loves you. 

Post # 4
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

versace :  It sounds like he was always like this so you should not have expected this to change since getting engaged.

You need to be careful saying ‘he is not expressive at all with his emotions’, have you read the 5 love languages?  He may not be as vocal as you but I would imagine every time he cooks you dinner or takes you on holiday he is saying ‘I love you’ but you aren’t hearing it. 

Post # 5
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

What is he like on his birthdays or other celebrations?

Post # 6
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper

I’d recommend reading up on love languages.  Everyone is different.  He sounds like he’s “acts of service” and you’re a words affirmation girl.  It will make for some enlightening reading.  He may also be a private person, there is nothing wrong with that.  He doesn’t feel the need to tell complete strangers in a store [it’s not like when women shoe shop lol] that it’s his bachelor party.  He sounds like a confident, and secure person and a keeper.

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Fiance is the same way, and it took me awhile to get used to it but he expresses love in a different way than I do. He will never be vocal about his feelings. His “love language” is acts of service so when he changes the oil or checks tire pressure or 100 other little things he does – that is him telling me he loves me. Since I came to understand that I see each one as him telling me that he loves me. 

We may not all speak the same “love language” but we can all learn to be bilingual lol. Just like you can learn his, he can learn yours and it will make life together so much better.

Post # 8
Member
10069 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Agree that it sounds like you guys have different love languages. My Darling Husband is a lot like your Fiance, he isn’t in to words of affirmation and expressing his feelings but he shows his love through acts of service and gift giving.

There isn’t anything wrong with being one or the other, you just need to figure out what ways he shows love so that you can recognize it.

Post # 9
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Seconding reading about love languages! My fiance and I had a similar problem early on in our relationship and learning about these really helped us communicate.

Post # 11
Member
2099 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

When we got engaged, we posted something on Facebook and pretty much everyone liked that post. People we hadn’t spoken to in years were liking this update and commenting. It was so overwhelming to me. Then I went into work on the Monday, we’d been away for the weekend but nobody was in really until the Tuesday and so people sort of forgot I’d been away, so didn’t ask. I was not comfortable walking into work and telling them I’d gotten engaged, I found it such a weird thing to bring up in conversation anyway, let alone at work. It was also nice not having the stream of constant congratulations. So nobody knew at my work. I had to then try and find ways of bringing it up because I didn’t have my engagement ring then either.

Not telling my colleagues hurt my husband but I didn’t do it on purpose. He knew I was happy to be engaged but didn’t understand why I wasn’t sharing that news but generally I don’t share a lot anyway (apart from an anonymous Internet forum obviously). That’s my character generally. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband or that I wasn’t excited to be with him and get married to him.

If you feel he isn’t expressing his love I would PP and check out love languages.

Post # 12
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

versace :  I struggled with this for a long time with my husband. He is not good at vocalizing how he feels about me, and for the longest time I pushed him on it. I finally just tried to open my eyes and realize that he just shows his love differently. He’s very touchy feely all of the time, which I love! he’s very affectionate toward me, regardless of who is around, which is one of my favorite things about him. I’ve realized that we just have two different love languages..and while that may suck at times, it’s okay. The rare occasions that he is verbal with me on his feelings, I make sure I praise him for and tell him how much those things mean to me. I’ve had discussions with him and have told him that sometimes I need to hear something sweet from him, and he’s genuinely worked toward getting better at it (though he’s still not great at it, but he tries which is all that matters to me). Maybe you need to have an honest conversation with him about it.. but you probably also need to lower your expectations. 

Post # 13
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Eldorado Canyon State Park

It sounds to me like he expresses his love, just in actions more than words (the dinners, the holidays). It’s just a different “communication” style, not necessarily worse. I understand how it can feel “off” though if you are a more verbal style of communicator. 

As for the co-worker thing, I guess I don’t know how close he is with them? Are they friends? I don’t think my fiancé “announced” to anyone at his job, they’re not that close, and he’s a private person, but as long as he didn’t try to deny my existence/relationship in front of them if we ever met, it wouldn’t feel sketch to me. 

I am not trying to condescend with this at all. I think you and I share similar styles of thinking and communicating, as do our fiancés. It took me a while to get used to, too, but after 8+ years I’ve figured it out! Keep paying attention for the little ways each day that he demonstrates (rather than professes) his love and I bet you’ll find a ton! 🙂

Post # 15
Member
3095 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Accessories
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    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Food
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    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Shoes
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    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>40 Something
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Encore
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Full Figured
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    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>African American
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Intercultural
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Latino
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>E Asian
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>S Asian
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Se Asian
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Military

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    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Catholic
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Christian
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Interfaith
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Jewish
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Muslim
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Secular
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Pagan

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    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Gifts
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Paper
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Money
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Photos/Videos
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Rings
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Tech
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Theme
    <li class=” ” style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 5px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; float: none; position: relative;”>Logistics

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