(Closed) Honest Recap regarding the ‘Kids at the Wedding’ Issue

posted 8 years ago in Recaps
Post # 3
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

wow, i was curious to read this only because it is a non-issue for me as i am having a small destination wedding. if there are kids there, i don’t think it will affect anything.  so i haven’t read all the other threads about kids at weddings.  but reading your story made me completely understand why some people choose to have child-free weddings. i feel for you, really i do. it all sounds highly unfair that you were so criticized.  i also find it so difficult to understand why those people insisted on bringing their kids. i don’t have kids either, but i don’t see why a baby-sitter for one evening is so impossible??  and in the future whenever i do have kids and i am invited to a kid-free wedding, i cannot imagine thinking negatively of the couple because of their wedding choices! every wedding is different! i would get a baby-sitter and that’s it! or if i couldn’t get one, i would perhaps not come to the wedding, but certainly i would not make the bride feel bad or responsible!

i hope there are many other aspects of your wedding that went wonderfully and that you have many more good and happy memories than this issue.

Post # 4
4605 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I really appreciate you writing this post.

Fiance and I have also discussed the kids vs no kids issue and we are both kind of on the no kids boat. I want my neice in the wedding, he wants his nephew. My neice and nephew are wonderful and well behaved. FI’s sister’s kids are wonderful and well behaved. FI’s brother’s kids are horrible and basically a nightmare. They ruined FI’s brother’s wedding. (The kids were from his wife’s first marriage.) And when I say ruined, I mean ruined. My MOH’s kid is the same way.

Luckily, we don’t have very many people that we plan to invite with kids. But there’s still the issue of hurting someone’s feelings. Both my family and FI’s family are all about including children in everything, and I’m not a kid person. At all.

While we still have a while to decide, I’m not sure how to go about handling it. There would only be 6 kids if we did include them, but half of them are horrible. And it is my day, well, my few hours. I would hope that some people would understand and enjoy a few hours away from their kids, but I already know that others are going to furious. And, since you were honest, I’m going to be honest too. If Future Brother-In-Law and his wife get mad, they can just deal with it. I don’t like her, she doesn’t like me… It’s not a big deal if they don’t come.

So, in the end, it’ll probably just be limited to FSIL’s kids and my neice. I know, we’re being selective and to some it sounds really selfish. And I’ll admit that it is, to an extent… but it’s the one day that I want to go mostly right…


Post # 5
10287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow, I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this non-sense. It still amazes me that people get so bent out of shape about their children not being invited to weddings. We’re only inviting those who are in our wedding party (my 3 cousins) and any kids from out of town (FI’s 5 cousins). If anyone has a problem with this, they don’t have to come.

Post # 6
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Yeah this is really sad.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there will be quite a few kids at our wedding, but because i want them there.  I can see having to almost give in on the brother traveling from out of town and whose wife was in the wedding also.  But i’m suprised at the locals.  I would think hiring a babysitter for a “date” night, which would be a romantic evening with adults would be something they would love.  I just don’t get dragging your kids everywhere with you.  Seems to me, also, the people that do that have the worst behaved kids.

Post # 7
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m in the pro kids camp, because as a child, some of my favorite memories are attending family member’s weddings.  I enjoyed them more then than I do now.  I’ll be honest, if my (unborn lol) children were not invited and I had to travel many hours to attend a wedding (i.e. it would need to be a weekend tirip), I’d be a bit frustrated with the situation.  But if child care was really a problem, I’d choose not to attend and send the couple a very nice card/gift apologizing for the situation.

That being said, I can’t believe the audacity of some people.  If they couldn’t be away from their children for 4 hours (and it sounds like they all lived in town), they didn’t have to come.  It seems like some people chose not to come.  That was their decision given the options.  They shouldn’t be holding a grudge with you.  Any friend that is still holding that against you isn’t really a friend. Try explaining that to your husband, who should be on your side.  You acted graciously, and I’m sorry that your guests are still acting so rude/childish.  People don’t understand how ridiculously expensive and stressful it is to plan a wedding.

Post # 9
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@christalynn11: Ick.  Yeah, I do remember weddings from when I was 5 and up, but if the wedding wasn’t kid friendly I’d at least take you up on the offer to have child care, which was very thoughtful of you.  Some people are weird about who watches their kids, though.  Especially babies.  Since I don’t have any children yet, I can’t really comment on that.   While I’m looking forward to kids at the reception, part of me is worried about the extra “interruptions” during the ceremony.  Again, your family put you in a crappy position, and I think you handled it as best you could.

Post # 10
57 posts
Worker bee

These people did not care that we had been willing to arrange and pay for childcare at our own home.

Really????  I would’ve jumped on the chance to have free childcare in order to enjoy a night out with my husband and other adults.  I can’t believe people chose to miss a nice evening out because they couldn’t bring their kids with them.  That’s just crazy.

I can’t believe the sense of entitelment people have these days.  Sorry you are dealing with all of this!

Post # 12
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I am so sorry this just is awful.


Would you consider sending an e-mail out to the families that are still upset? And just say something along the lines of “I wanted to take a minute to apologize if I offended you in my decisions, but I felt my wedding was not a child appropriate event and wanted to come to a decision that would work for everyone”. And maybe explain the budget, capacity constraits and that you were really hoping this could be a fun night out for the adults.

I don’t personally believe you have any reason to apolgoize, you didn’t do anything wrong. But it might help to make the peace.

Post # 13
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I can’t believe you offered to do so much, and no one took you up on that.  I don’t have kids, but I cannot believe that someone could get so mad about children not being invited to an evening wedding.  The fact that they still aren’t talking to you, is ridiculous.  Your husband needs to 100% support you on this, I can’t imagine it was your decision alone.  And do you really need to foot the bill for dozens of additional children.

I would do my best to ignore the people that are still angry, they are petty and need to move on with their lives.

Post # 14
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I guess its harder because its family, but I feel like anyone who made that big a deal of this kind of thing would pretty much be doing me a favor by not talking to me again. People are ridiculous. I don’t care if your kid likes weddings, it’s not my job to provide a happy experience for them. The wedding is not about your kid or you. Its about us! 

Post # 15
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Wow, these people are completely overreacting. I’m sorry that happened to you.

We had four children at our wedding (including a two month old), but luckily didn’t have any of the problems that you did. This is such a hard decision to make, and I wish parents would be more understanding of that. It’s their right to decide not to come, but it’s not okay to hold a grudge over something that is, in the grand scheme of things, so not worth it.

Post # 16
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

Awww, I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m always surprised at how not understanding people can be.

My two cents as a parent. I was the first of my friends to have kids. I have attended probably 8-10 weddings in the last seven years since I had her. Twice she has been explicitly invited on the invitation-her name printed on the invitation. I took her to both. The first one she was 2.5ish and she had fun running around but was not up for eating dinner or sitting for the toasts, etc. We left very early. Besides a newborn, she was the ONLY child there. I had assumed because she was invited so were other kids. It was not a good experience for anyone involved.

The second one, was a very dear friend. I knew that having my daughter there was important to him and by this point I was a single mother and loathed the idea of attending the wedding alone. I did miss the ceremony because my then 4 year old was just not going to sit through the hour long wedding mass on a hot summer day. She had a blast at the reception. She was seated with me and another couple we knew with a young child. There were two other childless couples seated with us. She had a welcome bag at her seat with crayons, a coloring book, sunglasses and a plastic “wine” glass. There was also a table set up with a paper tablecloth the kids could decorate. This couple really wanted a family friendly wedding and you could tell. It was also daytime which helped a lot.

The other weddings I’ve attended either with a date or solo. My daughter is not the kind of child who can sit patiently through an entire wedding, especially an evening event. Plus, Mama needs a night out once in a while. As a guest, I would never, ever, ever ask or assume that my child was invited to the wedding. I either get a sitter or I don’t go. No one should be making you feel badly about this!

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