(Closed) Honest unbiased advice please?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Hostess
7553 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

All relationships have their push and pull, things are not perfect all the time. However, it doesn’t seem like you’re happy at all. Why are you together? Is it simply because you have been together for a while? Because you’re afraid of being alone? Neither of those are good reasons to continue to be unhappy in my mind. Of course it’s scary starting a new path but sometimes that means it’s the right thing. You can find so much happiness in new things like meeting new people and trying new things. Best of luck!

Post # 3
Member
510 posts
Busy bee

We have relationships because we get happiness out of it. Once you stop getting happiness, there is no point in staying. You’re so young, it may seem lik you have no options, and yes it is terrifying, but you’ll pull through!! If anything, look at it as an opportunity. You’ve already proven you can make a drastic life change with very little fear. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Based on this post you sound miserable, you haven’t listed one good thing about your relationship.  Relationships should have way more happy and good times than bad times.  It’ll suck for a little bit to get back on your feet but if you were able to move far away no problem you can do it.  If you have no money you could get a job and save up enough to get an apartment first before you leave.

Could you reapply for that scholarship?  You have options and you are young so if you leave, in almost no time at all you will be back on your feet and this will be a minor blip in your life.  Leaving is going to open up a whole world of wonderful opportunities and people 🙂

Post # 5
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Oh honey,

your post made me sad because it reminded me of myself at your age. I met a guy at 18 when I had low self-confidence. We moved in at 20 and I was miserable until 25 when I finally had the guts to leave. I used to cry on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night by the final year. Despite my unhappiness it was so so hard to leave. I told myself that I was expecting too much and that my SO was a good man (in many ways he was). Yes relationships are not rosy all the time, but you should definitely feel happy more often than you feel sad. I tried to break up with my boyfriend over the course of several months and he always talked me out of it. Eventually I was visiting my best friend and sister in another town and the minute I stepped off the plane, I knew I had to break up for good. I did it over the phone. And it was like the biggest weight was lifted from my shoulders. I had been so worried about him – what would he do without me, how could I cause so much pain to him…. It’s your life. If you aren’t happy that’s not your fault – you tried. As for the STD you’d be surprised to know how many of my friends landed one of those. It’s not the end of the world. Don’t make the mistake i did. I am now happily married to a wonderful man. You will be happier than this!! Best of luck!!! 

Post # 6
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Get a job, get a life of your own and leave this guy. You have a lot of life ahead of you. Don’t waste any more time being unhappy with him just because you’re scared. Life is hard, but when you’re happy all of the struggle is worth it.

Post # 7
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

NO, all relationships are not like that, and you should not feel that way all the time. I don’t think leavinh would be as scary as being unhappy for the rest of your life. 

Post # 8
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Move back home and go to school. Am I understanding you correctly that you are completely financially dependent on this boyfriend? Is there a reason you don’t work? Your dependency is forcing you to stay in an unhappy relationship. You’re way too young for that.

Post # 9
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

I would say that you already know that this relationship us making you unhappy and fear is keeping you from cutting ties. I think the best thing you could do is live for you.  What I mean by this is focus on you and what u need to be happy. I am not sure if u have a job sorry. .. so what I would do is start from scratch. Find a job or anything that can make you financially independent. With that comes the opportunity to try moving out?  Perhaps a flat share near your partner that will give you some space? Then from there socialise. Get out join clubs or gaming groups?  Anything that can widen your social circle and bring some joy into your life. If at this point you and your partner are no better off it is definitely time to walk away. You could always consider going home? Getting back and getting ur self a job and friends and once you take that plunge a few weeks later you will be so grateful you did. Being in a relationship is all well and good assuming u both make each other better happier people. If you feel you aren’t it’s not the relationship or the man for you.  Time will bring you someone you can open up to and find some.happiness. trust me I was with a right awful man for 3.5 years and I learned a lot and thought I would never find anyone better but I can’t explain how happy I feel on a daily basis now. You can do it! X

Post # 10
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

You’re not over-reacting. This is not how every relationship is. You should not be angry and sad the majority of the time. YOU SHOULD GO. You should either get a job where you are or move back to your friends/family and get a job there. Then look at getting your scholarship back (or a different one). You simply tell him that it’s not working out and you don’t think all the arguing is healthy for either one of you, so you’re leaving. Pure and simple. He’ll be upset. But he’ll get over it. And so will you.

Post # 11
Member
11519 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

EvanescentTranquility:  Big Hugs.

As PPs have said, you remind me of me at your age.

All relationships have their good days and their bad days but the good days should far outweigh the good.  To paraphrase Charlotte York (can’t resist a good SATC reference) Darling Husband makes me happy every day, not all day every day, but every day. 

If you’re not happy and you spend more time miserable than enjoying yourself you should move on, your relationship has run its course.

 

Post # 12
Member
297 posts
Helper bee

There are men out there that will shower you with love. Men that will ask you if you are happy, what you need, what you want – and then go out and make that happen. Men that will surprise you with flowers and rub your feet. Men that will make you feel like you’re dreaming. Don’t waste your time and happiness on someone that doesn’t put in the effort.

I was in a relationship that dragged me down from 20 to 24. Most of the time I hated him and myself. The other times he was an amazing boyfriend. It was one extreme to the next and it drove me crazy. I made excuses for everything I hated about him and waited for it to get better all the time. Then I realized things don’t get better – people do. So after 4 years, without him putting in any effort to make me happy, i kicked his ass to the curb. Only difference is, by that time I had a 7 month old baby with him.

It takes guts and lots of heartbreak but believe me when I tell you leaving was the best thing I did. EVER. And now I have a boyfriend, whom I described in the first paragraph 🙂

Post # 13
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee

First thing you need to do is research. Research local job listings, find yourself employment and set up a local bank account so you have a separate place for your money. Once you have enough saved for rent, find an apartment. You say you don’t have a car, so make sure your job is within walking distance, or that you can take the bus.

Then get out of there, because you can’t assume things will get better and they sound pretty bad. Even if you love him, if he shuts you down when you are only trying to express an opinion, he is not interested in your feelings and your needs. This is not the behavior of a good man, or one that truly cares for the well-being of the one he claims to love.

Post # 14
Member
488 posts
Helper bee

Do you think it would help if you lived on your own,  as in without his brother + extras? When i moved to be with my partner he brought up sharing with another couple but i put my foot down knowing it would put a strain on everything. When we go home for holidays sometimes we spend some time at his best mates (and wifes) house and i hate it. The whole dynamic of our relationship changes.

It might not fix everything (or anything),  and it could make things more complicated if you got your own place and things dont work out. But i think its really important to give it a go and live as a couple, not as a share house presumably dominated by guys.

 ETA. Just reread your post and you did mention this sorry. I hope it works out, whatever you end up deciding.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  panda87.
Post # 15
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

Either (a) get your scholarship back and find yourself in school or (b) get a job and save money to leave.

It sounds like there is no reason to stay. You didn’t mention once that he made you happy. There are tons of men out there that wouldn’t do something selfish like have sex with you without warning you of any potential issues stemming from that. 

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