(Closed) honeyfund vs gift registery (rude to put in the invite) need opinions please

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Is it rude to include our honeyfund website on a card in the wedding invite
    Rude...have it only word of mouth : (69 votes)
    63 %
    Yes include it...how would they know what to give you? : (30 votes)
    27 %
    other: please explain : (11 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    1695 posts
    Bumble bee

    pglt09:  First, weddingmaven is a godsend to this website, and you won’t go wrong by heeding her advice (except on the one or two teeny places where I disagree, of course, in which case I’m the one who’s right 🙂 )

    Second, I do not know anyone outside of a nursing home, including people in their 90s, who doesn’t know how to use the internet well enough to find a registry or use an R.s.v.p. website. The ones who ARE in nursing homes have nurses to help them r.s.v.p., and the person I know who is most likely to screw up a simple computer task is my 26-year-old grand-niece. For that matter, my 83-year-old brother is the desktop-virus-cleaning and setup specialist for his small town and I built my first household website in 1994. So you can generally stop worrying about your elderly relatives and just concentrate on the relatives whom you know to be computer-illiterate.

    Third, I am a stickler for traditional propriety and a huge fan of registries — but I despise “gift” registries. A traditional household registry is a plan for collecting your heirloom-quality household necessities over the years. If you didn’t start one when you were ten or eleven, start one now. Think about the future you want: thanksgiving dinners with children and inlaws ’round the laden board, peparing the guestroom for a houseguest with clean linen sheets and fresh flowers in a porcelain vase, rocking grandchildren in a comfortable rockingchair set next to a small bookcase filled with classic books. Or whatever your vision is. It’s your responsibility to equip your home, not your guests’; but guests often want to help. So if they care to, they will find your registry, and choose a gift for you that is informed by your registry and the insight it gives them into your tastes and plans. You don’t need to ‘help’ them.

    Now, I am a huge fan of bone china, sterling, linen and crystal. But I am aware that not everyone is. Not everyone envisions grandchildren and dinner-parties. Some people find it easier to store awesome memories of collected experiences in their tiny inner-city highrise apartments, than a seven-course dinner service for fourteen. I get that. So, bucking the accepted norm for internet etiquette mavens, I am actually quite accepting of honeymoon registries. Shared experiences can be every bit as valuable to your marriage as shared Wedgewood. Feel free to put one on the web somewhere. Guests who are interested in helping you collect experiences will google and find it. It’s their choice — but it’s your responsibility. Don’t put a registry card in your invitation.

    Don’t even put a separate website card in your invitation. The fewer inserts in your invitation; the more formal, dignified and proper it is. You can put the R.s.v.p. information in small font on the bottom left corner of your invitation itself, like this:

    R.s.v.p. at
    http://www.mywebsite.wed

    Incidentally, this is one place where we the geriatric crowd would appreciate your consideration. Don’t make your small print smaller than 10pt. Our minds don’t go when we cross the senior-citizenship line, but our eyesight starts to go before that.

    If your long-time household planning list (or your mutual-experience bucket list) happens to be on the same website, or be linked from the same website, well, you’re not forcing them to do anything more at your website than R.s.v.p. If they explore the website, that too is their choice.

    Incidentally, in my social circle we do not generally give cash gifts. So when I see a small registry, I don’t assume they want cash, I assume they simply don’t need very much stuff to complete their plans. If people in your social circle have different norms, they might get the “I want cash” message, or they might not.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  .
    Post # 47
    Member
    728 posts
    Busy bee

    Yes thats really rude (which I really didn’t know until I got into the “wedding planning world” but apparently thats a big no no!) I agree with PP, put your website info & then put your registry info on the website only, unless people directly ask you of course

    Post # 48
    Member
    2130 posts
    Buzzing bee

    MrsBeck:  Thanks! I didn’t know you could Google search them! I’m from NZ and I think wedding etiquette is a lot less formal here. I’ve also never actually been to a wedding so totally clueless in most aspects! 

    Post # 49
    Member
    942 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    Are you having a bridal shower? You can include you’re honeyfund along with bridal shower invite? Or is that rude as well? What if you don’t want a wedding website? 

    Post # 50
    Member
    8324 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    fascinated:  

    Absolutely.  I wonder who all these  “older  people who don’t know how  get on to the Internet ” are?   I sure as hell don’t know any and I’m  willing to bet the   age cohort of my family and friends is older than the OP’s! 

    Post # 51
    Member
    365 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    I’m in the UK and having the registry info included as a seperate slip in with the invite is totally normal here. If anything I’d be a bit miffed that I had to go hunting for the information. 

    Post # 52
    Member
    4534 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    pglt09:  I had no gift registry nor any kind of wishing well and most people gave us cash.  we ended up with around 14k. I wouldnt put anything  anywhere and if people ask you or family then tell them. I think lots of people these days know that cash is always helpful…

    Post # 53
    Member
    530 posts
    Busy bee

    We have an extra card labeled “Guest Information” (it’s much smaller than the invite – 3.5″ x 5″) It mentions dress code and the website and these types of things. We will be including it in the invite suite.

     

    Post # 54
    Member
    382 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Each to their own but I personally hate anything that tells me I have to do such and such as a gift. I get that you don’t want a pile of stuff for your home but there is something a little presumptuous about asking for money for anything for me.

    I have never been to a wedding where I haven’t gifted something to the bride and groom and usually it is cash but when I get one of those poems in my invitations, I do think it’s a bit demanding telling me my gift won’t be appreciated unless it’s a cheque or donation to honeymoon. I know a lot of people who are cool with it but for me, you aren’t just asking for gifts which can come across rude, you are dictating what that gift is allowed to be.

    I’m not a massive stickler for etiquette but to me it’s just basic manners not to ask for gifts so boldly. Including them in your invite comes across as ‘if you want to come, don’t forget you have to pay’ which for me is a no no.

    Most people know it’s standard to gift something at a wedding so will ask what you’d like but it isn’t mandatory and personally, I’m just happy for people to show up at my wedding whether they bring a gift or not. 

    Post # 55
    Member
    530 posts
    Busy bee

    We don’t have a honeyfund or anything like that – the only reason we even registered anywhere was because my mother and aunt insisted we needed to for the traditional gift givers (whatever that means). I was hoping the poem was worded nicely enough to really convey that we truly do not want anything (Our honeymoon will be paid for by us as well.)

    Our website actually has a lot of information as far as travel arrangements and hotel blocks go because it’s a destination wedding for a lot of people. We have very discreetly put a link to our two registries in a corner. 

    Oh! I forgot to mention the reason we are including anything is because we are not having a engagement party, bridal or couples shower beforehand.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Profile Photo A11eycat.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Profile Photo A11eycat.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Profile Photo A11eycat. Reason: Spelling
    Post # 56
    Member
    907 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    That poem is foul.

    Post # 57
    Member
    382 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Duplicate post deleted!

    Post # 58
    Member
    382 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    ironmaidelah:  The worst I’ve heard is…

    ‘So what do you get for the Bride and Groom,

    Who’s house needs things for every room?

    When shopping for a gift, please don’t be rash,

    As there’s always an option to just give us cash!

    We hope you don’t find our request to be funny,

    But we’d much prefer a gift of money!’

    I realise that OP didn’t ask for an opinion on this so I’m going off a bit but it just sounds so greedy to me to specify that you will only appreciate cash gifts. What happened to being grateful for what you are given? 

    The topic ‘honeyfund vs gift registery (rude to put in the invite) need opinions please’ is closed to new replies.

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