Post # 1
my fiance’s brother passed away a couple of years ago. he loved him more than anything in this world and he would have undoubtedly been his best man at our wedding. my fiance has been putting off and avoiding picking his wedding party and i’m sure a huge part it is because it pains him to think about his absence. my fiance has never brought it up, but do you think i should ask if he would like to commemorat/honor his brother at our wedding? does anyone have any suggestions of how we can do this without it being to painful for his family but as a reminder that he is still with us in memory and spirit? or should i not ask unless he brings it up? i’m so conflicted bc i know we’re always thinking about his brother, everyday, and to avoid it on our wedding day would be ignoring the elephant in the room. at the same time, i know it’s a painful thing and i don’t know if by bringing it up, it will open doors of conflict for him on how to feel at our wedding. or maybe our wedding is not the right place for it and he wouldn’t appreciate it? anyone have any experience dealing with this? thank you!!
Post # 3
Hi … Check out this thread from a bunch of us with thoughts and ideas on this situation …. http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/honoring-a-deceased-family-member
Post # 4
I did bouquet charms for all the deceased members of my family, including my dad and grandparents. They are beautiful and I like that they are right there with me at the altar.
I got them here
I think you should just talk to your fiance and see how he would like to handle it. He may have something in mind or may want to ignore it altogether.
Post # 5
My mother passed away about 3 years ago, and it is very important for me to feel like she is with me throughout my wedding day. So, I purchased an inexpensive antique locket off of ebay and put my mother’s picture in it. My florist is going to attach the locket to my bouquet. I like this idea because I will be able to feel the locket and know it is there, but to my wedding guests, it will look like a trinket or decoration on the bouquet. (I wanted to avoid making anybody overly sad.) My sisters and I will also each be placing a flower where my mother would have been sitting during the ceremony.
Maybe you could do something similar on your fiance’s boutonniere? You also could attach similar lockets to your future inlaw’s boutonnieres and corsages.
Post # 6
both my husband and i lost both our dads. we had a little note in our program and displayed portraits of them at the reception.
Post # 7
My cousin passed away a year ago next week, he was very young, only 23. Both of my grandmothers have passed as well as my fiance’s uncle. Instead of doing ‘favors’ we’re donating to The American Heart Association and Donate Life (my cousin received a heart transplant years ago – although this did not contribute to his death) and getting the bracelets and putting them at everyone’s plates along with a note. We also will have flowers at the front of the church and put a note in the program acknowledging their spirits with us on that day.
Post # 8
The bouquet charms are nice but since its someone that was really important to your fiance, what if you did something so he can feel like he’s there with him. They have photo locket cufflinks. That might be a neat way for him to privately feel that he is there and then do a more public acknowledgement through the program. You could also do a special flower in your bouquet to commemorate him, like if you had all red roses, you could do a white one to commemorate him. Just some ideas, hope they help! By The Way, here is a link at some photo cufflinks: http://www.cufflinks.com/enlocu.html or http://www.my-wedding-jewelry.com/peculiwiphlo.html
Post # 9
thank you all SO much for your wonderful suggestions/links and thoughful comments!!!
Post # 10
I’ll do the bouquet charm because he would have wanted to see me finally happy…after so much. It will be as if he’s walking me down the aisle.
I’m gonna have a white rose on the seat where he’d be too. he will be there. In spirit. And so will several close loved ones..I’ll have an area dedicated to my dad and to them.
It is something I dread doing/planning as next year will also make 10 years my dad has been gone and I’m getting married next summer, and he passed in June. 🙁 I can even think of this, him not being there, and the pain I have to say is still raw from the suddenness of it all. To know he won’t be there is so much. I love him. Miss him terribly.
Hugs and love to those here who have lost those close to their heart. (((bees))))
Post # 11
Aww, bellenga, I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. It sounds like you are doing a lot of beautiful things to remember him throughout your wedding day. I know he would be touched. Hang in there.
Post # 12
- Wedding: April 2011 - in the woods
What if you only have bridesmaids and groomsman, without the maid of honor or at least the best man? Maybe it’s hard for your finance to choose someone for the role his brother was going to have. And then you can honor the brother in the program, in the space that would be used for the best man’s name.
Post # 13
We had memorial candles for each of our grandparants on our guest book table as well as a note in our program. The candles were pretty easy to make, beautiful and several people commented on them saying they were happy to see we remembered those who couldnt be with us on our special day.
I think they idea of the cufflinks for your fiance and maybe his father and the locket for his mother are all lovely as well as possibly the special flower in your bouquet or not having a best man. But again these are all things to talk to your fiance about before hand to make sure he is ok with them.
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2021 - Oakland Manor
I’m also going the photo locket cufflinks, this way, my fiance’s father will be with him, but in an intimate personal way. We’re also doing photos of our parent’s weddings.
I really like idea of a locket for his mother, I hadn’t thought of that!
Post # 15
I would definitely honor him in some way, especially if he was so close to your brother. Yes it will be painful, but the occasion will be joyful, and while your fiance’s family may feel sad that he’s absent, they’ll also feel glad that he was honored, and thus there in their hearts.
You could have all of the groomsmen wear black velvet ribbons above their boutonnieres, or use them to tie the boutonnieres themselves. Then mention something about it in the program, saying something like, "The groom and groomsmen wear black ribbons today in honor of (brother’s name), who is with us in our hearts as we celebrate."
You could also have a moment of silence in the ceremony to honor those who are not with you that day.
I definitely think your fiance will be more honored that you are remembering his brother than sad to think of him. It will be bittersweet, but it would be awkward to avoid it.
Post # 16
PS – There’s a difference between honoring him to show that you care and making the brother the focus of the day. You can certainly toe that line gracefully. Just remember, his loss IS painful. Not mentioning it doesn’t make it less so. Just find a way to honor him that focuses on brining joy at his memory and inclusion to the people who loved him rather than pain.
My heart and condolences are with you in this difficult choice.