- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
Hi Bees, I need advice. Let me also preface this with saying if you don’t have anything constructive to add, please don’t comment (there have been a lot of negative people on here lately!).
My mom passed away 10 years ago. It was three weeks before my 23rd birthday and a week before Thanksgiving. It was hard then and it sometimes still is. Time has helped, but there are some days where it feels like I just lost her and the grief is overwhelming. To this day, I have a hard time sitting through movies where a mom is dead or anything that has anything to do with cancer patients without getting emotional. I’m also a private person and don’t share these feelings with many people. I just feel it, name it, and then move on. My sisters think I’m hard, but they don’t understand me. I’ve tried to tell them in the past that my grieving is different, but they say I’m just acting tough or I need to embrace my emotions, yada yada. It’s not that at all- it’s just that it still. really. hurts. It’s deep and private.
I’ve obviously sought help and with time and good strategies on how to heal, I’m better. I’m perfectly happy, I love my life, and I try to live it to the fullest. I’ve learned how to snap out of dwelling, how to limit worrying, and how to name what it is I’m feeling when I feel it. There’s nothing wrong with me- I just grieve a little differently from the rest of my family, namely my sisters. Which brings me to my problem.
On days that are particularly hard for me (her anniversary of passing, Mother’s Day, the first day of spring and summer- those were special days for us), I do things that make me happy and distract me. I try not to dwell. My sisters on the other hand like to spend these days and any other day reminiscing about her. I absolutely hate it. It’s not that I don’t like sharing my memories of her, but I like to do it organically, when the moment arises in context of the memory itself. I HATE how holidays turn into walks down memory lane, because they almost always leave me feeling really sad.
One sister recently asked me what my intentions were to honoring my mom on my wedding day. I told her I had none and she seemed upset and disappointed. She actually wanted something mentioned about my mother during the ceremony! NO WAY. UGH, I’m so frustrated! I DON’T want to share that day with anything that will send me spiraling into sadness. It’s hard enough planning my wedding without having her with me, I can’t imagine how tough it will be on the actual day itself. I have so many memories of my mom talking to me about my future when I was a teenager and then when she was ill. It devastates me that she never lived to see me graduate college or turn into the woman I am now. I just don’t want to be grieving on my wedding day! I was hoping I could be happy and excited, without feeling that knock-me-to-the-floor grief on my wedding day! I don’t want to see pictures of her on my wedding day, I don’t want a little memorial shrine to her- I just want one family celebration WITHOUT feeling sad! I can’t control how we as a family celebrate Christmas, but I can control my wedding day.
I’m stubborn so I don’t see myself losing this argument. However, I don’t want to cause raised eyebrows or have to explain my emotional state (because honestly it’s no one’s business) or come off as hard. Has anyone managed to pull off haveing a perfectly happy day without any downers successfully?