Post # 1
I got engaged on my 24th birthday to my boyfriend of 1 year 8 mos. I was in naples, Florida- I never liked the city but I stayed here for him. My whole family moved away- and I felt like he was the only person I had in town and I clung for dear life when I should have let go a while ago. Backstory- his family is very Christian. No drinking, dancing really, no sex before marriage, no R rated movies, no cursing, no taking trips together before marriage- etc. my fiancé is 25 and repeatedly tried to convince me that gay people were going to hell because they are gay, would be upset that I went on trips without him- but would never go because it wasn’t right in the eyes of God…. I am catholic and am a very spiritual girl but this was too extreme. When we got engaged, his mother told me that I should “get married in the next 4 months so we don’t live in sin anymore”. This was the day after our engagement. I was already overwhelmed with all of this- but accepted it because I loved him so much. My fiancé, though, didn’t have the same feelings towards my family. My parents are wild and travel a lot- free spirits, etc. They sometimes fight a lot, and my fiancé thought this was too toxic of an environment and wanted no part of it. He would always put up a fight to go to dinner with my parents, and when my uncle was in town, refused to see him. Would tell me that he was concerned that if we had kids- my family would be bad influences, and he wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving the kids with my mom. This stung more than he even know- because my mom was THE best mom growing up. Lastly, he was also controlling. He hated my sweet dog because he shed, and tried to force me to get rid of him- like an ultimatum. He was jealous of male coworkers I worked with, wouldn’t go with my family and I to look at wedding venues because he “didn’t like my dad”, and told me that I couldn’t have one of my closest friends be my bridesmaid because he used to “hook up with her in high school” and she was “too wild”. Personally, if I was not bothered by the situation, why should he be? Lastly, after we got engaged, he refused to talk about the wedding with anyone and told me he thought he wasn’t ready, but couldn’t ever leave me because he loves me so much.
I stopped being myself in this relationship. I became quiet, neat, and more plain. I stopped wearing high heels because he was short and hated me to be taller than him. I stopped wearing my high fashion clothes because he wanted me to “dress chill”. I gave up my dog and stopped hanging out with my friend that he didn’t like. And I’m so upset at myself.
I finally left him a week ago. He’s trying to act like my mom forced me to leave, and he claims we were “so in love” and it’s all my family’s fault. He told me over email two days ago that my mom will ruin my life and she will never let me be happy. He won’t take ownership. And he demands the ring back. I loved him so much in spite of all this. I feel like I am wrecked. How do you move on after a failed engagement? This was my first really long relationship and really bad breakup 🙁
Post # 2
First of all, good for you for ending that relationship. It sounds like you were not happy and that this relationship was not healthy. I commend you for that. Remember that it’s for the best.
As for moving on, it will take time. Take time for yourself. Get back to “you”. I would suggest getting a few close confidants that will be there for you. Can you reconnect with that friend? (If you think that would be beneficial to you.)
Just work on you and put yourself first.
Post # 3
I am very proud of you for getting out of that. He was manipulating you away from the people that love you. Never let someone else dim your light because they want to be the brightest in the room. I promise it would have gotten much worse after you were married.
Think of this as an exciting time. You get to reclaim your life and embrace everything that makes you-you. If religion is important to you, maybe find a new church. This could help you meet some new friends and could provide you with some great community support. Also, reach out to your parents and tell them what is going on. Family is so important. If you’re up to it, maybe moving to where your family is could be helpful.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2019 - -
Completely agree with PP that you made the right choice to end things. And you know what, you are SO much stronger than you know or might feel like right now because you got through the hardest part. Actually doing it, having that hard talk, walking away, ripping off the band aid. The worst is over and it’s only healing from here. It will take time of course, but be good to yourself and let it take time. Don’t feel like you need to rebound into anything.
Check out The Single Woman on FB/IG and she is also a published author. I spent years in a horrific roller coaster of a relationship through most of my twenties and The Single Woman really got me through some days when I finally ended it. I printed out some of her posts and taped them to my mirrors and made them my phone wall paper. Cherish yourself and this time to focus on you, and you will truly thank yourself for decades to come. Don’t look back bee. Best wishes Xx.
Post # 5
You posted this story again with different details. I’m not sure why.
Post # 6
Take time to heal. Take care of your own desires and needs, find yourself. When you are ready, accept only a,man who honors you.
Post # 7
piper628 : mistake haha:)
Post # 8
piper628 : I don’t know how this forum works and I thought my first one didn’t post. I left out details in the next one because I didn’t want to type as much. Simple mistake lol
Post # 9
Good for you for getting rid of this guy. A life with him and his narrow-minded family would have been hell on earth. I’d stay away from religious extremists in the future.
Post # 10
I know you’re hurting bee but you really did the best thing for yourself. I’d even say you dodged a bullet. Kudos for recognizing that and taking action.
We all have had breakups bee….its a part of growing up. You simply need to give yourself the time to grieve and know that the grief will come in waves and sometimes hit you when you least expect it or when you thought you were finally getting over it. Its something you can and WILL get through.
In the meantime be kind to yourself. Catch up on your hobbies/projects, Go have coffee with your friends, go visit your family. You’ll need this support.
Cut off ALL contact with him asap. He should no longer have any access to you and vice versa so that means block him on your phone & social media. This part is vital for your healing. Having contact with him only drags things out and may possibly set you back.
Post # 11
Honestly, good for you for getting out of that abusive relationship. He and his family sound like a bunch of wackos. Cut off all contact and block him from everything. Treat him as he is a cult member, because he kinda is.
Abusive people will make you feel like you’re the crazy one, that others put a wedge in your relationship; they take no accountability at all. He also sounds like a misogynistic pig (you’re firend can’t be a bridesmaid b/c they hooked up- WTF?!). If you end up with him I can almost guarantee you, you will be living a subservient lifestyle as a Stepford wife. Don’t be miserable, you hold the keys to your future! You can only move on and find a great partner if you put him behind you. You are also super young, enjoy your life.
Petty edit: I would personally go to a jeweler and get an estimate on how much the ring is worth, sell it, and move back with your parents. However, I feel like a lot of Bees here would disagree- if you do give it back make sure to mail it to him. DO NOT SEE HIM.
Post # 12
Girl, you’re going to be so much happier without this pathetic controlling dude in your life. It will take time for you to get your life back and rediscover who you are on your own but it will be so worth it! You will find someone that loves you for you and you’ll be so greatful you left this toxic relationship sooner than later.
Post # 13
Deep down you know that you did the right thing. It’s normal to feel sad and hurt after any break up, in the end you shared some good moments.
So let yourself cry and mourn, but always keep in mind why you left him. You’re going to be stronger and wiser. If anything, you’ve learnt some very important life lessons and you’re going to be ok.
Hugs Bee, for all you’ve went through.
Post # 14
OMG, Bee. You were nearly inducted into a cult. This guy had you thoroughly brainwashed and he would have done the same and worse to your future children.
Cease all contact with him, NOW! Block him on everything. You can’t start healing while his insanity is running in the background.
You may want to speak with a therapist about being evaluated for possible PTSD. Seriously.
There are many resources online for survivors who escape from controlling and abusive relationships. There is also such a thing as religious abuse. Dr Marlene Winell has identified Religious Trauma Syndrome. Link below.
Post # 15
acornsandapples : “Petty edit: I would personally go to a jeweler and get an estimate on how much the ring is worth, sell it, and move back with your parents.”
OP shouldn’t do this before checking the law in her state. In many place you are legally obligated to return a ring if the wedding does not take place.
Paige3 : OP, you did the right thing. You were young and inexperienced, but it’s clear that this man is not the one for you. Your life would be something you do not recognize and you were already starting to lose yourself to his controlling ways. For now, go cold turkey. Delete him from all social media and contacts and move on with the support, love, and distraction of your friends and family. You wouldn’t be human if it wasn’t upsetting, but one day soon you will look back and be very grateful.