Post # 1
Hi. So I’m engaged. We are to be married in early Nov of this year. I’ve been slowly getting to meet his friends and family and up until the past couple of days – everything has been pretty wonderful. He hasn’t been super amped to announce to the world about me – but he’s always had valid reasons and he’s a private person, so I didn’t really worry too much about it. And the important folks in his life know about me and have met me, so I could justify it. A few days ago, I got the chance to meet some work friends of his and the entire meeting was just… odd and uncomfortable. The first words to me out of one of his friend’s mouths was “So are you the girl he got pregnant?” It took all I had to not show my shock and horror at such a question. Because no – i am not that girl – didn’t know there WAS a girl! She also laid into him because apparently when they last hung out 4 months ago (we were dating at the time), he had told her he was going to continue to “play the field”. Apparently – he was a bit of a player… which doesn’t align with the personality of the man that I’ve come to know and love. I made it through the dinner, and waited until we got home to ask questions. It’s taken 3 days, but I’ve now come to learn that the first month we were dating, he was dating others. Not only that, but when he’d told me he was exclusive with me in the bedroom – that was a lie. Now supposedly, he’s been faithful and focused on me since December… but I’m not happy with this news. And it’s not just the sex… it’s the lie. At that point in our relationship – I knew he wasn’t “All in” yet – I would have understood and handled it like a mature adult – but instead – he lied to me. Which is just silly on his part and shows that he didn’t trust in me or my ability to react like an adult. He’s now worried that I’m going to change my mind about getting married. I’m not – at least, I don’t think so. I’m happy and completely in love with this man, but I am finding myself hesitating a bit as I process through all I heard and learned in the past couple of days. We’ve talked through things… healthy communication is something I strive for in all of my relationships – be it friendship or romantic ones. He does seem genuinely invested in our future and hasn’t given me any reason to doubt his fidelity as of Dec. But… how do I help him understand that I need honesty and transparency. That I can handle hearing truth and not do the stereotypical “girl” thing and freak out. How do I help him understand that he’s damn lucky that i’m not freaking out and that I’m ok with continuing to move forward – but that there can’t be mistrust or lies between us. I’ve said all of that – but i’m not sure he is really “getting it”. Is it unreasonable for me to want to reset expectations a little bit? To say “I’m all in on this – either you are and you shout that from the damn rooftops if you have to, or this can’t continue.”? What would you all do or say in my place? Help me process through all of this!
Post # 2
Did he actually get someone pregnant while dating you?
I have no advice because I would definitely not be confident that the man is trustworthy at all.
Post # 3
It makes me sad that you’re worried about coming across as a “stereotypic girl.” He lies and cheated and probably gaslights. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Post # 4
I think you should be freaking out. He apparently got another woman pregnant while you were dating (what happened with that – it just disappears from your story!!!) and told his friend FOUR MONTHS AGO that he was still messing around. He hasn’t been honest with you and when his lies were exposed it took you days to get an answer, which frankly, I would doubt is the full truth. I think you need to open your eyes. He’s not “private” – he doesn’t announce your engagement because he doesn’t want his separate worlds combining, or for you to find out how many other women he’s sleeping with. He is a cheater who had his lies exposed, and I’m concerned that you don’t seem to see what’s happening.
Post # 5
Have you only been dating for 4 months? And already engaged to this person?
Post # 6
Nothing about this is ok.
He was hiding you from people, lying to you, talking openly about being a player with other people, and cheating on you. The fact that he claims to have been faithful for a mere four months doesn’t undo any of that. How could you ever trust him after that?
And this is just the stuff that you accidentally found out, my guess is that you don’t even have the full story.
It’s deeply concerning to me that what you’re asking us is whether or not you can address boundaries, and are worried that you’ll come across as a ‘stereotypical girl’ for freaking out over this. You SHOULD be freaking out over this. And the new boundaries you draw should involve him staying at least 500 feet away from you forever.
Post # 7
When I started reading this, I was mad that the coworkers would say these things to you, but honestly, to me, it sounds like they were trying to warn you about the infidelity.
I’d have a huge issue if he got someone pregnant while dating you and didnt tell you, but told everyone at work? Like WTF?!
Post # 8
So he cheated on you for awhile, supposedly stopped cheating on you in December… And now a few months later you’re planning the wedding? Nooooo.
He’s also a liar. He’s lied to you, and he’s lied to other women he’s slept with (claiming to get a girl pregnant instead of being honest with her). Unless he did get someone pregnant? In which case, again, he’s lying to you. He also very clearly lied about why he didn’t want you to meet his friends. He’s not a private person — he’s a creep who doesn’t want the women he’s lying to to end up in the same room.
This is all a mess. Way too messy for the beginning of a relationship. Leave.
Post # 9
Yeah wait…he was dating other people 4 months ago? Behind your back? I wouldn’t exactly consider it an accomplishment to have not cheated since December. Since that is what he did.
Though honestly, I’d be most concerned about the apparent discrepancy of personalities you’re getting the vibe of. This is why a lot of people choose to date the person for longer: it’s not because they don’t like who that person is during the honeymoon phase, it’s because you want to make sure you’re compatible once that wears off.
Plus, I do think it’s a bit worrying that he isn’t super excited to announce your engagement. My fiance is quiet and reserved too, but he still was proud to tell people.
Have you booked things yet?
Post # 10
I’d halt the brakes fast TBH. He lied to you and then blamed you for his dishonesty. (He didn’t want you to go all stereotypical girl on him so he lied!!? 😕) He’s also gotten a chick pregnant that his work colleague knows about but he failed to mention it to you his fiancé.
Its only April and you’ve been dating seriously for less than five months…he doesn’t get a medal for being faithful for less than five months.The whole point that he lied and blamed you for his lie and doesn’t seem to get your point says a lot…. Proceed with caution.
From the persepectivean outsider whose judgement isn’t clouded by emotion, he does not seem trustworthy at all. DTMFA
Post # 11
If you reread her post, she says he’s not amped up about announcing to the world about HER…not about the engagement….which is even stranger.
OP, how long have you known this guy?
Post # 12
You’re right, that is definitely worse.
I don’t know, OP. I get that you’re only sharing us a snapshot of your relationship, but this doesn’t sound good. What did he say when confronted with the lies?
Post # 13
At the very least you need to call off the wedding. With all of these questions, you need to date this guy way longer to make sure you know who he truly is, or more extreme (as others have suggested), break up with him for lying.
Post # 15
“I think you should be freaking out. He apparently got another woman pregnant while you were dating (what happened with that – it just disappears from your story!!!) and told his friend FOUR MONTHS AGO that he was still messing around. He hasn’t been honest with you and when his lies were exposed it took you days to get an answer, which frankly, I would doubt is the full truth. I think you need to open your eyes. He’s not “private” – he doesn’t announce your engagement because he doesn’t want his separate worlds combining, or for you to find out how many other women he’s sleeping with. He is a cheater who had his lies exposed, and I’m concerned that you don’t seem to see what’s happening.”
I’m sorry, Bee, but I couldn’t have said it better than the above PP. He is not “shouting it from the rooftops” beause he doesn’t want his other women to get wind of his inpending marriage. Even if he’s not currently cheating, it’s only been a handful of months since he’s had other partners. I would seriously put the breaks on this engagement. You say that the image his co-worker (former lover?) painted of him is not one you recognize. This should be a red flag that you might not know who this guy really is. You might find that you are not just dealing with one lie, but with someone who has an entire double life.