hoping to get some opinions on a lie from my fiance

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
610 posts
Busy bee

I’m wondering what his “valid reasons” are for not telling the people in his life about you…or that you even exist. I don’t see any valid reasons for this. And he hasn’t messed around on you since December…literally only four months ago?!?!? And he knocked someone else up close enough to this moment that someone asked if it was you?!?!? Honey you w got so many red flags here the whole thing is red. And I agree with the previous poster who said at first it seems like his coworker was a real jerk but I agree with her that he probably said it as a way to warn you about this guy. And learning someone cheated on you and freaking out is not a “stereotypical girl thing” it’s a human being betrayed thing. Honestly it sounds like he has you completely manipulated and I don’t say that lightly as I have been in a relationship where I was so manipulated so covertly I was like brainwashed. The way you’re making these excuses for him for things that are a HUGE DEAL but they don’t seem like it to you, is a pretty big red flag. I am really sorry you’re in this situation and I hope you’re able to see his true colors before marrying him. 

ETA: And where is this baby?! Is it still in some poor woman’s belly waiting to be born? Is he about to be a dad to someone else’s kid?! 

Post # 17
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

He got a girl pregnant?! WHAT!? And you’re okay with the lying, scret life, serial cheating on you that’s been going on? 

No. Get yourself some self respect and dump this guy – NOW. If you’re okay with an open relationship, that’s fine, but the main part about those relationships is that they don’t lie to each other! He could have gotten STDs from the other women and given them to you – you don’t knw! That’s the scary part about this and why lying about sex is 1000% not okay!

You don’t get any extra brownie points for being ‘cool’ about this and not freaking out. You’re just showing that he can get away with this stuff with no retrobution – which means he’s going to continue doing it!!

Seriously, dump his ass now and move on. He doesn’t want to make it public that he’s engaged (because he’s ashamed or just doesn’t want to stop getting into other women’s beds), his co-workers are warning you about his behavior, he’s a complete liar (which means you can’t trust a single thing he has or will ever tell you – including that he loves you) and you haven’t even been dating that long.

Cut your losses and move on.

Post # 18
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2005 - A Castle

He’s worried you won’t marry him now…does he need a visa or something?

Post # 19
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

STDs are supposed to be stds….not wedding cards. Seriously can’t wait until the autocorrect has been changed back.

Post # 20
7802 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So–you’ve only been exclusive since December and you’re engaged? And who, exactly, is or was recently pregnant with his child? Slow things down, Bee. Way, way down. 

Post # 21
2117 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“Save-The-Date Cards are supposed to be stds….not wedding cards. Seriously can’t wait until the autocorrect has been changed back.”

Lol. I was trying to figure out if you meant that he might have been engaged before and printed up save-the-dates with other women and then tried to use them with OP. I thought that was pretty convoluted. Lol.

Post # 22
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

Honestly, I don’t know whether I’m more concerned about OPs desire to be the “cool” girlfriend/fiance or by this dude’s abhorrent behavior. But, the two of those things together is just such a horrible combination.

If this were me, I wouldn’t have even made it through the dinner or whatever with coworkers. As soon as his friend mentioned some other girl pregnant by my FIANCE, we’d be stepping outside and discussing it RIGHT THEN. No way would I wait three days to get an explanation (that I don’t buy at all), and no WAY would I still be sticking around after the “truth” came out, just so I wouldn’t look like a “stereotypical girl.”

Actually, I take that back. I wouldn’t have made it past my fiance not wanting to tell people about me, no matter what his excuse is.

Ugh there is just so, so much wrong with this whole thing.

Post # 23
5018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I read 1/4 of your post and that is all I needed to conclude you need to end the engagement and dump this loser ASAP.

You are just a little over 1/2 a year from marrying this guy and you are just now meeting friends and colleagues?  Shouldn’t you be well immersed in his social circle?

What person in their right mind upon meeting someone’s fiance for the first time would ask “So are you the girl he got pregnant?”  That is very alarming.  Alarming the company that he keeps and an alarming bit of information to learn.

It was only 4 months ago he was talking about continuing to play the field? Seriously?

I’m curious to know how long you have known your fiance and how long you have been engaged.  Either way this guy does not sound like marriage material and it definitely sounds like you don’t know well the man you intend to marry.

Post # 24
9132 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
dandyorc :  I am very private. I am not at all sneaky. There’s a big difference, don’t confuse the two. Your guy is sneaky. 

Also: “I can handle hearing truth and not do the stereotypical “girl” thing and freak out.” Ew. Do you really feel this way about women? Not cool bee, not cool.

Post # 25
1267 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I have so many questions.

When did you start dating?

When did he get this other girl pregnant?

He was sleeping with someone else as recently as 4 months ago, yet you are engaged and plan to marry in November. This is not a question…just trying to process all of this.

How are you okay with any of this? He’s a tool. Dump him

Post # 26
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

View original reply
mimivac :  I know! XD I reread my comment and mentally facepalmed. Totally took the meaning out of the entire sentence. Stds should never have been autocorrected to STDs in the first place.

Post # 27
1499 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
Fitzy :    yup…

and yes, the “stereotypical girl” has a lot of sense. freaking out when you find out your alleged fiance has cheated, exposed you to diseases and  possibly impregnated someone else is the RIGHT response.   btw, if this is what his WORK colleagues know about him, you’ve only scratched the surface. 

Post # 28
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Dude, what? There is so much to unpack here.

1) You’ve known this guy for hardly any time at all and have only been dating exclusively for 4 months. Why are you engaged?

2) You haven’t met his friends until just now. Why are you engaged?

3) He does not seem excited to be marrying you. Why are you engaged?

4) You just found out he lied to you about being exclusive/cheated. Why are you engaged?

5) You just found out he has possibly knocked up another girl while you thought you were exclusive. Why are you engaged?

6) How other people describe him does not line up with how you think he is. Why are you engaged?

All of this adds up to….WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ENGAGED?? Why would you want to marry this guy? What about this situation points you to husband material?

Also, give up the “cool girl” schtick. Acting like it’s no big deal that he lied and cheated does not make you “cool” or “not like a stereotypical girl.” It makes you a woman who lacks self-respect. This dude’s got you so twisted that it’s more important to you that he sees you as a cool girl than it is to have a healthy relationship. This is a hot mess.

Post # 29
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You say, “Not only that, but when he’d told me he was exclusive with me in the bedroom – that was a lie.” – This is called cheating. Don’t mince words or spin it. Your fiance cheated on you. You’re okay with that? There’s also some unidentified baby mama out there. You do realize that means he’ll be responsible for child support (at the least – one would hope he’s a decent enough man to be something other than a bank for his own child, but that’s not likely based on your description of his character) for the next 18 years? If you get married and share finances, that responsibility becomes your responsibility as well. This woman will also be in your life for the next 18 years.

I also am interested in how long you’ve been dating. He’s only been exclusive and faithful to you for 4 months… Four months of fidelity (if you’re even willing to believe that after he’s lied) is not exactly a sign of devotion and trustworthiness.

Post # 30
1503 posts
Bumble bee

Have you noticed that it’s always the guys who are up to no good, that make it a point to emphasize to their SOs to not be the “stereotypical” girl who “freaks” out?  Yeah maybe all the girls they’re with are always freaking out on them because they do assholey cheating scummy crap.  Funny how men who are respectful & loyal don’t ever seem to have this problem with women.

What your Fiance did to you with all his lies, you absolutely 100% have every right to “freak out” on his cheating ass.  Look I totally get being with a guy who is private because my D H is a extremely private person.  But when a man truly loves you with his whole heart, he can’t help but share with everyone around him just how wonderful you are (if anything he’ll want to shout it from the mountain tops how much he loves you).  That is so ridiculous that your FI’s coworkers knew nothing about you and were confused over who you were with other women in his life.  

Don’t marry this guy, you deserve better than this.

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