- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
Back in April through August, my Aunt said some absolutely horrible things to me and about me (to my father, grandmother, and other Aunt) simply because she was miffed that I had not asked her daughter to be a bridesmaid in my wedding.
I vented here on WB about that entire argument a while back, and a lot of bees had some encouraging words to make me feel better (Thank you!). I have been TRYING so terribly hard to just not think about her or the argument or when/if I’ll ever see her again.
My grandmother lives with my father, about 20 minutes from my Fiance and I in New Jersey. My horrible Aunt lives in California. She was supposed to visit NJ three times in September…. and a small part of me couldn’t help but hope that she would try to call me to speak to me in person and fix things. My father warned me not to get my hopes up. He was right. All three trips, she avoided my father and myself (but visited my grandmother, who lives AT my father’s house, when my father was not home).
On her last trip to NJ, she cowardly left my father a brief note apologizing, and then wrote me a brief e-mail apologizing. Yet still avoided seeing either of us in person, or speaking to either of us on the phone. Both apologies felt completely hollow and meaningless… And I later found out that my grandmother had essentially begged her to apologize and admit she was wrong to try fix our family. (Needless to say, neither my father or I accepted her cheap, meaningless apologies).
My birthday was October 28th. The day after, we were hit by Hurricane Sandy, pretty hard. Not a word from my aunt wishing me a happy birthday or even seeing if I was okay… Yet plenty of posts on facebook of her worrying about her nephew/my cousin (who also lives in NJ… but who, up until this year, has not had any contact whatsoever with the rest of our family for 15 years. So it hurt that my aunt cared more about him than me, even though he had spent 15 years avoiding everyone in our family despite numerous attempts to reach out to him and his sister).
She did call my father’s cell phone to speak to my grandmother (when she realized grandma’s land line had lost power). My grandma told my aunt that my Fiance and I were at my dad’s house, too, helping out my grandma and my dad with oil lamps and a police scanner radio to stay in contact with the world. Apparently my aunt simply did not care how my fiance and I were doing…. So my grandmother told her that she was concerned about my father’s cell phone dying, and needed to hang up (Grandma explained to me that she just wanted to get off the phone with my aunt at that point).
Shortly afterward, my fiance received a text message….. FROM MY AUNT. Simply “please tell grandma that the car charger for the cell phone will still work so she should not worry about the cell phone dying.”
The part about that that struck a nerve with me was the fact that it was sent TO MY FIANCE. Not to my cell phone, and not to my father’s cell phone (I guess she assumed Grandma gave the phone back to my dad??).
HOW CHILDISH. From the start of our argument back in April, I emphasized over and over again that I did NOT want to communicate through facebook or e-mail, but I would rather see her in person or at the very least hear her voice on the phone. Over the course of the fight, she sent a couple (VERY hollow and forced) apologies THROUGH EMAIL, to which I responded and explained that I needed to speak to her in person in order to forgive her or move on.
I have thus far been the bigger person through this fight (please see my previous vent if you’re curious of the details). I, unlike her, have refrained from name-calling, cursing, belittling, insulting, screaming, etc. I made sure I did not write ANYTHING out of anger or hurt, but instead waited on each reply until I was clear-headed enough. AND I even had my other aunt and father proofread my replies before I sent them to make CERTAIN I was not being insulting or stooping to her level in any way.
So, in an effort to continue being the bigger person, I had intended on sending her a Save-The-Date regardless of how horrible she has been to me. After all, she’s still my aunt (one of TWO I have left), and until this snafoo, she had always been a mother-figure and someone I loved very, very much.
HOWEVER…. my father has recently filled me in on a segment of this family feud I was unaware of. Apparently, in early April (right before the fight started), my father sent her $350 to buy something that she needed to ship him. Then her fight with me began, and she did not ship the package my dad had bought from her. He did not press the issue right away (he didn’t want to add fuel to the fire of the feud going on, so he let it go for the time being). However, she has been to NJ (and to his HOME) three times in September and once in early October – and she did not bring his package with her.
So, he decided enough time has passed (7 months!), and he would remind her of the $350 he sent her, and the fact that he hasn’t yet received his package. So he e-mailed her, asking if she could either return the money, or send the package. Reasonable request, right?
She wrote back…. and completely FLEW off the handle. Cursed him off, called HIM names, brought up childhood fights (literally, 40 year old arguments between them when they were young children), said that she’s “always been afraid of him” but was “finally going to take a stand.” She brought up my wedding again, and the fact that he is helping us pay, so $350 shouldn’t matter, etc etc. She said other horrible things about my father that I don’t even want to repeat here. She said she gave the money to her friend, and if he ever wanted it back, he’d have to sue.
My grandmother caught wind of this, called her, yelled at her, asked her “did your brother write you a check for $350?” “Yes” “was the check in YOUR name?” “Yes” “THEN YOU BETTER GIVE HIM BACK HIS MONEY!” ..and my aunt is (supposedly) complying.
So thankfully my Grandma got involved. But WTF?!!?
This was the final straw for my dad… He requested I don’t invite her at all anymore.
He is helping to pay for a good chunk of my wedding (My FH and I will be paying him back for most of it, but it’s still an enormous help that he is willing to pay up front so that we only owe HIM and not a bank with interest fees). Plus, he has had my back and defended me endlessly through the whole fight when her cruelty was directed at me, and I love my dad so much… So I feel obligated to abide by his wishes.
And quite honestly, I don’t really WANT her there at this point. It’s been seven months since she started this fight. And despite all my efforts to try to fix things, she has only made things worse, and has now spread it to be directed at my father, too.
What do I do? Should I just not send her a Save-The-Date, and not draw any attention to it? Should I make it clear to her that I don’t want her at my wedding because of the way she’s treated me and my father?
For the last seven months, I’ve been hoping that she would give me a call while in NJ and ask to grab a coffee or lunch, and we would talk, we’d both end up crying and hugging, and then things would be okay. All hope of that is lost at this point….. and she brought my dad into it, and directly attacked my dad over NOTHING! I don’t think I could forgive that, ever.
It’s been seven months but I still cry when I think about our fight. 🙁 I hate this, I hate how she made me feel, and I hate that this wedding-planning period of my life that should be filled with happiness has been filled with so many tears and so much heartache.
What would you do?? 🙁