Post # 17
Thank you all for the kind words and suggestions.
I know logically and in my heart the best option is to cut ties entirely and not invite her. I know that if I do invite her, and she DOES actually come (unlikely), it would probably hurt me even more just to see her there on my wedding day. She’s already causing me so much anguish and she’s 3000 miles away from me.. I can’t imagine how much hurt I’d be feeling if she were in the same room as me, and if we never reached an understanding beforehand.
It just hurts to officially make that my decision… I don’t quite care at this point if it DOES end up being a nail in the coffin for our relationship- she’s already hammered in quite a few nails of her own. My concern is my grandma… she’ll be hurt if her daughter isn’t there, even though I know she’d understand and fully support my decision. She has tried several times to make my aunt realize she’s in the wrong, and to make her apologize. Each time, it has led to a meaningless apology e-mail that just oozes with “I’m doing this because my mother is making me.” Even my grandma can tell how ingenuine her apologies have been. So I know she’ll get over it… but for her family to be missing someone on my wedding day will still hurt her.
I agree… other family members have suggested that, and my grandmother thinks her behavior is related to her drinking. I don’t think it’s the drinking quite so much possibly a mental breakdown. My dad and my aunt’s other sister has been estranged from our family for 15 years (including her two children, my estranged cousins that I’ve mentioned in these posts) due to a series of mental breaks years ago. That aunt is still struggling, but refuses any help from the family, and we’ve all but given up on her over the last 15 years.
I don’t know what to do for her. If she’s headed down the path of my other aunt, there’s essentially no hope.
Post # 18
I wouldn’t invite her. She’s your father’s sister and even he doesn’t want her there, so I would let him be the one to decide whether or not she gets to come. The fact that your aunt told her own brother that he’d have to sue her to get his money back only goes to show how combative she wants to be and how unreasonable she is. It seems that she has been holding things (perhaps a LOT of things) against your father for a long time and is now looking for excuses to lash out. This nonsense she was getting on with about “I used to be afraid of you but not anymore” is French for “I’m feeling self-righteous so all I want to do is fight and I don’t care if it costs me my family in the process.” I’d have nothing at all to do with her until she grows up and stops trying to cause drama. She’s like an Internet troll–at some point, you just have to stop feeding into her drama because she’s clearly ENJOYING all of this!
I’m really sorry you have to go through all of this, though. 🙁 It’s SO unfair…
Post # 19
My mean streak is telling me that were I in your situation I would invite your cousin (her daughter) but not her. After all, this whole mess started because the cousin was not your bridesmaid. Inviting her, and sending her the “I know things have been crazy between our families, but I hope we can still be friends, and I very much want you here on my special day” would make that mean part of me very, very happy.
Plus, then I would seem like the bigger person (“I always DID want cousin as a part of my weddding. I was going to have her say a reading”), and while she would likely decline, I would be able to tell everyone who mattered that it was on HER head not MINE.
But the part of me that likes seeing people happy, and the part of me that shies away from fights – the bigger part of me that makes the decisions in my life – would do the same as you have done. Don’t invite them, cut ties etc.
I would very much wonder about someone who could take such a 180 turn to life, and destroy the relationships that mean the most to her. I would seriously wonder (as others have) whether there was something more to all of this than she’s letting on. Maybe the family stuff is just a cover for something else.
Good luck, whatever your decision. While a few random people on the internet may not be much, we’re here for you!
Post # 20
Seriously – how low can some people go? You are infinitely better off with out her, OP. Inviting her in the hopes of pacifying her and mitigating further madness on her part is just prolonging the issue. Feeding the lion in the hopes that it won’t eat you doesn’t work. It only means it’ll eat you last.
Be confident in your deicision to cut her out of your life, or at least this period of your life. This is a happy, joyous time and it is not over yet. DO not let her steal another minute of you peace.
Post # 21
This is so toxic and you need to let go….and believe me I KNOW how hard it is.
I have an abusive ex but the hardest person to let go of was my sister. She was my best friend (or so I thought) but now looking back I can see how toxic our relationship was and I’m much better off now without all the bad feelings and stress. I had people tell me over the years but was never ready to admit it until she went over the top one day and said a few things that more than just hurtful. I haven’t spoken to her since and she has gotten worse…sending me letters that are nasty. She will definitely NOT be invited to our wedding.
I understand that your grandmother will be sad but she loves you and obviously understands the situation. In my situation, my mother has basically told me that I just need to ‘suck it up’ and take it like the rest of them do.
This wedding is YOUR (FI and you) day so don’t invite anyone that is this toxic to your celebration of love. Your date is a way off still so this leaves plenty of time to change your mind if you do and still invite her if she has a change of heart. Just don’t send her an STD and that leaves your options open.
Post # 22
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
Don’t invite her, you will be so much happier. It may be stressful now and leading up to your wedding trying to regain that family connection, but the day of? You won’t have to worry about her criticizing, whining, being rude to your friends and family, flying off the handle at the slightest imagined insult… you will be MUCH happier.
Post # 23
If your own father, her brother asked you not to invite this vile woman that has treated you and him SO horribly then you shouldn’t invite her. Don’t send her a Save the Date or invite. I’d also block her and your beyatch cousin from facebook so they can’t even search for you. Block her email too. I know she was a motherly figure to you when you were growing up but clearly she didn’t see it like that because a mother doesn’t act that way (normally). She is bat shit crazy and you all need to just cut her out of your lives and be happy and healthy together without the crazy.
Post # 24
It’s also practically guaranteed that if you do invite this drama queen aunt of yours, she WILL cause drama and upset at the wedding. She will find something–ANYTHING–to create a scene about! I’m sure your grandmother will understand why this daughter of hers is not invited to the wedding. Your aunt is the one who has done this, not you, because she’s the one who is alienating her family.
Post # 25
I’m so sorry that she’s still causing drama!!!! I remember your last post. I would try to move on and not invite her; she obviously isn’t mature enough at the moment to be able to appreciate you trying to be the bigger person. It seems like she is just trying to ruin her relationship with your family for whatever reason. I’m sorry it’s stressing you out so bad, though. You don’t deserve that 🙁
Post # 26
I would not invite her. She seems to care about her needs only. Good luck
Post # 27
Actually my cousin is just as bad as she is (I talked about that in my first emotional venting post a few months ago). At some point my cousin had sent me a facebook message telling me that my father and I were terrible people for “ganging up on her mom” (not at ALL the case), and that she was so disgusted by my behavior that she would never set foot in NJ again. I never even bothered replying to her – she is little more than a stranger to me so her words didn’t bother me as much as my aunt’s did.
“Feeding the lion in the hopes that it won’t eat you doesn’t work. It only means it’ll eat you last.” I like that analogy a lot.. well said, thanks!
So sorry about your sister. 🙁 That must be even harder! And you’re right, there is still time in case I do change my mind down the road…
I think one thing that keeps hurting me is that I see all her facebook posts (she’s still a “friend” on facebook), and so many of them are peace-and-love messages. It’s like she believes she hasn’t done anything wrong at all.
Here are two examples of her facebook posts from just this past week:
“I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again. ~William Penn“
“LIFE IS A GIFT. DO NOT TAKE IT FOR GRANTED. LIVE EVERY DAY LIKE IT’S YOUR LAST. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, BE KIND TO EACH OTHER. (Yes, I’m yelling that at all of you)!“
Post # 28
You need to cut ties. And your grandmother will be sad, but she’s still being very understanding. It’s not her wedding anyway, it’s yours.
And where the hell did this all come from? Just because of the cousin thing????
Post # 29
You need to write her off. She’s not going to invite you for coffee or lunch. She clearly doesn’t want to fix the relationship (at least right now), so you have to just let her be. Maybe someday she’ll change her mind, but don’t hold your breath waiting for it. Move on without her.
Post # 30
Your relationship with her unfortunately can never be salvaged. This was proven when in the wake of a disaster she deliberately snubbed you. I know it hurts and will continue to hurt but if you can, put on a brave front and cut all ties.
Do not entertain her pettiness and ignore her. It’s up to your father and grandmother how they want to continue to deal with her, but I think you should let it all go, cherish the good times, and look forward to your new and happy life w/your Fiance.
You sound like a nice, sweet person and you don’t need her drama. Maybe one day shell realize how she’s done you wrong and will apologize, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon, so don’t waste anymore time or optimism on her.
Good luck OP!
Edit: To move on, it may help to think of her as two completely different people: the one in the past was your awesome aunt, but this current person is an unrecognizable stranger who is only embarrassing herself with her childish behavior.
Post # 31
Honey I am so sorry you’re going through all this.
But personally, in your situation, there are no circumstances in the world under which I would allow this woman and/or her daughter at my wedding.
I understand about your grandma being upset… I would suggest seeing if perhaps your dad can talk to her and explain why your aunt is not being invited? Your aunt is so far out of line that she’s not even in the stadium anymore. And quite frankly, even for family, there’s only so much lunacy you’re required to cater to.