Horrible In Laws

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

I would insist on couples therapy. Your Fiance should put you first. She refuses to. Or can’t. She sounds emeshed with them.

If she refuses therapy, or won’t defend you from their attacks, I would end the relationship. 

You are worthy of respect, love, and kindness. I know saying “just leave” is easy to say but not easy to do. 

But you have a lot going for you! Other people in the world will appreciate you!

Post # 3
Member
13728 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Without knowing specifics of why  FI’s mother doesn’t like you it’s a bit hard to weigh in. How has your depression manifested itself in your relationship? Have you done and said things that would concern any parent regardless of your illness?

Which perception is more correct? Yours that Fiance is not standing up for you or Fiance and her family that you may be avoiding confrontation of grievances? It’s certainly not constructive by any means for FI’s mother to tell you to your face she doesn’t like you, if that’s really how she said it,  but again, we don’t know how the conversation went or if you contributed to the way it fell apart. 

If it all happened just as you say, then I think your concerns are valid. I would not stay in that kind of relationship. 

Post # 4
Member
891 posts
Busy bee

Have you even talked to your fiancée individually about how you feel rather than how everyone makes you feel? Like what PP said, couple and individual counselings.

Post # 5
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
huck256 :  Your Fiancee is not respecting you. Do you really want to be with someone that isn’t defending you? Things will get tough in your marriage and she will run to her mother to complain about you which will reinforce her negative feelings and further damage your marriage. If your fiancee cares about you, she will keep toxic people out of your life.

Post # 6
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

What is the nature of these “intimate things” your fiance shared with her mother? Is it POSSIBLE that you actually did something less-than-stellar at some point that she told her mother? 

Post # 7
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Several things.  First, get back to your therapist and let them help you sort out your anxieties while dealing with this mess. 

Second, This is really about trust.  Your Fiance is fully aware of your mental health issues but instead of standing up for you, she violates the agreement you both made.  You’ve attached yourself to a person who has been conditioned since birth to acquiesce to her mother.  You simply can’t trust her not to continue violating and really…..isn’t trust the foundation of any relationship?

This isn’t a healthy relationship for you.   Unless something changes (i.e. she goes to therapy to recognize the toxic situation with her mother) I suggest you pospone marrying tis woman.

Have a talk with her about boundaries, including the intimate disclosures.  Let her know you feel violated and that your trust is broken.  She should not placate with words but with action.  If there are no changes then you know what you should do.

Just because you love her doesn’t mean she’s the right one for you.

Post # 8
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Well… her family is the one that is making her choose, not you. If she’s choosing you, then she has to choose YOU. That means she doesn’t permit for you to be subjected to their abuse. If you’re going to have a healthy relationship with her, that means she needs to completely separate from her family (per THEIR request). Since the family keeps making contact, they obviously didn’t mean it. They probably thought she would choose them in a heartbeat, and when she didn’t, they panicked and tried to weasel their way back in. Instead of being apologetic, they are being combative. That’s not good for either one of you. It’s also not good that they are using threats to try and control her life decisions. That’s abuse. Anyone who is genuinely concerned about who thier family member is dating/marrying isn’t going to make an ultimatum like that. My sister’s first husband was very abusive, and I can only say no sane person would put an ultimatum on someone who is truly in a bad relationship. Which leads me to think they are the ones in the wrong, not you, without any additional knowledge of this family.

Perhaps your fiance wanted you to go back because she thought you could just iron everything out, rather than walking away and dragging things out. I don’t know. But I would make it clear to her that you aren’t going to accept being treated that way by her family, and will not subject yourself to that any longer. She’s going to have to choose, but if she chooses you, that means you don’t have to play nice with her family and subject yourself to their abuse and ultimatums. I agree with PP’s that counseling would be a good idea for you two, if nothing else to take care of any issues between you because of this. 

Post # 9
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
huck256 :  

how many times do i let my fiancee place me in situations that are not good?  i know she had no idea about how her mom would respond, but it bothered me that she continued to bring me back there.  I want a wife who will not put our relationship in harm’s way.  

You sound, OP, frightened ,  dependant and very insecure and passive. Not judging, I know  from personal experience   how depression can make you that way ! But men get judged more harshly than women for such feelings and it is very possible  your  FI’s family thinks she has allied herself with someome  who isn’t able to protect and support her and/or future children.

I think Fiance and her family are not managing this well and can only echo pp’s advice about counselling and therapy . mostly for you but also a couple. I do wish you well.   

Post # 11
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I feel like I’m siding with the fiancé’s family in this one.  My ex tried that threatening suicide crap with me when I broke up with him.  What was already a bad situation was made so so so much worse.  It’s the worst kind of manipulation.  The absolute worst. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not her family’s job to show you love and support.  It’s YOUR responsibility to prove to them that you’re not a piece of shit.  

 

Post # 12
Member
837 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
huck256 :  In your shoes, I would probably not still be with her. She has betrayed your trust repeatedly, plus put you in situations to be abused. You should continue with individual counseling and find out why you would put up with this.

Post # 13
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
huck256 :  Yeah, I’m sorry, but I have to agree with PrincessShelly on that.  Do you honestly undesrtand how manipulative that was of you?  At the same time, your Fiance had never should have told her parents about your abuse as a child.

I think you should break up.  I don’t see how you can overcome this.

Post # 15
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

sorry you have to go through this. unfortunatley, your fiance will never change. she will always want her family to be cool with you. how her family feels about you will never change either. no amount of trust or time will can make them think differently of you and that is your fiances fault.  the fact that she shared your secrets (which would, could should have been an automatic break-up) which made them feel the way they do means she will never stop.

so the question is more like 

“will you get over everything and let your fiance run your life?”

or

” will u stop doing everything ur wife tell u. makes u do?”

tell her to go by herself, in the car u bought her. and send u pics of the food,  with the phone u bought her. and u will wait for her at home, which u provided for. she doesnt need a job, but she needs to respect her man paying her bills and leave mama alone who cut her off

 

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