(Closed) Horrible row with FI and weird behaviour – help!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is a shot in the dark – but it could it be that your Fiance feels that by age 38 he should be able to pay for your wedding?  Maybe he feels that your parents look down on him because of that, not saying they do, but maybe that’s his perception.  Men have big egos sometimes, that could be it.

Post # 4
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think he needs to figure out what he wants. Seems like he is second guessing some things, reason unknown, but he needs to get his shit together and stop treating you like this. Men act crazy sometimes, someone has to set them straight every now and then.

Post # 5
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Sunfire:  good point.

I know when we first got engaged and the stipulations started rolling in from family and people started pressuring us about money and where we were having it, yadda yadda….my Fiance flipped out and we didnt talk about a wedding for nearly 8 months after getting engaged. The initial stress of “OMG when is the date/where are you having it/how much is your budget” really freaked us both out….we fought something awful the first 6 months of our engagement.

Flat out ask him: what do you want?

Post # 6
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think if you are confused about whether your fiance loves  you and wants to marry you, that’s probably not a good sign 🙁

Post # 7
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@PeaceLoveLaughter:  Ditto.  I would flat out ask him what he wants.

I think that his behavior is unappropriate.  I’ve had some tiffs about wedding planning with my family and the Fiance.  We all wanted different things but my Fiance never said that he regretted ever getting engaged. 

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Do you personally care about having a big wedding?  That might be the best way around letting your parents take control.  Personally, I would not be ok with such one-sided demands coming from my prospective in-laws.

Post # 9
Member
673 posts
Busy bee

@Sunfire: I think you’re very much on to something.

It may also just not be a pride thing. He might not be willing to accept concessions that come with the money. If that’s the case, then when things calm down OP, you might want to present options to him that you guys can actually afford and won’t allow your parents to control this major life event for him. (I realize it’s your big life event, too. But, it’s not the bride’s day. It’s a day for both partners.)

I realize that you may have warned your Fiance that your parents are “pressure, nagging, controlling.” That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to run interference when you can do so. Just like I’m sure you’d appreciate it if your Fiance stepped in to stop his parents or friends from saying or doing something he knows would hurt or bother you, you can do the same for him from your parents.

Post # 10
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LibertyBelle:  Yep, if I were him the only way I’d agree to accepting the money is, “The money is a gift – no strings attached.”  Otherwise I wouldn’t even want it.  I hate being controlled by anyone, especially if they’re holding something like that over my head.  It is their wedding, not her parents wedding – they already had theirs.

Post # 11
Member
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Sunfire:  But he wants to accept the money, not her. She actually thinks they should pay for it, but he wants to accept her parents money.

OP: I agree that it sounds like your Fiance is overwhelmed and upset on how your parents are taking over. I think the best way for you both to keep your sanity, is for you to lay out all the pros/cons and try to convience him that you two should pay for the wedding youselves.

 

Post # 12
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@AnnieAAA:  That’s true, you’re right about that.  I wonder if he didn’t realize the repercussions until after he accepted their offer?  Maybe he is now regretting that he agreed to let them pay, considering they seem to be taking over.

Post # 13
Member
673 posts
Busy bee

@Sunfire: I don’t know if I would go that far simply because I also agree that people who pay get a say. I think that based on what has been said in this situation, the bride’s parents seem to be issuing demands about their wedding that don’t respect the groom’s family and don’t respect the time of the couple themselves. That’s simply a bad situation.

If I had family like that, I would simply refuse the cash. In doing so, I would tell them why I refused the cash and note that their demands are disrespectful to my Fiance and his family and causing problems in the relationship. I would plan something I could afford and simply leave it at that.

I know my mom would freak out if she learned that something she was doing caused stress to my relationship. She’s my mom so she wants me to be happy whether she gets her way or not. I would hope that the OP’s parents feel the same way and would back off in some regard if she let them know that their expectations are causing undue stress on her relationship to the point where her Fiance seemingly wants to throw himself into work to avoid taking part in planning what should be one of the most special days of their lives.

Post # 14
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

@Sunfire:  +1! My Darling Husband would have reacted very negatively to that as well.  If men feel disrespected or immasculated, they definitely “act out,” so to speak.

Doesn’t excuse his behavior, though Undecided

Post # 15
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would flat out ask him: what do you want?

And you might have to kindly ask you parents to not push it.

Post # 16
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@weeble78:  maybe ask him would you be happier if you didnt take money off your parents and eloped or had a small Destination Wedding in vegas or something.  It is hard to be bossed around by parents when you are mature adults.  Of course your parents have every right to make stipulations as its their money but you dont have to accept it.  Maybe he does regret accepting it?

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