Horribly upset over lack of engagement after 5 years of dating

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
  • poll: Should I break up with him?
    Yes : (129 votes)
    98 %
    No : (2 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    129 posts
    Blushing bee

    Jeez that is not cool. It’s on a par with “maybe we shouldn’t be together then” – you just don’t throw this phrases around. A total power play. I’d speak to him calmly and explain why this upset you and also that your future should be a joint decision.

    Could there be any other reasons holding him back that he’s embarrassed to say? My FH was really worried about the ceremony and speeches and all that, so we chatted and agreed we’d just invite who we wanted and do the bits we liked and felt comfortable with. No need to follow traditions if they make you squirm. Just a thought. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    945 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

    Question: If he were to propose tomorrow, would you be thrilled to marry him?  Or would you still be resentful that he took so long and that he held it over your head?  For me, it would be the latter.

    Post # 4
    Member
    534 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    elisef :  I always say patience is key. It’s tough to wait it out, especially when you had thought this was incoming and hasn’t. It seems like you two had a timeline for this to happen, after he graduated, and it didn’t. You should talk to him about this. What happened to your timeline and if it needs to be renewed.

    Him holding ann engagement over your head is not cool. Like, at all. It actually really upstes me he would do that. I would talk to him about this too. Is engagement a prize for you to win? Or the two of you comitting yourselves to each other and starting a new family?

    Try to keep calm and be willing to be patient, but do not let him railroad you into a long timeline or try to tak circles around you. You deserve a real conversation about your future and if he intends to be part of it.

    Post # 5
    Member
    46984 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    elisef :  He didn’t take half your twenties. You gave them to him. I suggest you re-focus on living your life on your own timeline. Have a heart to heart talk. Tell him you understand if he is not ready and you are not tying to pressure him into a proposal. Add that you need to know what his timeline is as you want to be married and have children.

    I ended the last relationship I had before meeting my current husband. As much as I loved him, he was clear that he never wanted to get married again to anyone, not just me.That freed me up to meet my husband, who I never would have met if I had stayed in a  relationship with my ex.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1208 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    If you feel like you’re being played with….you usually are.  Bee what does your gut tell you?  Are you listening to it or paying more attention to how much time you’ve invested, which btw means squat.  

    Your gut is telling you to walk away, that’s why you even posted on this site….you’re looking for validation that your gut is right.  Bee…your gut will never steer you wrong.

    If a man is not excited about making you his wife and finding every excuse under the sun to not marry you….he’s not the one for you and you’re simply wasting your time and missing out on the opportunity of meeting the guy who IS excited and crazy about marrying you.  He’s out there but you’ve got to be available to him.  Good luck

    Post # 11
    Member
    1198 posts
    Bumble bee

    It sounds like he’s using your fights as reasons to “justify” not marrying you, which means he’s looking for it to be “right” not to marry you–because he doesn’t want to. I agree with PP that you GAVE him half of your twenties, and you probably shouldn’t give him any of your thirties. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    945 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

    elisef :  Ok that’s maybe a good sign then.  The issue then is that he’s playing with your head which is…honestly some real bullshit.  I’m a very direct person, so my personal recommendation would be to tell him outright that if he’s not interested in committing, then you’re not interested in staying.  He’s perfectly allowed time to work on whatever issues he needs to in therapy, but that does NOT mean you have to wait for him to do so, NOR be gaslighted by him about something that is very important to you.

    If it makes you feel any better, I 100% understand if there is fear about not finding someone at your age.  I turned 30 when I was single and it was ROUGH, and I was very depressed.  And then bam – I met my future husband 4 months before my 31st birthday.  So if that’s a concern of yours, then just know that it’s not worth resigning yourself to a future that you don’t want based on a fear of what may or may not happen.

    Post # 13
    Member
    755 posts
    Busy bee

    He’s playing with you 100%, I would actually go as far as saying he may be trying to push you into breaking up with him as he knows that you’re not going to wait much longer. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    5598 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Your life partner wants to marry you in spite of your imperfections, just as you want to marry him in spite of his. He’s fighting dirty. How many “THIS is why I haven’t proposed yet” examples has he given so far? Only he can tell you what his real reasons are. He either loves you enough to marry you after five years or he doesn’t. Time to make a decision. You still have a lot of time to find someone who really wants to marry and make a life with you, Bee. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2245 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    elisef :  5 years, 30 years old and you want kids.  I would leave *today*.  Eff him and his insulting bs. Even if he did eventually propose,  it’s likely later he would claim he didn’t really want to.  I’m sorry,  not what you want to hear but the only thing worse about wasting 5 years,  is wasting 5 1/2, 6 years or more. 

    Leave a comment


    Find Amazing Vendors