Horribly upset over lack of engagement after 5 years of dating

posted 1 month ago in Engagement
  • poll: Should I break up with him?
    Yes : (129 votes)
    98 %
    No : (2 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    82 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2029

    He does not want to propose to you.  He is actually manipulating you.  He holds proposing over your head and uses that as ammunition anytime you are unhappy w/him.  He is walking all over you and knows you will stay cause the proposal is just around the corner.  Before getting engaged, my partner never used those phrases when I was unhappy.

    Post # 47
    Member
    398 posts
    Helper bee

    What a manipulative prick. I, like other posters, can’t wait until you get angry enough to call him on his shit. 

    He is never going to marry you. Your relationships as it is right now is how it always will be: a frustratingly miserable dead-end

    His smug assumption that you will always stick around and put up with him really aggravates me. He needs the rug pulled out from under his pompous ass

    Im sorry I just don’t know what is wrong with these “men” who get away with this unbelievably immature and arrogant behavior. We as women need to stop tolerating it. Get angry, OP!

    Post # 48
    Member
    136 posts
    Blushing bee

    Don’t wait for your next argument. If you don’t like how this relationship is going right now you are not going to be any better off married to this individual. He doesn’t want to marry you. He is stringing you along and the worst part is that he knows what you want and is using it against you as a weapon to hurt you and get his way. Just straight up tell him that he is not worthy of your hand in marriage. And DON’T let him be all like, “I was just about to propose,” because it’s not true. If he tries to pull that just say, “welp, that was close!”

    Post # 49
    Member
    658 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    sboom :  

    “he is holding your relationship hostage whenever you fight. That is not something that a loving and committed PARTNER does. It is cruel and manipulative and outright abusive.”

    THIS. This man is emotionally abusive. Not only is he holding your relationship hostage, but he is constantly gaslighting you (making you think you’re crazy), and trying to make you more insecure about the relationship.

    My ex was like this – we lived together for 6 years. He destroyed my self-esteem and used threats to control me. I wish I had the courage to leave SO much sooner. That relationship ended when I was 27, and I am 29 now and engaged to the love of my life who treats me like his queen, partner, and best friend.

    Post # 51
    Member
    658 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    elisef :  Making the decision to leave is a good step! Now you need to sort out the logistics. Where are you going to stay? Will you need to get out of your current lease? Can you stay with family or friends in the meantime?

    By The Way, I would not mention a breakup until you have some concrete plans in place in terms of where you are going to be staying. You can be sure he is going to put on the waterworks and try to guilt you into staying.

    Post # 52
    Member
    7350 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    elisef :  “Maybe I have standards of acceptable behavior in a relationship.”

    YES girl!! Exactly!! Don’t let this fucker gaslight you into thinking you are the problem ever again. 

    I’m glad you’re angry – you should be. Anger is the best thing right now to propel you to get yourself out of this toxic relationship. It’s going to be really hard for awhile, but the future is bright!!! 

    It sounds like you have a supportive father – can you stay with him/your parents for awhile while you get yourself situated?

    Also, don’t be surprised if your bf suddenly changes his tune now and tries to get you back. He is very used to having all the power in the relationship, and when you take that away (by telling him you’re done), he may pull some new tricks out of his hat to keep you around, like acting super needy and guilt-tripping you for leaving. Don’t fall for it! He’s had five years to step up – time’s up.

    Post # 53
    Member
    262 posts
    Helper bee

    elisef :  Good job! I agree with the pps.  Get some sort of exit plan in place b4 finally ending your realationship.  Can you stay with your dad or another friend while you sort out your living situation?

    This will be very hard, but you owe it to yourself to take control of your life. Good luck!

    Post # 54
    Member
    7623 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    elisef :  

    “…this is why I am not marrying you…” Quite apart from  the threat/hostage aspect, this phrase alone makes me glad  you are on your way out . Him’ marrying you’, not ‘you two getting  married’. Him as the active agent of change and you as the mere passive recipient. If you are a good girl that is…..  

    Post # 55
    Member
    1452 posts
    Bumble bee

    Bee you know that if he really loved you and cherished you he wouldn’t let one argument be a reason to not propose and marry you. Don’t you see how insane that is? Is is actively looking for reasons to not propose, when he should be excited and looking for reasons why he wants to propose to you. All he is going to do is waste more of your time. 

    There was a bee on here months ago whose boyfriend also dangled getting engaged infront of her “if she was good and behaved” she got the courage to leave him and updated us on how happy she was she left. 

    You do not want a marriage built on you needing to behave yourself. You want an equal partnership where the man cherishes you. Look up the definition of the word cherish. Do you think he actually feels that way about you? 

    Free yourself up to meet your future husband and dump this guy. Lean on your dad for support and your friends. We are all here if you need us supporting you. 

    Post # 56
    Member
    751 posts
    Busy bee

    So happy with your update. Sounds like your dad is on board. I agree with PP that it is best to get all your ducks in a row and organize your departure smoothly, quickly and quietly so he is presented with a foregone conclusion.

    Please don’t let him talk you out if it. He also may become angry (as these ego driven males often do if they feel their manhood is threatened by someone leaving them) so it maybe best to have a friend or family member nearby.

    Let us know how it goes and we are all wishing you the best. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    336 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

    oh my gosh. so glad you are leaving. Be strong – it might be hard, and you might question it. 
    but there are FAR better men out there, and you are young! 
    don’t waste your youth on this man. He’s not being good to you. It would only get worse. 
    so sorry, Bee,
    but so very glad you’re going to make yourself free so that a GOOD, honorable man who treats you with love and kindness can find you. 
    Look, no one’s perfect, but crossing the line into threats and demeaning speech is not acceptable. Wait for the man who wants to know your needs, and DESIRES you to be happy! 

    Post # 58
    Member
    466 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

    Your update sounded soo much stronger than before! I’m very happy for you. I hope you’ll move out pretty quickly and remember don’t look back.

    Post # 59
    Member
    983 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

    Bee, that’s such a difficult decision but I’m SO glad you made it!  You just seriously gave yourself the magic wand of self-empowerment, and your 30’s are going to be AWESOME, and you’re going to find someone else AMAZING.  I’m excited for your future!

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